Stepdad failing my mom who has dementia - and now he's become belligerent

Geborah

My stepdad has been in denial about my mom's progressing dementia since my sister and I both started having concerns 5 years ago. Since that time, after considerable effort by my sister and I in the face of his obstruction (while we aimed to show nothing but support and compassion), we got her diagnosed, we got him to sign a contract with a care manager (because there kept being a ton of things he was ignoring about  her mental and physical health), although he refuses to use the care manager.

Now, as things progress more, he's unraveling. finally admitting that it's all too hard, but refusing any help, literally yelling at us when we suggest he engage the care manager for, for example, her after care when she had eye surgery, or to help ensure she takes her medication, which he doesn't do, or to make sure her toenails are cut (which he won't do) or to get her new bras because the old ones dig into her skin since she has gained weight

But his approach is to get mad at us, telling us we don't care. Telling us we are lying about the fact that we call and talk to her, when we each call her regularly  (although phone calls are really bad for my mom - she just can't connect that way). My sister sees her regularly; I have been working to visit every 3 - 4 months since I live out of town. He has also refused any kind of help for himself -- he refuses to join a support group and would never go to a therapist.

I am now in town for my father's wedding which involves a lot of events, but I scheduled a brunch with my mom, stepdad and sister and planned to go back to my mom and stepdad's house after, to spend more time. My stepdad is angry at my sister for who knows what and is saying he may not bring my mom to brunch or not if my sister is there. How do I manage this? I have spent YEARS showing support and compassion (I know this is hard for you, we're here to help etc) in the face of his failure to properly care for my mom...but after this long and his negligence of my mother, which I am certain has hastened her decline, I've run out of compassion. But I will not walk away from my mother and I refuse to let him keep my mom from my sister or me. What do I do? My sister and I never raise our voice with him; we try to remain grounded and leave emotion aside but still speak truthfully. He responds with tantrums and threatens to keep us from her. I have talked to an attorney but his behavior doesn't rise to the level that would result in a judge granting guardianship to us vs her husband. The stress this causes is huge and unrelenting. I don't know what to do.

Quilting brings calm

He needs a doctor visit and evaluation for himself.    It sounds like he might also be having cognitive difficulties,  or psychological ones.  Would this fall to you since your mother obviously can’t do it, or does he have  children or siblings?  

I totally get the entire stepparent being more stress than help.  I deal with it myself.   My mom has MCI or mild dementia( neurologist said  the former a year ago,  I say the latter).   Mom has had symptoms for several years.  I’m currently having my step dad evaluated by a neuropsychologist.  It took me two years to get his family doctor to refer him. 

He’s always had mom to take care of everything that was considered  adulting as he reads at a third grade level, has an 8th grade education, no computer or smart phone skills. They have been married 58 turbulent years.  In total denial about my mom’s condition.  He’s also a belligerent stubborn individual who thinks I’m interfering because  I’m managing their finances and  medical care plus whatever else needs done. Yet he doesn’t want to and isn’t capable of handling  any of that himself.  Out of six combined offspring, I’m the one that’s doing anything.  We don’t have a care manager for them, but they are in an assisted living apartment.  The facility manages their medication, has a visiting podiatrist to do toenails. 

You  might try to determine if they could afford for your mom to go into assisted  living ( or try to get them to both go).   If he won’t do either, then you may have to continue talking to your mom via phone, visiting when you can and waiting for the inevitable crisis that puts one of them in the hospital.  Do you have medical or full power of attorney for either or both?  I have medical for both, and full for my mom. She readily gave it to me a couple years ago.  We printed the form off of the state department of aging, and I took her to the notary public at the bank, who witnessed as we signed it.  He may or may not know she did that.  He won’t give me full power of attorney for him.  At this point, I feel like I’m legally better off without it since I can’t control anything he does. 

There is really not much you can do as the attorney told you.   In my case, following their doctor’s advice, I’ve begun limiting my visits to manage my stress.  

Ed1937

Do you have a POA or DPOA? If not, I think your hands are tied. Unless he is not providing her with proper care, meaning she is mentally or physically hurt because of his lack of care. At that point you could call adult protective services. Just make sure you have a very strong case, or it might not be in your or your mother's best interest to do that. I'm sorry you're in such a spot.