Insensitive comments on mom - vent?

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

There's this one woman at my church who I would consider a friend of mine but I am slowly rethinking on how close we are. A couple of times when we've talked, she'd first tell me her opinion on how mom is. "She looks worse," is what she says. 

I'm at a loss on how to respond to that, especially right out of the gate for a conversation with her. Like, the first time she said that to me, mom's hair was wind-blown and staticy because dad used his hairbrush on her right as we walked out the door to church so I couldn't fix it. I felt mortified that time, as if I was doing a poor job on caring for mom. The other times I've shrugged it off because it was the day after a rough week/night so of course mom would be a little rough.

But today, I was ready to tell her off. Service was just about to start and she tapped me on my shoulder. I thought she was going to say a brief hello, but she said the awful words. "She looks worse." I thought my mom was doing pretty good this morning—if a bit tired—so this was a bit of a shock to me. I replied somewhat curtly with a smile "well, it is going to get worse," and then turned around to focus on the opening speaker.

I have no idea why she's telling me how she perceives my mom's status or what I'm supposed to do about it. It makes me very self conscious. Am I supposed to keep my mom locked up? Is my mom's condition difficult for her? Is she trying to be sympathetic and just using the wrong words? Does she think I can't tell that the woman I've been living with for practically the past four years is slowly deteriorating? 

She and my mom are barely acquaintances and she is older than mom by a handful of years. Maybe she's projecting onto mom or something. I don't know. By contrast, my other friend who is around the same age as her, seems to have more tact about it and waits for me to place a status on mom instead of outright telling me her opinion on mom.

It's just frustrating to hear someone commenting on it the way she is. If she says it again, I don't know how to tell her to knock it off. Of course she looks worse, it's going to get worse, there's no two ways about it. I don't need a reminder.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’d say something like “thanks for your observations but going forward, I’d rather not discuss mom with you, you negative, unsupportive old bat.”  Kidding kind of.  I would say something or just burst out crying.  I’m not sure what I’d do really but I’m quite annoyed by that person’s comments.  Maybe just stick up “the hand”.  

We as caregivers have to toughen up our skin for so many reasons.  Maybe let it slide off?   Many people have no idea what they say is hurtful.  Some say hurtful things only to make themselves feel better.  Oh that’s it, maybe say “do you feel better now?” then add, “cause I sure don’t!”

Maybe I’m feeling snarky?… regardless I’m sorry you’re  pained by others around you.  Don’t take it personally, you’re doing the best job you can.  Feel confident in who you are to your mom and otherwise.  

Ed1937

Maybe just say "Well, I'm doing my best for her".

​fesk

We have a neighbor that is very negative, nosy and tone deaf. I've chosen to avoid her and that took a while. Gutsy, I know.

Sounds like the woman you are dealing with is also probably tone deaf. I guess the approach should depend on whether you want to continue to have a friendship. If you do, the next time she says that, I would, without harshness, simply state you find that comment hurtful and ask why she always says that. Depending on how she responds, you'll either find she had no idea she's making you feel that way and you'll clear the air or that she is insensitive and you don't need to deal with her anymore. 

This is stressful enough. Try to keep negative/unsupportive people out of your life as much as possible.

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CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Thank you all for the comments on how to reply to my "friend." 

Thinking about it, she has said some other comments to me that were a little... not exactly insensitive or odd, maybe peculiar? One time I told her that I'm a homebody and busy with school so I don't go out much. She kinda berated me for staying home and then told me all the stuff she did when she was my age. I thought she was dismissing me but that she might have been trying to give me incentive to do more with my life. Not really applicable then, since I was paying my way through school and mom's decline was starting to become noticable at that time, before the word "dementia" ever occurred to us.

I like her husband more than her so maybe I will still be on friendly terms with her just for that. Perhaps I'll tell her thanks for looking after mom the next time she comments on mom's appearance and then tell her that her wording comes off as hurtful. 

We used to be in the Choir together and she was very motherly when I first joined. So perhaps she's just not using the right words for me.

