New to this. Need help

Jillsmom

My 85 year old mom lives with my husband and I. She is very hostile toward me and is delusional. 

She will have an assessment in a month but she seems to be deteriorating quickly. She is likely stage 4 to 5.

Went to a seminar and my caregiver stress lever is super high. 

Life in this household is becoming unbearable. 

I don't know how to address her hostility.

Jill

MaryG123

Oh Jill,  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  I don't have the experience that others on this forum have, but suggest that you avoid her as much as possible, and spend time away from home as needed, even if it's just to go for a walk.  She cannot control her reactions and moods and, as hard as it is, try not to take her meanness personally.  Don't disagree, argue or reason with her as her brain is not functioning in that way.  Fake a smile, do what you have to do, and find yourself some respite.  Hugs to you!

Ed1937

Jill, welcome. Sorry  you have a need to be here.

Medications may or may not help with that. It might be a good idea to talk to her doctor. Even if you don't have DPOA, you can still write a note for him to read just before she sees him/her for a visit. They may not be able to give you information about her, but you can give them information about her. These notes do work.

If you do not have POA, it's a good idea to visit with a CELA (certified elder law attorney). The first visit might be free of charge, but verify that when calling for an appointment. A CELA can protect many assets, and they will give you a good understanding about what needs to be done, and how Medicaid works. This is something that needs to be done ASAP.

A lot of caregiver stress can be lessened if you understand how to handle the different situations this disease presents. If you have any specific problems you want help with, please start another thread. We have a lot of people here who have been in just about any situation you can be in, and they gladly help others with their own experiences.

Jillsmom

Good advice. I am having some angina because she still knows how to press my buttons

Jillsmom

Thank you so much. I will heed your advice

Iris L.

Jillsmom wrote:

Good advice. I am having some angina because she still knows how to press my buttons

Don't let caregiving kill you!  You have to learn to think differently.  Don't think about pressing buttons, it won't help.  She has characteristic behaviors of PWDs, which she will not be able to change on her own.  YOU will have to be the one to adapt and to make accommodations.  Read and learn from the members here, you can't go wrong!

Iris L.

MN Chickadee

Caregiving is incredibly hard. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough patch. A couple thoughts - one is to make sure the assessment next month encompasses this information. It can be hard to report on our loved ones in front of them so you need to find a way to communicate her hostility and delusions to the doctor. Ask if there will be a time for you to talk with the doctor without her. If not you may want to send a letter, email, patient portal message, fax etc. ahead of time detailing what is going on at home. Bring a copy to slip to the receptionist day of if the doctor has not seen it yet. It's important they know what the family is seeing, both for diagnosis and to help prescribe medication. Which brings me to my next points. Communication techniques for dementia are important, which I will mention next, but if nothing else works she may need some pharmaceutical interventions to make care and life together possible. A dementia specialist such as neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist is best trained to prescribe and treat these behaviors. Sometimes it takes some tinkering and trial and error to find the right med and dose, but many people find something that works and makes the person comfortable, less anxious, and more open to the care they require. 

Reading up on communicating with a PWD is important. The normal rules and expectations of the relationship are useless you have to approach everything completely differently. Parenting our parent is hard and requires an approach like nothing else.  We have to use therapeutic fibs and find workarounds for everything. Their brains are broken, no amount of reason or logic will work. Agree with her no matter what, soothe, distract, redirect, find work arounds behind the scenes. I would recommend a PDF called Understanding the Dementia Experience, as well as a book called The 36 Hour Day. Also a video by dementia expert Teepa Snow about the diagnosis process and what to expect. She has many videos and all are helpful if you look them up. 

And it is worth mentioning that not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver for a PWD. That is not a personal defect, it's just that it's an extremely difficult position to be in. That's ok. If it is greatly affecting your mental or physical health or marriage it may be time to look at moving her to a facility so you can go back to being a daughter and not full time caregiver. It is not worth risking your own health if it is getting that bad. Good luck and let us know how things go. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61dQDIuueyQ

https://www.smashwords.com/books/download/210580/1/latest/0/0/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Here's what I do whenever mom gets mad at me. It might be applicable or you can save it for later. I accepted full blame, even if it's my dad she's getting mad at and not me. I validate her feelings—because they're real to her— apologize for upsetting her, and follow through with a promise or distraction.

