Has anyone been through grief counseling?

Ed1937

If so, maybe you can answer a question for me. My wife died a little more than a month ago. We have a daughter who has always been there for us throughout her mother's dementia, and she handled the specifics for the funeral. She has been having a very hard time with grief. She and I went to the cemetery yesterday to see about a headstone. When we walked out of the building, I asked her if she wanted to visit the grave site. She couldn't do that. I've been there at least 6 times, and the first 2 or 3 times it was pretty hard, but it seems to be getting a little easier now. I think I've accepted her mother's death, but I'm not sure she has. My thinking is that if she visits the site, she will be kind of forced into acceptance. But I don't want to tell her that in case I'm wrong. So for those of you who have been through grief counseling, do you have any input?

toni2

Ed, it depends on the person. No two people handle the grief the same. I couldn't go back to my husband's grave for a whole year. It wasn't until I could remember the good times and laugh that I could see the grave. Then when I went, I saw the marker with both our names on it. It seemed strange to look at the marker with my name on it but no death date. I knew we had one marker for both of us, but it still looked strange to me. Now I can look at it without feeling something is wrong. Give her time to grieve. We all do it in our own way. If after 1 year she is still having trouble with grief that is when she might need help. They told me when grief is interfering with everyday life you need help. You both have my sympathy.

Toni   

MaryG123

I agree.  It took me at least a year to come to terms with my mother’s death, and I will never visit her burial site.  It’s been ten years, and I now have only good memories of her, and sometimes lovely dreams that we are spending time together.  I miss her every day.  Your daughter will be fine.  I would suggest that you just be a good listener, talk about it if she wants to, and encourage her to do the things that she used to enjoy pre dementia care.

Fairyland

Hi Ed, so sorry you have to go through so much now.

A month would be too soon for a lot of people. This was very sudden and shocking for your family, especially you and your daughter- are you both running on empty trying to “do” everything?

I haven’t had grief counselling but if I was that upset I would probably try it. Probably for this acute stage, there might be suitable resources through the hospital? Or PCP.

I have attended something called “Death Cafe”, where people get together and simply share their experiences without judgement, and all found it very healing and supportive in my experience, however none were so soon after their bereavement.  A pastor or that sort of figure may also be well placed to help on this hard road.

Mint

Ed know you know your daughter well and she has been there for you.

I look out a little different window though and wanted to share it just in case it might help.  All of us think differently and get comfort from different things.  I was my dad’s girl.  My dad had a battle with depression a lot of his life.  He lost that battle in the end. I have never been back to his gravesite since I touched his casket and walked away.  My dad is not there.  If he was there I would go everyday. I would not get any comfort from visiting his gravesite. 

loveskitties

Ed, I have not had grief counseling, but I have been in your daughter's shoes...with the death of my father...I was the one to handle everything.

I am not sure that she has not accepted her mother's death.

While I am a person of faith, I find nothing at a gravesite which offers me comfort.  While I have been to the cemetery twice, it was only to take my mother, otherwise I would not have gone.

What I have found far more comforting, is to talk about my dad with family and friends.  Sure there are tears...and I miss him more than I can say...but the essence of him is not in the cemetery...it is in my heart.

Your daughter has been a "rock" thru all this and now she will come to terms with today.

Support her, but don't try to force her.  If you see depression signs, help her.

mrl

Hi Ed,

I am in grief counseling. Mine seemed to be delayed. My DH is gone 2 years 7/20. I have accepted his death but cannot seem to accept that my old life is no longer an option. I have however, found great relief in grief books, there's hundreds in the library. They let me know where I am in the grief process which is very helpful. There's so many of us out there, I hope this helps.

Michele

harshedbuzz

Ed1937-

This is such an individual thing. 

I have not done grief counseling myself. I arranged it for my younger nieces when their mom died. My mom also got counseling then and we pre-emptively got her a therapist when she moved back here because of dad's dementia. I think it helped her. I know it helped the kids because theirs was not something to which their peers could relate. 

Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and the heart of a caregiver. Like her dad. HBShe'll work through this in her own time and in her own way. Right now, she probably sees her mission as seeing you through your loss.

To that end, watching you visit her mom's grave may be the piece that's difficult for her as she may feel she needs to be strong for you. My own dad's grave doesn't really have a draw for me. He's buried in a national cemetery; it's beautiful there but I don't really feel like he's "there". I drive by often and I feel nothing. But when I take my mom to visit, she looks older, smaller and more fragile to my eye than she does in any other setting. That's hard for me. FWIW, she kind of doesn't know what to do with herself while there-- mostly she talks to him-- updates on his sports teams, her new cat, family members. Last year on his birthday (early July) she asked him if it was hot where he was and then burst out laughing at herself. 

HB

Faith,Hope,Love

I agree with what everyone else has said.  Grief is a very personal thing.  When my Mom passed my father cleaned out all her things.  He gave me a box of things he knew Mom would want me to have.  It was 10 years before I could open the box and see what was inside.  I tried several times prior to the 10 years but just couldn't go thru with it.  Once I was able to open the box, I was ready to enjoy what she had left me.  It was just a matter of timing on my part.

jfkoc

It there an answer to grief except to say that it has its own life. Your daughter will live with it in her own way.

