Getting worse...(1)

Thephotogrrrl

My father has dementia, my mother is the sole caretaker for him. They live on the east coast, I live on the west coast. I get updates on occasion from my family relaying to me what's been going on with my father and his illness. The other day he left the house in his underwear and was found walking on a busy highway. I am hearing from my mother that she had to call the police, they sent out a search party and helicopter and they put him in the hospital after they found him. They held him overnight, he expressed how much he doesn't like being in the hospital. He was remorseful for what he had done. But did it a second time while at the senior center he regularly attends, the center banned him (he stays busy there, at home he gets bored). My mom says the doctor increased his medication and that he's easier to control. My mother also told me that he has threatened to hurt himself and that he wants to die. I thought for sure the hospital would hold him overnight but the hospital let him go home because he told the nurses that he was fine and had no plans to harm himself. My mother took him home they increased his meds and everything seems fine now. I know my mother is struggling to let go, to place him in a home. I know she feels partially responsible for him since he has no family left. She's struggling to come to terms with the reality of the situation. I realize how painful all of this is, but she is not putting herself first. I know my father can be aggressive and irate at times and I worry for my mother. I also know she's not the most patient person, i've seen this in person, she doesn't always speak to him very nicely. Yet she can't seem to let him go. My brother is there as support, she has her friends and family that live close by. I am a full time student fulltime worker, and taking control of my mental health. I'm here for support, any kind of support I can get. I think that's a part of my life that's missing right now. Anyone out there who can offer any support or relate, I would be so grateful. Thank you.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Saying he wants to harm himself and wondering outside undressed, it's mind boggling that he was let go. A couple other people on the form have/are going through similar things with their LOs. They will probably be able to give you solid advice on what to do to get your father the help he needs.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Keep searching for the answer. Sending you hugs until a solution that works for everyone can be found ((hug))

LicketyGlitz

Running through town in his knickers! Good golly, I bet that gave the community something to talk about!

photogrrrl, you've come to the right place for support and we can all relate. Although my mom did most of her underwear modeling in our big front window (we had the house on locked down after she wandered away the second time).

It sounds like the senior center was a really good resource for your dad, are there dementia day centers in the area that he could attend? We found them very similar to senior centers in activities offered but with professionals who aren't scared off by a feller with a penchant for walking around in his skivvies.

Is it possible for your mom to hire a companion caregiver for your dad? Somebody to come by a few times a week and get him out and about and give her some respite and him socialization and activity?

Adjusting meds will happen throughout the journey as different dementia behaviors ebb and flow so you all are on the right strategy there. Have you guys already done some investigating of memory care facilities in the area? If not, that might be something you can help with via phone and online research, then let the family on the east coast do the in-person vetting. It might help you feel a little less powerless to be able to do something? Don't want to make assumptions here, you know you! I do know whether your family decides to go the memory care route or not, its a lot better to have a place or two in mind in case something needs to happen suddenly, then scramble to put him anywhere that will pick up the phone that day.

Everyone here is so wonderful and figuring this out too, so I'm glad you came here, but you might check into online support groups also, or in-person in your area for some additional "I getcha!" help along the way. If you're anything like me, you'll need all the help you can get to make it through!

Thephotogrrrl

Thanks so much for your thorough response! Your suggestions are extremely helpful. I will see what I can find in the way of memory care in their area. Hopefully my mother will consider these options. What I think happened at the hospital was, when asked if he wanted to harm himself, my father explained to the nurses that he was fine. She is looking into finding an aid for him. Only time will tell what happens moving forward. Thank you again for your response. I feel less alone.

Thephotogrrrl

thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it!

LicketyGlitz

For me, it was hard to understand how my father felt about my mom and her dementia, because I was losing my mother but he was losing his partner. What you said about your mom's occasional reactions to your dad's dementia is very familiar to me. It may take her a long time to wrap her brain around the fact that memory care may be the only option in the future. If you and your brother already have some places vetted for her, that might make it a lot easier if/when she finally gets there.

Sometimes all you can do is the leg work, and be patient for day when the resources are finally accepted.

You all are doing the best you can! Including your dad. Don't forget that.