Feeling of Guilt

SonOfALovedOne

My mom has been diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's. We are in process of looking at AL facilities, in the meantime mama is living with us. I'm very close to her, she recently lost our father of 70 years, so she is alone. I am having tremendous guilt in even looking into AL places. I feel I should "Honor Thy Father & Thy Mother." I feel mama needs her family in the times she feels lost or scared. I feel like if I put her in AL, I'm abandoning her. I can't stop crying thinking about my mom being scared, alone & when she turns to find her son, I'm not there. I feel I'm letting my late father down because he said "take care of mama" before he died. I know there are people here who understand what I'm going through. I could use some words of advice. I can't stand the thought of dropping my mom off at AL, pulling out of that driveway, looking in rearview mirror, & seeing her crying & waving goodbye to me. I can't take the thought of this.

May flowers

Sonofalovedone- welcome to the board but sorry for the reason you are here. It is hard to place a loved one, in fact there isn’t much that isn’t hard when caring for a LO with dementia. No matter what decisions we have to make, it is easy to wonder if we are doing the right thing or feel guilty over this or that.

I will tell you, we placed my FIL when he was around stage 5. I had terrible guilt over this (I had promised my MIL that we would take care of him and I also felt like we were abandoning him). BUT, he liked it, the caregivers, the food, made friends, and liked the activities. We visited every other day or so, and he was glad to see us but also ready to get back to his group.

I wonder now if he would have had a better few years at an AL rather than struggling to live on his own  at home. Even though we were helping a lot, trying to live on his own was stressful for him. It was hard for him to remember how to do things but at the same time didn’t want to reach out. He also didn’t want to live with us, he was too independent for that. 

The beginning is hard, but they do adjust eventually. Caregiving at home is not feasible for everyone. Finding a safe place where our loved ones are well cared for is not abandoning them, you still oversee that she is cared for and safe.

M1

Welcome to the forum, though we all wish we didn't have the need. She may thrive in AL, there's no need to feel guilty, May Flowers is exactly right about that. I had to place my partner in memory care four months ago and it has been an extremely difficult transition, but guilt isn't part of it. Regret, for sure, at the losses, but not guilt. 

good luck and keep us posted...

Stuck in the middle

Welcome to the group.

I had to place my mother in a SNF when she was 90.  I couldn't care for her nearly so well as the SNF, I could visit frequently, and I could even take her for outings until the last year or so.  I never thought of it as abandonment, any more than I "abandoned" my children when I sent them to school rather than educating them at home.

Come to think of it, sending children to school is pretty hard on a lot of parents at first.  You can do this.

MN Chickadee

Placing my mother in MC was the hardest thing I have ever done; I get it. Is keeping her in your home an option for a while or is the move necessary now? We were able to keep my mom home much longer than otherwise possible by utilizing adult daycare; just throwing that out there in case it helps in the interim while you all work through decisions and grief. 

Taking mom to the MC and leaving her was indeed heart wrenching. I had that adrenaline feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin. We called it temporary, said the doctor wants you to stay here a while. It was a lengthy and bumpy adjustment period. Took 8 weeks for her to settle in. But then she thrived there. She received much better care than we could provide at home. We could visit her as much as we wanted and spend quality time with her while she still got the hands on care we could no longer provide. The medical oversight by nursing was so much better. They caught stuff long before we ever would have. She started to put on some weight after a constant struggle with losing it at home, she got into the activities. All her brain power went into activities and visits instead of struggling with the logistics of daily life. She plateaued and had some really good years there. So it isn't always a bad thing, but it is indeed fraught with emotions. When you told your dad you would take care of her that means making the best decision you can for her. Giving her the care she needs. Making sure she is safe. When we move our LO to a facility we don't stop being their caregiver, we just do it in a different way. We go back to being a son or daughter and most importantly, an advocate. There is still much oversight to do to ensure they are getting good care.  While I know it is hard, try to frame it as doing something for her not to her. Dementia is to blame, it's not your fault. We just make the best decisions we can with the information and resources at hand, that's all anyone can expect from us. 

ImMaggieMae

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry you have to deal with this horrible disease. Is there a reason you can’t care for her at home?

SusanB-dil

Welcome to 'here'...

You are still honoring her by making the best decisions of care for both of you.  Not everyone can be full-time caregiver.  Getting her situated can help you both.  You can still watch over her well-being without having a lot of the stress involved, nor the 24/7 responsibilities of every little thing.  The saying is: You can go back to being loving son instead of frazzled caregiver.  

MN Chickadee and other posts have great advice and information.  My mother is doing great in her place, and interacting with others has been no problem. She is enjoying having other folks around. Brother (mom's DPOA) and I knew it was time to place her, where she can get proper care, better than we could provide.  DH and I care for MIL, and we are also getting a feel for some facilities in our area for when that time approaches. and no, that will not be easy, either.

Do make sure placement is ok for AL as opposed to MC.  Depending on her level of being able to do things for herself, AL might not be the best option.

Important - Make sure you have DPOA and HIPAA legalities in place.