How can I do this anymore?

WolverineGirl2

Long story short. Cousin neighbor up from florida has called area on aging multiple times

Because I work during the day and Mom is left alone. Doctor deemed mom safe enough to be left alone during the day. Fast forward to last Friday. Ambulance was called by said cousin and mom was taking to ER ALONE. Cousin called area on aging to let them know instead of me. Other neighbor calls me and said mom didn’t fall but actually walked down the hill. 

Anyways, made the decision to 302 Mom, then 301 since I found the legal paperwork for POA that I am. Told hospital she needed medication change and something for sleep because some nights she is up 24 hours before crashing. Stays in the hospital for a week. Came home with me Friday. Has to have 24/7 care. Of course she is in such bad shape then when she went in. Not sleeping. Delusions. Delirium. Not listening. Yup all night Friday. Wanting to go “home” which she hasn’t said in about a year. Slept 17 hours. Now here I am going to work from home today and she will not sleep. Up all night again. Has no idea she lives here. We started antibiotics again because when in hospital leukocytes were sky high but of course not bacteria growth. They checked her the first day she was there and then not again. 

I am at my wits end. I’m calling facilities tomorrow. I’ve been taking care of Mom alone for seven years and I’m 42. I’m getting married in June and luckily my fiancé is WONDERFUL with mom but even he knows I am mentally and physically exhausted. Is it bad I want to FINALLY start MY life?! I just don’t know what to do. I’m an only child and my Dad passed away. The week she was in the hospital I slept all night every night and wasn’t up every 1-2 hours. I got to go places I haven’t gotten to go to. I felt no stress. No pressure.  But what if this is a UTI and this will pass.  I’m so confused. 

Fairyland

Hi WolverineGirl

I don’t have any simple answers for you, but my own experience- I only took care of my mom in my and her home for a while on the (internally thought out at length , I didn’t discuss it with anyone) following conditions - I was not going to wreck my own life, family, marriage and career. Nor was I going to be told what to do by people who had not lived with her 24/7 (meaning, no one!). I ended up spending over a year with her nearly 24/7, finally getting her into an assisted living, not ideal but ok, and using her own funds. Even so, it has been and continues (because facilities don’t solve everything) very very hard on me and the rest of my family, husband, and 2 kids just leaving the nest.

I am in my late 50s and felt I had the resources to do it, but even then only for a while and I’m not convinced I handled it quite right-it had questionable benefit for my mom, and meanwhile definitely caused unforeseen damage to my youngest child’s final grades and they are really suffering the consequences of that, which will probably outlast my mom!.  

If I was your age and just starting out in a new marriage, I would not care for a parent in my or their home, and would not leave them alone if I could help it.  It is very annoying that someone has interfered in your life like this, but on the other hand, your PWD was only a fall or a UTI away from something similar happening without anyone being at fault.  It sounds like a wake up call to me, sorry but just saying!

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

WolverineGirl, I don't have much to add but you are not a bad person to want to live your own life. Balancing caregiving and your own life is hard, no two ways about it. I

'm a little bit younger than you and I've almost practically stopped my whole life to take care of my mother. Speaking honestly, I hate it so much being stuck at home with my parents when I had just moved out on my own and started to find myself. Dad says stuff like "don't stop living your life to take care of your mom" but then doesn't step up so I have to constantly put mom first, work second, the house third, everything else next, and my self dead last.

You can try talking to a certified elder law attorney (CELA) to see about planning financial coverage for getting your mom in home care or placement where she can get the help she needs. You can look up CELAs on nelf.org for attorneys who have put the time and effort into taking proper care of their clients.

So sorry this is happening. Best of wishes.

May flowers

I am sorry to hear the grief your cousin is causing, as if caregiving isn’t hard enough! A facility sounds like the right move for her and you about to start your new life. We had to place my FIL last year, it was just too much for me, he needed constant activity, was sundowning, and was walking 4-6 hours per day but I had to walk with him. I was so tired. When we moved him, I slept for for days.

He was there 9 months and is back home (long story) on hospice. It is hard, but different. Not nearly as exhausting. Had he not fallen/had surgery, he would still be in MC because it was so good for him in many ways.

jfkoc

You come nowhere near consideration for being pit in the being selfish column.

Please go ahead with your plan to "re-home" your mother. You can do a lot of important screening by telephone. 

1) ask what program is used for both initial and ongoing training...if they do not give you a definitive answer move on

2) as to have a copy of their current state license and a copy of their contract,

3) check to see the most recent Facilities Management report...Unfortunately this is not swo reliable. I know that in my state the inspections are NOT done on a regular basis.

Read the POA document carefully to clarify what you are responsible for and to make certain it is a DPOA. 

Make an appointment with a certified elder care attorney. You want to make certain that medical and financial affairs are in order especially since you have an "interested" relative.

Please keep us in the loop.......

Arrowhead

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY OR LIKE YOU'RE BEING SELFISH. You have fought a long and hard battle. You've done everything that you humanly can. My father-in-law's health deteriorated while taking care of his wife. He finally put her in a nursing home, but he never fully recovered, and he died before she did. You do have your own life to live. Do what you have to do before the wedding, so that your life can truly start anew.

phillymccole

First deep breath and you have been doing an amazing job. We moved my mom to AL after 5 yrs of trying to take care of her at home. It was the hardest and best decision we made.  My niece who lived with her was starting to lose it because of the stress. My mom wasn’t really doing anything.  We tried and aide and my mom hated it.  We found a beautiful positive environment for her to live in her own apartment. I wanted her to make friends and have a social life in the hope that she will remember these folks as her condition worsens. I feel like a weight has been lifted because I don’t worry as much about what she is doing, is she safe, etc etc  

There is no right or wrong decision, you need to do what’s best for you. Keeping her living at home just because she is your mom doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best for you.  It will be hard either way but don’t forget about yourself and what your mom would have wanted for you. 

Big hugs and best of luck. 

Quilting brings calm

You are not being selfish.   This disease destroys the person with dementia, and often the caregiver dies first from stress and lack of self-care.  You can’t let it destroy your life financially or otherwise because you need to have the basics of life for decades.  You deserve to have a marriage , a person in your life that loves you and a life that you enjoy.  

Yes, there are people here who care for their loved one without a facility. Unlike some  Facebook groups,  the people on this forum who do that will be honest with you about why they do it- often it’s for financial reasons.   Or they feel that they aren’t ready to place their spouse and live apart.  They don’t glorify how ‘wonderful’  it is to care for a PWD.  They will not make fun of you or make you feel guilty because your reality is that you are unable to mentally, physically, emotionally,  or for any other reason.  

I’m one of those people who can’t do it.  My parents are in assisted living.  That comes  with its own blessings, challenges, and my time is still not my own.   But I do quite often get to sleep all night, and go to an movie etc with my spouse