Spoke too soon

Buggsroo

When I came down after tidying upstairs, there was a big brown package in the sink. Whipped on the blue gloves and put it in a doggy poo bag. But what was more worrying was the fact there was a stranger sitting in the living room. He was very nice and introduced himself to me. My husband kept asking me to come in and talk to them but I said no. I actually was cleaning up the poo. 

When the fellow left, I was very sad in a way because I had to play the heavy. The man was black and I thought he probably thought I was racist. I felt really bad but spoke to my husband saying he can’t invite strangers into the house.

 Other men have talked to him on the porch and asked him for money, he comes in and asks me for money for them. I always say no. There are so many reasons for this, but I realize he is an easy mark. Suddenly cleaning up poo seems to be the least of my worries.

Ed1937

Buggs, just when I thought you were getting a break! I'm so sorry. You're right about not letting people in the house, regardless of color or anything else. You never know what might happen.

dayn2nite2

Okay I think the danger level went up about 100 notches.  He let someone he doesn’t know in the house?

Honestly, if there is no way to lock him in with you he needs to live somewhere where he is constantly supervised.  He cannot be chatting with beggars and inviting people you don’t know in the house.  Telling him he can’t is useless, this is now the norm like the sink.

For your own safety, are there any plans to place him?

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Jo C.

Our dear Canadian friend; I am so sorry for what is happening.   The chronic, pretty much daily defecating in the kitchen sink or kitchen countertops and decorating other places in the house as said, pretty much every day, is over the moon in its ongoing persistence lo these many months.  That is not acceptable and yet you have somehow managed put up with it; I do not know how you manage and do this every day..   You also have a health hazard in your kitchen sink and on your kitchen counters and floors; no guarantee that clorox will eliminate all the dangerous organisms; especially in an area where food is kept and prepared.  This is a very real risk to you and to him.

HOWEVER:  The newly presented facts that he invited a complete stranger into the house; a man you did not even know where he came from, is another whole extremely dangerous issue.  To add to that is the fact that your husband also speaks to strangers on your porch who ask for money which your husband then asks you for so he can give it to them; that is once again, extremely dangerous. These could end up being life threatening. Truly.

Buggs; you cannot tell your husband not to let strangers in the house and expect him to follow that logically nor to remember it.  Due to his dementia, he is going to move to do whatever whim he wishes to act on in the moment he thinks of it.  Another component in this, is that you go out to work part time and he is alone at home.  DANGER!   It appears you can no longer do that and not expect to have a stranger enter the house who could well be violent. 

You had mentioned perhaps beginning to look for an alternative living situation for your husband.  From all the dynamics, it sounds as though that is the best plan going forward and so hope there is no delay in doing that.  Your and his life and well-being may well depend upon your taking such a step.

It may also be that once your husband is in a well organized setting with structure and routine with much more socialization to his liking as well as available activities that he may enjoy taking part in or simply watching, that he may thrive in such a setting.  Also, as mentioned before; there would be a bevy of 24 hour care aides to meet his needs as well as meals and snacks. 

You would not be abandoning him; you would actually be doing something for him.  It would also release you to  do your work as needs be and to also then be his loving and rested wife who can visit as much as she wishes and have a much more positive and safe environment for both of you.

Being that you are in Canada, I am not certain how the care facilities are managed, especially when it comes to costs and possible assistance with said costs.  I so hope that you are able to gain assistance on that front.

Please dear Buggs, take care and ramp up your instincts on all of the potential dangers as well as your husband perhaps not being as unsettled once he has said socialization, structure, routine and activity to his liking with 24 hour care and meals, etc. from a staff of many who are not exhausted.

If nothing else Buggs, if you do not like the idea once he has been in care for a few months and has adapted to his new setting, you can always reverse course.  Nothing is written in stone.

In the meantime, please find a way to secure the doors so he can no longer let strangers into the house and see if there is a way to keep money begging strangers off of your porch; he is in all probability now considered an, "easy mark," by those looking to take advantage or worse; it is an extreme danger waiting to happen.

So hope this will all move in a positive direction for the both of you,
 

J.

Paris20

I don’t know what’s worse…the brown problems or the green. My husband soils himself every day and is totally unaware of it. And while he was still at home, I had to stop him from opening the mail. He was giving money to any and all requests we received via snail mail. Even now, he promises our children and grandchildren money that we cannot give them. We used to be more generous but it costs me an arm and a leg to pay the monthly bills for his care. Despite the fact that he was an accounting professor, he no longer understands that this lovely place where he’s staying is not free. In fact, the bill at the end of the year will reach six figures. I don’t tell him that because he’d be shocked and angry and would insist that I take him home. The solution is a fiblet du jour. Thank goodness I learned on these forums just how useful they are.

P.S. I just noticed the reference to Canada. I live a couple of hours from the border and have had many wonderful trips to Ontario, Québec, and even BC. I have also spent many Canadian dollars and I know they are not all green like American money. I shall take my loonies and my twonies and send you my best wishes for a peaceful and clean day.

Buggsroo

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I work from home and that is good because if he tries to bring people in, I am the bulldog at the door. The thing is Jo you are right about bringing people in if I am not at home. I really didn’t consider this. It struck me that I really have to get up off my butt and start looking. Here in Canada there are provisions made for low incomes. My husband and I make decent money together and I am seeing that he might be happier in a more structured environment. He is so glued to me, honestly it is stifling. 

This week I had to work four days and it was tiring having him in the living room biting himself and yelling. He likes to make fun of the little kids at the daycare across the street and I get really mad when he does that. 

