New Day New Challenge

JC5

Hi everyone. My husband was diagnosed with VD two years ago. Trying to navigate through this has been well interesting. Just when I think I have a handle on things there are always new challenges to face. DH is angry and cannot accept his diagnosis. He just wants to take a pill and make it go away. He is angry at me all the time. I can’t say or do anything w/o him losing his temper. I’m trying to let him be as self sufficient as possible and he can be but he’s afraid of making mistakes. Posting notes as reminders for him or making lists only upsets him. He views my help as “telling him what to do”. I feel I am letting him down. What do you do to get through the day?

Ed1937

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this. It doesn't really sound like anosognosia to me. It sounds to me like he is in more of a depression, and he just can't find a way out of his misery. I wonder if a visit with his doctor might help with that. They might be able to give medication to help. Good luck going forward.

Lizzielou

JC5

Our situation sounds very similar.  My DH is very combative, refuses to do anything I ask and is sure I am the cause of all his problems.  I sometimes think he is depressed but since he refuses to see a doctor I am unable to get help.  I wish I had some answers for you other than keeping him calm, don’t force anything, give him plenty of time and space and be sympathetic. This forum has helped me tremendously. 

Quilting brings calm

FYI - my step-dads neuropsychologist told me after his first appointment that men display depression as anger.   He felt my step-dad was depressed.  There was definitely itself a lot of anger being expressed towards me and. my mom at that point.  He has stopped expressing it towards me after I put my foot down and told him I was done.  Now obviously I am not done because there’s no one else to step up, but I am limiting my visits with him.

Poohnuts

I am a newbie to the group also.  My DH was diagnosed with MCI about 5 years ago, and it is getting worse.  He too blames me for anything that is wrong.  The last couple of days it has been opening windows with the air conditioning on.....windows I can't even reach.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  It's just nice to know there are others that are experiencing the same things I am.

jmlarue

My DH also has VD and angry behavior seems to be a common problem. Sure, I think it can be attributed (in part) to depression, but antidepressants really haven't proven to be much help to my DH or to me. The anger and the push-back toward me as his caregiver - the one who's duty it is to keep him safe and try to distract and redirect his irrational behavior - actually continued to worsen over time. He has been prescribed meds for anxiety and hallucinations that has given some moderate relief for the anger. He still rants and raves, but he is not physically lashing out at me. The one thing I do to short-circuit the angry rants is to take myself away from him - to another part of the house, out to the yard, etc. Out of sight and out of earshot helps him to calm down and keeps me from reacting to his verbal assaults. DH is incapable of accepting explanations, reassurances, or even apologies for upsetting him. His brain is irretrievably broken and, like a willful child, his only defense is to resort to a frightening tantrum to get his own way. Try taking yourself away for awhile. I would also suggest that you consult with his doctors about the anger to see if they are willing to prescribe for that problem. "Better living through chemicals" is sometimes the only answer.

JC5

Nice to know it’s just not me. I have physically removed myself go outside for example but he follows me continuing his rants. When I say I need a few minutes he sits there, give me angry looks and won’t talk! He doesn’t want to do anything except watch reruns of crime shows or sports. One day at a time … Tks for listening

jmlarue

Just a small piece of advice - learn how to set the parental controls on your TV to block out the crime shows. If he asks why they don't work anymore, play dumb. Tell him you don't know, but will call the TV company about it. Rinse and repeat. I found that the crime shows, some talk shows, and even much of the news programs were triggers for my DH's angry agitation (all directed at me). He's now progressed beyond using the remote himself, so I don't need the parental controls anymore. But, they were a help when I needed it. Stick with sports (not hockey fights), game shows, sitcoms, old re-runs from long ago (Andy Griffith, Hogan's Heroes, etc). It's a little thing, but it does help some.

Dio

JC5, so sorry you're going through this roller coaster ride of madness...

While everyone here is exceptional in providing support and helpful information--truly heroes/warriors--the more I read about what they're going or have gone through, the more terrified I am of what's to come. I've tried hard not to think about it. I've tried to take it one day at a time and stay in the moment. But when the bad days arrive along with new challenges, I'd cry an ocean of tears and feel as if I might literally die, or wish I could. I simply won't survive this ordeal. I've even asked God to take him or take me now. Then a good day happens, and I'm infused with a surge of renewed energy, hope and joy. Then I remember the person that he used to be, the one I fell in love with, the one who took care of me when I was sick.

When I look into his eyes, that were once filled with wonderment and delight and adventure, to find that they're filled with a stifling hollowness laced with anger and resentment, my heart breaks another piece. Then I'd look deeper into his eyes through my tears and see this tsunami of fear. I can't help but feel compelled to cup my hands around his face gently and tell him (and myself) that everything will be okay. That's how I get through the day.

LouiseD

Hi JC5.  My husband is in late stage ALZ and he gets mad at me all the time.  It seems like anything can be a trigger.  We can't look at old photos any more, because he sees pics of trips that we have taken and wants me to book travel plans.  He saw a photo of an old sailboat he had as a young man, and then insisted I go online and find a used sailboat to buy. He can't see that there's anything that should prevent us from doing these things.  He sees me as his jailer.  It's interesting because he has always been hard working and goal driven and before he retired, he managed a manufacturing plant with over 800 employees, so he's used to making decisions and being the boss.  And he seems to think, if he keeps on me about these things, I will arrange these trips for him.  Never mind that he's 75 years old, his balance is bad and he gets confused about random things on a daily basis.  I find myself getting very frustrated, sad and sometimes angry at him.  I don't think I'm caregiving very well and I feel really guilty.

saltom

  I don't think I'm caregiving very well and I feel really guilty.

LouiseD,  I think you're caregiving very well - just as we all are.  The past few day's postings seem to have a lot of feelings from grief, sadness and resentment. Feeling "Hollow" and "doubting ourselves" is how one post put it.  The dementia puts us and loved ones in such an unnatural situation with what seems like no rational outcomes.  Frustrating as it is, it's a relief to know we're all basically in the same boat experiencing the same types of actions and feelings.  Don't take it personally.  He probably forgets the sailboats and trips, and  you're left feeling guilty.  Tell him the boat has already been sold, the computer crashed, you need to reboot it, you will research a trip, anything at all and then do something special for yourself.   Sounds to me as if you are doing a great job.