Need advice for Husband that suddenly hates our dog

Lhuerta

Our adult son is moving back in with us (for various reasons, and we've been looking forward to having him).  Last night, my husband said, out of the blue, that our son's dog can't come with him.  He doesn't want her on the sofa, or peeing on the grass and turning it yellow.  These are things we can deal with.  The dog is the sweetest animal and my husband has known her.  I thought he would have forgotten the conversation, but he woke up this morning, sullen.  He is angry and putting his foot down.  Says we need to "donate" her.

Our son IS  moving in with us, and Lily is like his daughter.  She is part of the family.  

How do I keep my husband calm through this transition?  Should I try to bring Lily out in the living room, so he sees how sweet and well behaved she is and slowly get him to accept her?  Or, do I keep her hidden in the back of the house and away from his sight as much as possible, so as not to rile him.

We are one year into his diagnosis and up until now, he has been very kind to everyone and pretty content.  Today, he is seething. It's almost like something snapped.

Any advice on what I can do, much appreciated.

Thanks,

SusanB-dil

oh, my! The only thing I can think of is to have your son and Lily just visit for a little while and see how it goes.  The other is that when son and dog do move in, would it work to tell DH that they are just visiting for a couple days?  ... and then repeat. Perhaps a fiblet that son's place is being worked on.    I sympathize, as I also think of my 4-legged buddy as family. It would not be fair to your son to separate him from a beloved dog, especially on top of other things he may already be dealing with.

Is anything else irritating him, that would maybe require re-assessment of meds?

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

My suggestion is to have him meet her somewhere not at home at first. The dog may be a sweetie, but dementia affects how people perceive reality. Lily could be initiating play and your husband could mistake that as being out of control. Can't know for sure until it happens.

My sister and I moved in with our parents and brought our cats with us. Mom's crazy about the cats (well one cat now, but that's neither here nor there) and loves them. Only problem is she doesn't know cat body language and tries to give inappropriate food. We have to be very diligent when the cat and mom are together so that both parties are safe and happy. Would you two be able to watch both your husband and the dog?

If your husband is absolutely against the dog, you can try keeping her out of his sight but that might be stressful for Lily or upset him further if he finds out. You could try looking for a foster home for her that your son can visit and spend time with her if it comes down to it.

I also second Susan on getting an evaluation for meds or making sure there is no hidden illness making your husband act that way.

MN Chickadee

I would second the idea of calling it temporary. We often need to find the right therapeutic fib. The dog didn't move in, she is just visiting. She'll go home soon so no need to worry about the grass. If he remembers the son has moved in, say you are looking for a new home for the dog. She can go soon, maybe next week. Rinse and repeat until he forgets or moves on to something else. I would supervise the initial interactions between him and the dog closely and not leave him unattended with her until  you have a good grip on how it will go. Having an extra person in the house will also be an upset to his routine and familiarity, so the initial days may be hard all around. My mother who was always positive and upbeat became very irritable in stage 5. Those couple years were marked by considerable personality changes, irritability, and change in her taste. Her taste in clothing and food changed, and after being a teacher her whole life she suddenly couldn't handle being around kids, and so much more. All we can do is adapt and find work arounds and the right fiblets.

abc123

It’s seems like your DH is already fixated on Lilly. This could turn out to be a very tough situation. You will have to keep them both safe. I feel bad for all of you. You know your husband the best, what he will and will not buy into. Good luck.

Joydean

Three years ago I got a puppy! Of all things. But she was for me, actually my daughter got her from a rescue and I feel in love with her. My dh’s psychiatrist even though it would be a good idea. Dh also has PTSD. Long story I got dog, dh decided she had to go. I was very upset about that. Daughter took her home to her house. A week later I told her to bring the dog back. Dh said either the dog goes or he goes. I told him well good buy because I do everything to take care of you and this little dog is the only thing I have anymore that cares about me. He just stared at me for a few minutes, then replied I care about you. Okay you can have your dog. In just a few days he was playing with the dog and now you would think having the dog was all his idea. 

Not saying this would work for you or anyone else, but it worked great for me.  Best of luck to you and your son and his dog. 

Rescue mom

As you probably know by now, logic and rational arguments have pretty much nothing to do with responses from a PWD. Their brain is broken. They have lost, and losing more, the ability to reason. 

I can’t imagine that seeing the dog be nice, will matter much—although your DH may well forget, or get over, his problems with it at any point.

M Chickadee had some good fiblet ideas. Meanwhile I cannot say enough how important it is to watch him when/if he is with the dog, even if he seems friendly to it. 

My IRL support group has shared too many sad stories about how a PWD who truly did love their dog and still hurt it badly—or killed it—just because they don’t know what they’re doing is harmful. 

They put poisons on it thinking they’re “cleaning” it, they give it bad things to eat, they let it out/loose. They cut its tail to “make it stop wagging.” Dog’s ear is dirty, so they cut the skin off. Nightmare stuff, and they loved the dog. 

Not to mention a temper tantrum, or fit of anger, when he hits the dog. Or how the PWD doesn’t really realize kicking a dog can seriously injure it.