Example, one day she got up suddenly to go to the bathroom and unknowingly knocked over her rummage bag. When she came back, she saw her stuff on the floor and dad sitting next to it. She got upset at him, thinking he dumped it out. Dad hadn't realized anything had happened and he started to get upset that she was accusing him. I swooped in with "oh, I'm so I'm sorry mom! I did that. I didn't mean too. I'll try and be more careful next time. Can you forgive me?" Mom calmed down and told me not to worry about it but to be more careful next time. I then offered her some of her favorite beverage and got her things together. Everyone calmed down and back to baseline.

Depending on what is going on with your mom, this might not help until she gets evaluated and any outside help is applied. If someone is too riled up, accepting blame might escalate the situation. Use your best judgement if you think this can help. Good luck, keep searching for the solution, it's out there.

Jillsmom

Thank you so much for your incredible advice. 

II am going to create another thread because yesterday Sunday things really came to a head and we took her to a mental health facility. They thought it likely was a UTI but turns out that she's in really great health for an 85-year-old and it was not a UTI. 

They advised to go home and figure out next steps. She will be returning home today. Now my most pressing issue is how much do I tell her.

Second is investigating options so we are considering Home Health Care or Adult Day Care and as things progress a full-time facility.

II will get the book you mentioned and watch the videos all information is helpful. 

So that being said how did you tell your loved one that they have Alzheimer's or dementia or do you tell them anything at all.

Yesterday was a bad day but she has many many good days still.

Last they might be doing an assessment today but they did correct me as I told them I believe she was in late stage 4 or early stage 5 and that was wrong she's at least late Stage 5.

Jillsmom

Thank you so much for your advice particularly regarding funds. 

When she moved here after her husband died I set up bank accounts in both of our names so I am wondering if I can withdraw most of the money or take her name off of the accounts and if that will help. So that will be something I will work on today looking for an elder attorney attorney.

FYI yesterday morning was so bad that we took her to a mental health facility and I believe that they are going to do a more intensive evaluation today they corrected me because I thought she was stage four early stage five and I was wrong. They said that she is at least late Stage 5. They kept her overnight but she will be returning home today I'm going to create another post because a pressing question is how much do I tell her when she returns home.

Ed1937

Jill, I see no reason at all to tell her she has any kind of dementia. Telling her could cause her to go into a deep depression, and that's something neither of you want. If she ever mentions that she doesn't know what's wrong, or what's happening, just mention that she's getting older, and things change. My wife never knew she had dementia, and she was never in a depression even though she knew something was not right. She never heard the diagnosis read when she was told, but I was in the room with her, and I heard it, and knew what it meant.

SusanB-dil

Hi Jillsmom - welcome to 'here'... but sorry for the reason.

totally agree with MN Chickadee - Great advice, there. Don't try to reason with a PWD, it only gets everyone frustrated.  

Also - it may not be wise to tell mom anything.  If she has anosognosia (not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong), she will not accept anything you would tell her, anyway.

Hopefully, her doc can assess, hopefully a neurologist, and they can give her something to calm her down.

So sorry you are going through this.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Jillsmom, I wouldn't worry too much about telling her she has dementia. That might make her more riled up. 

Most people with dementia (pwd) also have anosognosia, the inability to comprehend that they're not okay. Telling your mom she's mentally compromised when she believes she isn't can start a fight. I found a good website for resource on how to best approach someone with anosognosia, but right now I can't find it. I'll go looking.

If you can, try and push them into keeping your mother there before returning her home since she is a potential danger to you.

Ed1937

Jill, if you see an attorney, you should know that a certified elder law attorney is required to stay up to date on all things that would be important. An elder law attorney that is not certified is not required to do that. And just about any attorney can say they handle elder law, but may not be as qualified as a certified elder law attorney.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Found it! I don't have a way to make it a hyperlink but here's the url you could copy and paste into your browser url bar.

https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/

Jillsmom

Thank you so much if you can find that article please let me know ASAP.

Jillsmom

Thanks!!