How to keep relationships being a caregiver

Millie Fanfan

My mother was just recently diagnosed with Dementia and I have taken on the role to be her car egiver. When I got her diagnosis I decided to buy a house and have her live with me I was also able to get an aid to come and stay with her while I go to work. Everything was going smoothly at first and I almost didn’t believe that she had dementia but she’s now starting to have outburst creating stories that are not true. She accused me of stealing her necklace, My partner comes and stays with me on some days my mother shows us that she loves him. I love him too. But she told the care giver that she thinks he’s in a gang from her country and she has never stated to me. I’m feeling that I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and I also don’t know how to deal with telling my partner what she says, when I asked her she completely denied it and says she loves him it’s getting confusing and I’m having a hard time adjusting to this behavior I even thought of leaving my relationship to not complicate things. I just don’t know what I should do.

Stuck in the middle

Welcome to the group.  My mother had VD as well, and came to have difficulty telling her dreams from reality.

Your partner will soon learn that your mother's mind isn't working properly, if he doesn't already know.  He will have to accept her delusions, as you will, if this relationship is to survive several years of caretaking.  

sandwichone123

Welcome Millie!

Unfortunately, delusions (false beliefs that the person truly believes are true) are fairly common with dementia, and very often center on the primary caregiver and those who are close. If you do a search for delusions on this board you will find a lot of discussion.

The rational part of the brain is damaged, so explaining things rationally is unlikely to help. Asking about something that happened in the past (what she said) is unlikely to help, because she won't remember. Responding to the feeling behind a statement can be helpful, as can providing stories that are reassuring (whether true or not).

If my loved one (LO) were to believe someone close to me was a gang member, I might consider that they're feeling threatened that something might happen to me. In that case, I would reassure them that our house is safe and that the person is gentle, but keep the explanation simple, concrete, and in the moment. Don't leave your relationship over a delusion. It won't help. You will need support on this journey.

harshedbuzz

MillieF-

Ending a relationship to avoid upsetting your mother with dementia is pointless. If she weren't focused on him with her delusions, she'd be focused on something else with wild untruths. If he is a trigger for her-- perhaps he resembles someone from her past (gangs? her country?) -- you could have your dates at his place or somewhere else when she's in the care of an aide.

Does your partner know her brain is damaged by disease? I would expect an adult would be able to understand her confusion without taking it personally. This might help-

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf (alzconnected.org)

HB

Rick4407

Millie welcome to the forum.  This is a long and very difficult journey.  You need to do lots of things, first try to learn about the disease.  Reading lots of posts here will help with that.  You need to get some legal things done to protect your mothers assets.  See a certified elder care attorney (CELA).  Lastly is start going with your mother to all her Dr's appointments so you can see what is happening and understand her issues.  Delusions and very common and are just one of the behaviors that will affect her.   Controlling her behaviors with various medications will become important, having a good relationship with her neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist will become very important. 

It's a long and very difficult road,  Good Luck.  Rick