DW Doesn't Think I live in our House

Kurtis B

My wife and I have been married 31 years in September and have lived in the same house the whole time.  She was recently diagnosed with early onset (she's 63) and the primary issues are no short rterm memory and some sundowning activites including wandering off.

Recently though about once a week she will ask me when I am leaving and doesn't believe it when I tell her I live with her in the house and can get quite adamant about it.  It's easy to get in to an argument about it but I don't want to and I don't know what to say or do.

It is usually at night and is ok the next morning.

Any hints what to say or do?

Thanks!

Just Bill

Prepare yourself mentally for this to happen more often. Avoid getting angry or frustrated because that will escalate her even more. It isn't so much what you say as it is how you say it. Be positive and reassuring. Make sure your body language and tone are soft when you talk. Smile when you listen to her. When she says; "Who are you ?" it means she doesn't know who she is and she is confused. Approach it from that perspective. Good luck.

terei

Quit contradicting her.  If she says you dont live there, tell her that you know, but you are just visiting. Use any excuse.  Your own house is being remodeled or you had a flood…whatever she accepts.

What ever she says, agree and deflect.  If she wants to leave say, great, but lets have an ice cream first or you’ll take her wherever she wants to go as soon as the car is fixed or you have a headache + will try to take her later.   

Unless you want constant arguments with her, you will have to learn to agree with her reality.  You will find she is much more agreeable if you meet her where she lives instead of where you do.  What ever she says, first agree or be non commital.   You have already tried to convince her of the ‘facts’ + you see it only causes agitation.  Have excuses ready + you will see it makes both of your lives a lot easier

Ed1937

Kurtis, welcome to the forum. But I wish you didn't need it. You will get a lot of support and understanding here, and you will learn from others how to handle different situations.

I read your profile, and I can tell you that you are very lucky to have friends who step up to help. Many people have nobody at all.

Bill's post is right on target.

Anestasia

I've only been taking care of my husband for the last 9 months when his condition rapidly declined. I've found that it's easier not to argue about his medications when he refuses to take them, or doing PT on days his therapist doesn't come to the house. It's very stressful to argue and makes everything much worse for both of us.

Jo C.

Sundowning can really be a difficult thing to deal with.  Sometimes there are triggers that can set it off.   Using knowledge for understanding as well as how to lessen sundowning dynamics can be very helpful. Also, beginning to become skilled at using fiblets rather than truth as it was explained above can be helpful and kind for our Loved Ones (LOs.)  It is best to use whatever methods that will be most comfortable for our LOs compromised minds.

Here is a very thorough and good link re Sundowning and tips to help:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/314685#takeaway

So hope that you will be able to lessen the negatives.  In any case, using fiblets will help your wife not to rail against the absolute truth.  Her reality is as real to her as the chair you are sitting on.  Since our LOs cannot enter our world reality, we more or less have to enter theirs and work from that point.  It can take awhile to learn that.

So hope things will ease up; let us know how you are and how things are going, we will be thinking of you.

J.

Kurtis B

Thank you all for the input! It is very helpful.