Thank you all for your support! I feel better now that I have a better script for her remarks.

Stuck in the middle

Reminds me of the lady who told my wife we should come to church more often, when we were visiting her parents and attending church with them.  DW just told her we lived seven hours away!

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Stuck in the middle - lol! Sometimes congregants are so excited for a new face, they get too enthusiastic. One time my family got a warm welcome from this sweet old lady, saying she was happy we came for the first time. My family had been attending regularly for a whole year before she said that to us. This was back in 2008.

Stuck in the middle

They mean well, usually.  The lady you mentioned in the first post was probably just expressing concern, not very gracefully.  The old Michelob slogan "Some days are better than others" is about as good a response as any.

A losing hand.

Maybe you should just say, I don't think she looks any worse then you.

 Good luck. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Losing Hand, that gave me a full belly laugh! I'm sure that'll give her quite the shock. Thank you

LicketyGlitz

Have you tried, "That's so weird! She said the same thing about you."

toolbeltexpert

Well there is more than one way to say it. A man was wanting to compliment his wife although she wasn't gonna win any beauty contest. So he said darling your bueaty is timeless, instead of saying , darling your beauty could stop a clock. I have chuckled from some of the other post, shock factor cwh,so something good has already happen. 

 Your doing a great job, Don't let Satan steal your joy. Maybe instead of something that would be considered negtive, kill her with kindness. Tell her something wonderful about your mom. That other lady is looking at the outside of your mom show her the inside.

ImMaggieMae

I was going to suggest saying, “ Why would you say something so hurtful? You know I’m doing the best that I can.”

But I like A losing hand’s comeback a lot better!

Joydean

As this “friend “ is saying this about your mom in church,  “ thank you for your compassion for my mom, that’s a true sign of Christianity “. Just saying. ( but that’s the truth)

PlentyQuiet

There was another thread recently about how frustrating it is to caregivers when outsiders say things like "they look like they are okay" or offer happy platitudes. I think a lot of people are just unsure what to say or do and mess up their attempts to be kind. 

Maybe this is just a case of a well meaning person wanting to be more real than others, but just doing it in a tone deaf way. This seems like a good place to use the rule of "adults can use their words". A quick, private conversation about what would be more helpful to hear or to ask what she means by her statements could clear the air. 

She may be losing her filter, or might just be a bit of a jerk. But, if you approach her with kindness at least you can know you behaved properly and did the right thing, even if the end result is avoiding her and her comments. 

abc123

Dear Cats, I would put this lady in the “Horses a**” column. Apparently she knows nothing about being a caregiver. You are doing a fabulous job taking care of your mother!

harshedbuzz

In the immortal words of Elsa-- "let it go".

Perhaps the woman lacks a social filter because of neurodivergence or poor up-bringing. Or maybe she's just coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. You can safely ignore her opinions rather than allowing her to live rent-free in your head. You don't have to react to this in any way-- you can let your eyes glaze over and pretend you didn't hear her.

As I read your vent, I thought of an opposite theme more often expressed on the spouses' board. There caregivers routinely grouse when friends and family comment on how good a PWD looks as a shorthand for "this PWD isn't as impaired as you say they are so you must be lying about how hard this all is" as they dash off for yet another river cruise in Europe.

HB

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Thank you all for helping me sort through this. If she should bring it up again, I'll be sure to tell her how I feel about her word choice and ask what her intent is. 

There was a song from my childhood called something like "talk about talking." I'm trying to recall what it said in what order, but it suggested ways to start a healthy conversation. Say what you think. Say what you feel. Say what you want.

"I think your word choice is harmful to me. I feel worse when I hear you say that. I would like you to tell me about mom in a different way."

SusanB-dil

m&m - I like the 'snarky' side!  something I'm more liable to go for.  I also like some of the other 'sideways' comments posted. 

Also thinking that maybe you could kiddingly 'invite' miss rudeness to take care of her for a few days, or she could come get her ready for church.   You are doing great - hang in there.