Ed1937

Thank you for the answers. I feel a little better now.

JJ401

I’ve been twice and I can’t overstate how much I recommend it.

The first time was about six months after my first husband died (cancer). I think the time between his death and my attendance was good. I was much too upset /foggy /confused /overwhelmed the first few months that I don’t think I would have benefited earlier. I got so much out of it. It didn’t cure my grief. It helped me deal with it.

About a year later my dad died. Went to bed. Didn’t wake up. I had such a good experience with the grief group that I encouraged my mom to try it. She said she would if I went with her. My mom insisted she would go, but would not talk, but once there she opened up about her grief. I found it really helpful time two also.

At a month, you and your daughter are just at the beginning of the grief journey. Everyone’s journey is the same and everyone’s journey is different. The first year I focused on getting though the firsts — Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, etc. Then the first year was over and I realized that this was forever. I found year two harder than year one in some ways. 

I’ve heard grief described as a roller coaster. It has lots of dips. Just when you think you are coming out of one, another appears. At first they are really intense, over time they level out, but they never disappear. Grief is always with you. The edges just soften over time. I hope you and your daughter find your way to soft edges.

newbloomer

My husband passed in February.  I attended grief share. What a great organization.  you can google grieffshare.org.  probably have several in your area.  We have one at our church plus many others within 15 miles. You can attend meetings or go online and sign up to watch the videos. It really helped me alot and to understand some of the feelings and weird things going on with me, like focusing, motivation, disorganization. none of these are me. but they are now. but its getting better because I'm understanding more. this helps. My best to you.

Last Dance

 What most people have said is that everybody grieves differently sometimes I think it's from not accepting the loss of a loved one and sometimes it's from just missing them so much they can't bear to go to the burial site. I've been to grief counseling it was three months after Linda passed away, the grief counselor was the one who suggested that I wait three months because they feel that gives people time to really think about things. if you do go to grief counseling do not go where there's a large group because you really will not get to speak much anything over 10 people does not really work very well, I was blessed that there was only 5 in my group, so I really got to talk out my feelings. I think losing your loved ones to dementia is harder than just losing them to old age. my wife has been gone five years I still have all her things it was just this year that I started to give her jewelry away to my daughter and my granddaughters. The first two years after her death I would go to the cemetery sometimes 2-3 days in a row I would go every week at least twice I would go on every holiday our anniversary 0ur birthdays, I would go when things were troubling me I would go there when I was lonely. now I don't go as much as I used to sometimes only a couple times a month. Grief is  long process for some people and a shorter process for other people. Grief has a life of its own, some days I don't know where it comes from it just pops back up into my mind and heart as time goes by the pain is less and it's more tolerable God blessings to you and your daughter. I pray that you both will find peace In your heart and mind with the loss of your wife and her mother, take care of yourself and just be there for your daughter it just takes time Richard 

abc123

To my friend! Ed, I’m sorry she’s having a rough time. I am also not at my best. We are all wired differently. Yesterday I went to my mother’s grave alone. I picked up all the dead flowers from the funeral that was 5 days ago. I placed fresh flowers. I left a note for her that no one will ever read but that did give me a sense of relief. I wish I had the ability to help your precious daughter. I feel like I’m in a bubble. I’m still mad that my mother had to endure Alzheimer’s disease. I was able to visit with a dear friend yesterday and talked about some of my feelings of anger. It did make me feel a little better to be heard. But today I feel like I’m in the same place. I know eventually I will find my way but I think it’s going to be a long road. It’s possible that your daughter and wife had such a deep and precious bond/relationship that she is trying to process who she is now without her mother. That’s how I feel. I feel hollow now. 

Just keep loving her. Let her know you are available if she wants to talk about it. I wish you both the best. 

abc123

Army Vet - A bond not broken by death.

Last Dance- Losing a LO to dementia is harder than just losing them to old age. 

Thank you both for helping me. Ed, that’s what I was trying to get across but couldn’t find the words. These two comments were earth shaking for me. At this stage maybe all your daughter can see in her mind’s eye is the losses her mother suffered. The thought of my beautiful mother not being able to feed herself, seeing her in diapers. Her heart must be in a million pieces. Ed, hug her tight for me please. Tell her that I am praying for her. 

Ed1937

Thank you for the additional replies. Abc, I'm sorry it's so hard for you and all of us. You have been more than a rock for your parents for a long time. How long will your dad be gone? I think you need time just for yourself, without having to worry about the dog or anything else. Make an effort to find something you have an interest in, and take part in that. 

Last Dance- Losing a LO to dementia is harder than just losing them to old age. 

I think it's the road leading up to death that's so hard with dementia. My wife died from a GI Bleed. I was glad she (and I) did not have to experience the final stage of dementia, but at the same time I'd take her back in a heartbeat, sick or not.

As painful as it is, I'm glad she went before me. I wouldn't want her to experience my death. That might sound silly, but that's the way I feel.