How to move on humanely?
DBF has about reached the point where he needs more care than I can give him.
He can still dress himself, cook if supervised. He goes down to his shop and putts around for a few hours a day.
His sister and I used to keep an eye on him but she recently passed away from cancer. Since then, I've been taking care of him by my self. I have no family. His kids live out of state.
Some days he still cares for me deeply. Other days he wants nothing to do with me.
His kids are coming down in a couple of weeks to do a POA. They are talking about trying to get someone to help me.
A lot of people tell me I should send him home to his kid. I would like to get my life back but I think having him move would be hugely cruel.
He's losing his words. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding what he's trying to say say. I know it's frustrating for him. I get him to keep talking until I figure it out. Other people can't understand him a lot of the time. I have to interpret for his doctors.
I'm trying to figure out the right thing to do.
On top of all that, I just lost one of my old dogs to cancer. My other sweet WONDERFUL old DOG, who has been with me through SO much, was just diagnosed with CANCER. I can't imagine life without him. My horse has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. I can't imagine life without her either.
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I'm sorry you are going through this! Tough stuff for sure. I have one piece of advice; others will come along and give you additional information.
Before doing anything with POA, or other legal items, speak with an attorney about your RIGHTS as well as your RESPONSIBILITIES. You could end up in a bad way if you don't, regarding finances, property, etc.
Best wishes. Beth
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Thank you. I'll do that.0
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Wilted, I'm sorry. You have a lot of stuff going on, that's for sure. I can't tell you what to do about a possible move, but Beth gave you some very good advice. You need to follow it.0
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Who is going to be the POA- you or one of his children? Because it’s not going to be easy for you to be the one dealing with things if one of them has the POA. They will have control of the finances.
Who owns the house you both live in? If it is him, again there will be issues with the children - who may need to sell the home to pay for his care. If it’s both of you, and you are not the POA, you will need their agreement to sell the house.
What would his living situation be if he went home with his kids?
You’ve got a lot on your plate and I truly think you need to have some time to think about the future and get some legal things ironed out( maybe you have already). It might be a good idea for him to move before he gets any worse, while he has a chance to settle in.
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The kids will have the POA. If he's going to stay here, I should probably be on the POA too, since the kids live so far away.
I own my house separately.
He bought vacant lant to build his house on a few years ago but has declined significantly since then. He's not capable of building his house now.
Living with his kids would drive him and them COMPLETELY CRAZY.
He needs someone to keep an eye on him.
When he was in the hospital with his heart attack, the doctor said I was his physiological "comfort item".
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We've always kept our finances completely separate.
I've been handling his finances since he had his heart attack - which is easy because he doesn't like to spend money.
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Dear Wilted....to say that there is a lot on your plate in an understatement.
If I were you I would make an appointment with a CLEA attorney just for you. We all need to have our financial and health affairs in order. At that appointment you will learn a lot!
Regarding POA...the attorney will tell you if you need separate ones...health/finances. Which ever you will want to know the difference between POA/DPOA.
You will have to do some soul searching about residency. I always tried to make decisions that bore the least amount of regret. Maybe that thought will be helpful to you.
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Oh Wilted you have way too much on your plate. I am so sorry about your animals. As your BF gets worse he may not recognize you or be happy with you anymore than he would be with them. Whatever you decide I think if it were me I would eventually make it the major plan to move him to where his kids live. I admire you for wanting to stay by his side and help him but more and more will be required of you. If his kids can’t find someone to help you then what will you do? Will you have to pay for the help? It seems that so often the caregivers are led to believe that everything possible must be done to keep the person with dementia happy (which we know is not possible) even if it means they are unhappy and exhausted all the time. Please don’t feel guilty if you decide to send him home with his kids. He will survive and within months it will be his new normal.0
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Oh dear, hugs to you Wilted. So much loss! If all of you together decide it’s best to move him, please don’t think you’re being in humane. It’s the disease that is inhumane.0
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Welcome Wilted.
My advice echos what others have said: POA fir finances and medical in your name first, contact a CELA, try not to fret about his happiness, which you cannot control.
I offer my broad situation as perspective, not advice. My husband and I are in our 60’s, and our children, too, live far away. They are starting careers and (I hope) families, and having to care for their father would significantly derail their lives. I retired at 60 to care for my HWD.
With 5 kids, couldn’t you ask them to share the burden of providing you some respite care, for instance coming to care for him or taking him for a weekend on a rotating basis? Respite care has been my salvation. I only have 6 hours per week, but it makes a tremendous difference.
Your path will reveal itself to you. Take care.
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Thank you all for sharing your insight. I guess I have to decide between my regret for not working and saving for my own retirement and regret for upending DBF's life when he's happy (pretty much most of the time) here. This has been his home.
He's strong willed and it would be chaos living with his kids.
The Dr. said having him move out wouldn't go well. He'd have to be sedated. He would be uncooperative and would want to run away. Nobody can tell him what to do.
