Time sensitive need replies ASAP how much do I tell my 85-year-old mom

Jillsmom

My 85-year-old mom lives with me and my husband and has been making our lives hell particularly for me.

Things came to a head yesterday Sunday when she started her hostility upon waking which was unusual. With her psychiatrist advice I took her to a mental health facility.

They suspected a uti and i worried that they would send her home with a script for antibiotics and that would be the end of that. That was not the case. she was in very good health no UTI but I was shocked when they told me that she was not stage 4 or early stage five as I believed (pre-evaluation). They said that she was likely late stage five and I believe they are going to do a more complete evaluation today. I am so glad because her evaluation appointment was not for another month. They kept her overnight and told us to go home and figure out next steps ASAP. 

So two pressing issues for today are

1.  figuring out next steps which may be involving an elder care attorney for funding issues and more importantly 

2. what do I tell her when she comes home today. When I would tell her that she had dementia she would laugh and tell me that I was the crazy one and that there was something seriously mentally wrong with me not her.

She still has mostly good days with the majority of issues involving Sundowners. I don't believe she is ready for placement in a live in  facility just yet.. I am going to investigate Home Health Care and Adult Day Care initially and plan for the inevitable long-term care facility.

More importantly what do I say to her upon her return today if anything. Her husband died of Alzheimer's so she knows the progression and the consequences.  I do believe that she has the capability of understanding the progression of the disease and the implications of being late Stage 5. 

So to all of you caregivers out there what do I say to her upon her return today?

Ed1937

Jill, I answered you in the other thread, but you might not have seen it. Here it is. 

Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 5917

Jill, if you see an attorney, you should know that a certified elder law attorney is required to stay up to date on all things that would be important. An elder law attorney that is not certified is not required to do that. And just about any attorney can say they handle elder law, but may not be as qualified as a certified elder law attorney.

Ed1937

My other reply - Jill, I see no reason at all to tell her she has any kind of dementia. Telling her could cause her to go into a deep depression, and that's something neither of you want. If she ever mentions that she doesn't know what's wrong, or what's happening, just mention that she's getting older, and things change. My wife never knew she had dementia, and she was never in a depression even though she knew something was not right. She never heard the diagnosis read when she was told, but I was in the room with her, and I heard it, and knew what it meant.

Ed1937

If you are not familiar with anosognosia, here is a short video explaining it. Why your loved one doesn't believe they have dementia- It's NOT denial. 

Jillsmom

Yes, I did read it just now. Among my many other things to do today I am going to research Elder Care attorneys in the greater Tampa area

May flowers

Jill, by stage 5, my FIL would not have been able to process that he had dementia. He was told early and understood it but by then we just referred to “memory problems” from time to time that many elderly get when they get older. That didn’t seem to bother him.

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harshedbuzz

Jillsmom wrote:

Yes, I did read it just now. Among my many other things to do today I am going to research Elder Care attorneys in the greater Tampa area

National Elder Law Foundation (nelf.org)

Your mom likely has anosognosia and is unable to appreciate that she has had a cognitive shift. To try to convince her otherwise is not only cruel given that she doesn't have the bandwidth to parse that information, it will only serve to agitate her.

When dad ramped up about leaving a hospital or other care setting, we told him that it was his doctors' call to make and that we also looked forward to him coming home but wanted to make sure he was getting the best care possible. 

HB

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Quilting brings calm

Do not take the money out of her name- that would be considered a gift under the five year look back period.  If she’s in late stage 5, there is a good chance she will need a Medicaid eligible facility within that time frame. She’s not your spouse so she can’t use the community spouse rules to transfer assets to you.   You can talk to the attorneys the others are recommending.  If  your mom has not given you POA, you need to get the attorney involved for that.  

You don’t have to tell your mom she  has dementia.  If it needs to be done, let the doctors do it.  She probably won’t hear it, process it or remember it anyway.  I just tell my mom that she has memory issues. She was told she had dementia by her PCP  some time ago in my presence and ignored it.  She was told she had MCI by a neurologist over a year ago too, and she doesn’t understand what that means.  I can’t even get the neurologist to admit it’s at stage 4 level, so I know Mom won’t understand what it means when she gets to stage 5.  I tell my step-dad that she has dementia - but he doesn’t process it.  He told a neuropsychologist that none of his relatives had dementia.  Both his mom and his brother did, as did my maternal grandmother ( his MIL for decades). So he should be familiar with it, but he is not  

The other thing is that she may or may not be ready for a facility … but more importantly, are you ready?   Because the stress of dealing with her may be causing you health issues.  How is your spouse doing?  If I were you, I would start researching and touring AL facilities.  Get a feel for whether she is past the level of care they provide.  She would need to be able to spend time in her apartment alone between meals and activities and overnight.  They have 24 hour staff but they aren’t checking in constantly during apartment times. 

MN Chickadee

No reason to tell her about what the doctors are up to, the only purpose it serves is to agitate her and make her not trust you which is the opposite of what you need. Find the right therapeutic fibs. Work behind the scenes. My mother attended adult daycare for many years, and resisted it in the beginning. We called it the "senior center" and told her she was volunteering there. She came to think she worked there. When we had to move her to memory care we called it temporary, the doctor wants you to stay here a few days to get stronger. Rinse and repeat. Your mom can't process that she has dementia, it won't stick, so I wouldn't even mention it. Keep things upbeat, distract her. If she accuses you of things just apologize and move on, express that you are there for her and reassure her.

abc123

There is no need to tell her any bad or sad news. You are the parent now. You know what she will or will not buy into. It’s time to use fiblets to protect her emotionally. Good luck.

mommyandme (m&m)

Jillsmom,

Did they do the additional evaluation? How are things?

My mother got herself diagnosed cause she knew she had a problem. Even with that and being an RN, she has no idea now what is going on. Even in stage five, I asked her if she knew what Alzheimer’s/dementia was and she didn’t. No need to discuss this with her. As caregivers we move on to validating our LOs feelings and empathizing. Letting them know we’ve got their back and staying as calm and friendly as possible.  

I look forward to any update you may feel like sharing.