Learning a new language and way of speaking

saltom

I had an interesting insight yesterday into my DH's thought processes - or lack thereof.  I had a friend over for ice tea and chit chat.  After she left my DH was very upset I had not told him she was coming.  He had been told several times the evening before and that day.  I said I was sorry he did not know and in the future I would write it out. He was also concerned I had just one person over. That sort of threw me. Then I realized I used to have a book group or walking friends over. I didn't want to argue but wanted to explain so I said I knew he didn't like to be alone so I had friends over whom I used to meet outside for coffee.  That was OK with him and he agreed he didn't like to be alone.  I was then told I never served my friend any ginger ale so it had been a waste of money to buy it.  This was totally unlike him, and I couldn't think of anything to relate it to his experiences. I said I bought the ginger ale because I knew he liked it.  That was OK and he said he appreciated my getting what he liked.  He also stresses over what day it is and asked if yesterday was Monday. When told it was Friday, he said, "Oh good. I never see students on Saturday so I can sleep in."  He was a teacher and retired 33 years ago. Later he asked me to help him find a certain TV show.  When I said he had been punching 760 on the remote when he wanted 720 and they were not the same, he got very annoyed and said "Nobody ever told him they were not the same and he needed to know these things." I know he is frustrated by thinking information is being hidden from  him. From now on I'll just get the show for him and not say anything.  Later that night he sat on the bedspread with a poopy bottom and the dog pooped on the carpet. I think the dog is beginning doggie ALZ.  And at least DH still knows the order of the days of the week.  Thank heaven for all your posts that help clue me in to what else may be coming. Thank you.

MaryG123

It sounds like you are a very kind and patient person Saltom.  He is lucky to have you but I’m sorry you have to experience this.  It’s so hard to watch them struggle!  Like you, I’m very thankful for this forum.  It’s nice to know we’re not alone.

sandwichone123

Hi saltom! Your dh sounds similar to mine. It's so hard when they try to hard and are still not able to do what they want to. I think the ginger ale thing is very sweet--that it didn't occur to him that you thought of him, but that he appreciated it when you pointed it out.

One thing I ran into somewhere was the idea that we should not tell them when we're helping. For instance, they said don't cut up the meat at the table, but in the kitchen where it doesn't draw attention to the disability. You might try, "oh, the batteries might be going out" when punching in the correct channel, rather than telling him he's got it wrong. Something like that might help reduce frustration.

M1

Agree Saltom, try as much as you can not to point out any mistakes.  He won't remember it.  Just like he won't remember being told your friend was coming over, no matter how many times you tell him.  He probably won't remember that she's been there, either.  It's very hard to get used to.

Jo C.

Saltom, one of the hardest things I had to learn was not to try and explain things; I kept trying to explain with logic when that was not even on my LOs map.  It took me awhile to get it. It was the wonderful supportive people here on AlzConnected who I learned from and who helped me keep my head above water during the worst of times.

I am sorry about your bedspread and  the dog with the rug . . . I can only imagine. You are of good heart doing your best under really difficult circumstances; I am glad you have someone come to stay with your husband twice a week so you can get out for even a small bit of respite, that does somewhat help.  

J.

Chammer

Even though DH isn't diagnosed, I think I need to implement the "do not explain" tool.  He is still working and gets angry because he thinks people are hiding things from him... well, they are in a way because he isn't able to deal with lots of what is going on.  If he does have to deal with anything, he becomes extremely angry, agitated, negative, and if I try to explain what is going on, it is like throwing a lit match on gasoline!  

Sorry to hear about your pup.  We have a "hospice" pup right now, as well as watching son's 6 month old puppy while he travels for work (he got the puppy at 6 weeks then found out he would be traveling a couple of months ago).  I only have to wipe up the toilet when DH misses right now for him, but I am a regular "dog elimination goddess" at this point despite my best efforts to get them all outside for their business!  Our middle aged lab, whose only issue is shedding enough hair to knit a new dog every day in the house, jut waggles her very expressive eyebrows at me while I wander and grumble looking for pee spots to clean!     

saltom

Thank you for all the suggestions.  I knew not to argue, but I think I put explaining in a different category.  I'm going to practice biting my tongue (sort of like we did when our girls got married and we just gave them a check for what we could afford then let them make all the decisions.) Sometimes it's hard to stick to one's ideas when the actions are not in line.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Jo C.

It takes a while for that to become a "natural" part of things.  Sometimes when I would forget and lapse, I would be biting my tongue enough to leave permanent toothmarks. 

I so remember being overtaxed having to always stay alert on my tiptoes.  I couldn't wait for that dynamic to pass. Then when the dementia far advanced and speech was no longer a comunication dynamic,I would have given anything just to hear my LOs voice directed at me again.   If nothing else, we certainly do learn to rise to occasions and to adapt to most anything.

You are doing a good job of it all; I send best wishes for easier days.

J.

saltom

Thanks, Jo.  Actually, my DH helped me today when he said, "Don't tell me things I don't need to know."  I may post that on the refrigerator.  The wanting of being able to have conversations about almost anything as we used to sometimes takes over my responses. But the too much information can be anxiety producing an d confusing  for DH.  When he used to have anxiety attacks and depression, explanations and information really helped him.  Foreign languages have never been one of my strong points. With the help of these forum posts, I think I am slowly learning.

Paris20

These tales of woe could be describing my DH. Since he was a university professor, explanation was his MO. I think the hardest lesson for me to learn was do not explain. It took over a year for me to develop the skill. My husband always had a strong ego. When he could no longer work the TV remote, he told me that our cable company gave us a faulty gizmo. When he couldn’t use his cell phone any longer, he just KNEW it was broken. I thank the people on this forum for teaching me the word fiblet and how to use it. Also, out of sight-out of mind is an effective deterrent. I hid his phone, his car keys, and the remote. It worked…eventually.