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Thank you Gig Harbor!0
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DBF's son and daughter came for a visit. DBF refused to sign the POA. I warned them that he would likely refuse to sign and recommend they have a backup plan.
So now the Attorney says the next step is to apply for guardianship.
I guess I'll call Visiting Angels for help until we can come up with a better solution.
His son said that there was a possibility his dad could move in with them. There would be only be 4 hours a day where they would need to get someone to watch him. His wife works with patients in a nursing home.
I can't see DBF making the move willingly.
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Wilted, I'm sorry. Did the attorney explain the procedure for obtaining guardianship? From what I've read, it is a long process that is pretty expensive. I'm wondering if that would be in your best interest. Nothing but hard decisions.0
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Wilted, I'm sorry. Are you prepared to be his guardian? And are you fully prepared that if his child(ren) obtain guardianship, you won't have any say in what happens? What about finances, are your finances entangled with his? Who is paying for his care now? Is he contributing to housing/grocerty/utility expenses? How will it affect your budget? Are you personally going to be paying for home care? You need to be thinking ahead about all of these things.0
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Wilted,
It’s time to decide what you want your future to be. A hard, frustrating, expensive life with your BF, or freedom from responsibility but without your partner. How selfless can you be as things get worse? How lonely and emotionally distraught will you be without him? This is not an easy choice, but it is one that will define your life for the foreseeable future.
In similar situations, members of this forum were split on what should be done. Some advised continuing caring for the PWD, with help and support from the family. Others advised to cut and run while you have the chance. I won’t advise you either way, but I will advise you to make a conscious decision soon, otherwise you won’t have a choice.
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Wilted- please re-read both the subject line you gave this post and your very first sentence in your original post. He’s only going to require more care as time goes on. It’s only going to get harder to move him as time goes on. Your last post indicates that his DIL works in a nursing home and that they will only need 4 hours of external care. There are two of them to one of you. I suggest you let them/require them to assume hands on care for him - whether it’s in their home or a facility. Then you go visit. Pay for your visits, but do not spend any more money on his care. It’s time to let his family assume financial and decision making responsibility ( as in guardianship) for him. You can then be the concerned friend, and partner0
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Hve you had a chane to meet with a CELA?0
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Quilting brings calm
He's going to look at the POA again this morning.
I agree that it's best he live with his family now.
He believes he can take care of himself. He won't go willingly. Not sure how to manage that
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I think Quilting is right. Let him live with his son’s family and let them have guardianship and bear the financial burden. You can still go to visit him. He may not move willingly, but this forum is filled with experiences of others who have moved their loved ones to facilities and most of them seem to adjust. If his children insist on having guardianship, allow them to manage the move. Follow the advice given by MC facilities and wait several days or weeks to first visit him.0
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Repeat after me
DO NOT BE A FAMILY CARETAKER UNLESS YOU HAVE FULL FINANCIAL MEDICAL AND LEGAL AUTHORITY
In case you missed itdo not be a family caretaker unless you have full financial medical and legal authority
Did you get that ?
Otherwise you are committing slow suicide
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I agree Crushed.
He can't are for himself.
What if he wants to live on his vacant land in the desert wilderness and doesn't want to live with his kids in another state?
I doubt he will go live with his kids willingly.
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Wilted your boyfriend can’t choose! If you spend years caring for him and some of your own money will his kids support you in your old age because you would not have worked and saved? Plan a family reunion and get him really interested in going back to it. Have a couple of his kids fly back to help you drive. Get medication or gummies to relax him. Drive in shifts nonstop until you get there. He will get used to being there and may forget about everything else. Good luck.0
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Wilted, please don't let guilt deter you from making the right decision. If you are a spouse and/or have full POA, that may be different. This path that we caregivers are on is already a difficult one. And as his condition declines, it will become so much harder for both of you, physically and financially. I suppose it boils down to who can provide him the best care as this dreadful journey continues.0
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From what I understand, guardianship is required to move him against his wishes.
His kids are working on getting guardianship, since he won't sign the POA.
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His family should apply for guardianship. If they have guardianship, he will move, willingly or not.
His doctor has done a fabulous job of guilt-tripping you into continuing to be his caregiver, but you also have other things that need to be done in your life, like caring for your sick friends, which he cannot help you with and could very well prevent you from doing.
Please consider that it’s time his children take over. He cannot make choices for himself, so they need to.
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Wilted wrote:
From what I understand, guardianship is required to move him against his wishes.
His kids are working on getting guardianship, since he won't sign the POA.
2nd notice
Repeat after meDO NOT BE A FAMILY CARETAKER UNLESS YOU HAVE FULL FINANCIAL MEDICAL AND LEGAL AUTHORITY
In case you missed it
do not be a family caretaker unless you have full financial medical and legal authority
Did you get that ?
Otherwise you are committing slow suicide
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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