Please do save your loonies toonies and some folding money as well and come to Canada for a visit. Inflation has hit us hard too.

Jo C.

Ah Buggsaroo; would LOVE to come and visit Canada again, it is a wonderful country; in fact if we were younger . . . . it would be a looooooooong visit.  However; our crazy times and nutso COVID junk that keeps ramping up and then slowing and then ramping makes travel a bit different than it used to be.  DH is a difficult diabetic and we are no longer spring chickens.  Just chicken. Ha!

A couple we know just took a cruise; their first one. Wife fell and had to be airlifted off ship for care as she broke her arm in several places and then air lifted back onto the ship.  Then, if that is not enough; her husband came down with COVID and it looks as though she too has developed that on top of the fractures. Stuck in the middle of the ocean -  awful.  I digress.
 

You mention being a Graphic Artist; I am truly impressed. I love that, and I am a person who truly enjoys all art including graphic, but am unable to create such myself. I am merely an appreciator.

What sorts of Graphic Art do you work on and create?  What a talent that is.

Getting caught in that between place for finances when it comes to long term care costs is a tribulation for sure.   Yet; you are in such a situation trying to throw your body in front of all challenges needing to be cared for; but yet . .  he managed to let a strange come right into your house and he manages to get around you and into the kitchen to pass his BMs in your sinks and on the counters.  You are only one person and cannot be everywhere at once.

Is there a way to close off the kitchen area from him - as perhaps with a Dutch Door?  A baby gate he would probably be able to climb over.  Something to keep him out of the kitchen would be a nice thing.

Take good care and try not to wear yourself out . . . as if you are not already pretty much there . . . still sending out hopeful thoughts your way.

J.

Buggsroo

Hi Jo,

Many thanks for your reply. I do newspaper layout on the computer. For 25 years I worked at a major newspaper and did layout, type design and illustration. As for the kitchen we do have a door to it. I could try closing it at night, maybe that will stop the brown packages in the sink. I have two cats and they kind of keep their distance as well. They have gravitated to me because I feed them and they feel safer with me. It would be lovely if you came to Canada, I understand about your husband. Diabetes is pretty horrible, my mother has it and just does as she likes. So I can imagine the aggro you must feel. 

Jo C.

Wow!  That is an amazing set of creative and technical talents and skills; it is no small thing.  Do you have time to do creative things just for the pleasure of it sometimes?  I would imagine it would be hard to find the time. 

I am hoping that your DH will gift you with more days of nothing amiss happening.  As  the saying goes, "Hope springs eternal."

J.

Buggsroo

Hi Jo, I am in the midst of knitting a very complex cable and guernsey sweater. I knit about ten rows if I am lucky, I wait until the husband goes to bed because I have to really concentrate on what I am doing. If I give into wool gathering tendencies then it is  horror show of taking out a couple of rows to fix the mistake. Keeps my brain engaged.

Jo C.

Oh Buggs; you can knit too! How talented you are.  I am glad you said it was a guernsey, "sweater," otherwise I may have pictured a guernsey, "cow," and that would have presented some perception challenges.  And cable knit - it will be beautiful when it is completed.  What color is it and is it wool or other yarn?  I am one of those unfortunates whose mother and grandmother could knit, sew beautifully and crochet; my grandmother could smock and knew how to tat lace . . . but me?   Somehow left handed upside down me can neither knit nor crochet despite trying again and again.  Sewing also not my talent. (I do decorate a wonderful over the top Christmas tree though.)

I have always loved and do love acadamics and somewhat enjoy writing; always got the leads in three and four act plays through high school in our big two story auditorium back when I was young and everything was still in its correct anatomical position. Was offered a scholarship to a known acting school, but that was not my direction nor would my parents approve; despite my sewing class flops and family dedicated but unsuccessful attempts to teach me to knit and crochet, they still seemed to like me, and my DH never saw that as a deficiency.  I did make the Deans List in school and managed to get through Nursing School and a Master's Degree while juggling four children, (figuratively speaking of course.) I am not exactly in-depth "useful," in such a context, but I do love appreciating those items of art or handwork that have been created; it really is a joy to see even if I cannot create them myself.  

Just yesterday, I was wondering if up there where you are in splendid Canada, if there are any adult daycare centers near you. I just wondered if your husband had some socialization at such a setting if it would be a positive for him; you would get some unfettered time for yourself and hopefully he would be tired when he got home.  Since I do not know your husband and his dynamics, this is simply a very broad guess.  You deserve some respite no matter if only a few hours a few days a week or so.  You have spent a very difficult time for a very long time and that is certainly an understatement.

In any case, knit one, purl two and a beautiful sweater to come.

J.

Buggsroo

Hi Jo, 

A master’s degree, that is solid. Respect here. I learned how to knit in England when I was living there. Some of the older ladies took my then 23 year old self in hand. I was very lucky because these women were amazing knitters and very feminist as well. 

I put my husband in a day care but he only went twice, he refused after that. I remember the incredible joy I felt when I got to go out and do stuff on my own. Sadly it didn’t stick. I did feel sad and stuck but still go out as much as I can. I live in Toronto, Ontario in an old Victorian house that me and my husband renovated. He was so handy it was amazing, now I do repairs or get my cousin over to do them for me. 

I got my BA in French and German literature and started my masters but didn’t finish. The idea was to do an MA in comparative literature. I like studying just like you do, and love reading. It is fun and do like to challenge my brain. Knitting a guernsey cow sounds like fun but not sure where to start.

Pat6177

Bugs, how goes your search for a facility? Do you have many choices?