Adult Day Care for ALZ bad idea?

elhijo

Hello ALZ Connected,

LO is at stage 5 and lives in my home. Other siblings can't/don't want to take on any caregiving duties at all. LO does not respond well at all to home health aides so I use them as needed now, maybe 1 or 2 days a month. LO is 90 and is overall happy and in good health, no major issues outside of dementia. This wasn't always the case. But that is for another topic.

I've been re-thinking adult day care but I think this is a bad idea. I tried it years ago but the older women were so cliquey that my LO felt excluded and I found her sad and or crying a few times.  The aides that worked there seemed to be good and kind and did what they could but they really can't force the other older persons to be social. It was a let-down as this adult day care catered to persons with Alzheimer's. Unfortunately while the city we live in is very multicultural, I have found the elderly tend to stick to their own their own culture and their own country of origin. Guess it has to do with the way they were raised as things like multiculturalism didn't come about until the late 80's, early 90's as far as I know.

Now I've been scouting other adult day cares all over the city using Google and the pictures for these places show the elderly dancing and laughing. They also look younger than my LO. And I've noticed that when my LO is scared she will want to use the bathroom. And, as she cannot walk very well, I don't see any adult day care taking her to the bathroom every 15 minutes for a 4-hour let alone a 6-hour stay. They may do that the first day but then tell us to find another facility sorry. And I'm not about to medicate my LO just so I can put her somewhere with strangers who may not even like her. Medication in the past had the reverse effect and made her worse emotionally and affected her balance. Been there done that, we're not going back. See I've worked really hard to make sure my LO feels safe and loved & respected and she gets this at home, it's just a lot of work sometimes. Home health is out too. That is a long story as well but sufficent to say I do still use the service but only once or twice a month and that's all my LO and myself can handle.

So given the above, am I wrong to think that adult day care would be a bad idea? Anyone else have a not-so-good experience with adult day care? From the looks of the pictures these places post online, they seem to cater to a younger elderly who don't have cognitive impairement.

Your input is appreciated.

Thank you

MN Chickadee

My mother with Alzheimers attended adult day care for about 4 years and I still volunteer with the program, so I have had a relationship with it for like 6 years. I can promise you the clientele changes. It changed about yearly, as people moved to facilities or passed away or had a situation change. Sometimes they would have all super elderly folks with wheelchairs and who didn't do much. Sometimes they will have younger folks, either early onset Alz or sometimes with other cognitive disabilities. Or a mix of both. Mostly they catered to dementia. Sometimes they have almost no men, right now they have a huge active group of men. I would not assume that whatever happened years ago will be the same now. The place has changed and your mother has likely changed. I would also say that things that are an issue at home, like the toileting every 15 minutes, may not be an issue once she settles in there if the staff are skilled. Just like the pre-school teacher can get a kiddo to cooperate and sit in the circle and participate in ways he won't at home, some staff a day program will be able to distract her out of that loop. I know it's hard but try to stay out of that aspect and let them do their work. It's a process for them to get to know a new person and figure out how to make them enjoy it. It doesn't happen over night but remember they have done this many times with a huge range of challenges and personalities. Yes you will want one that does the hands on care such as toileting. And where the staff are trained and experienced in dementia. Ours did toilet/depends, administered meds, and would even do showers for an extra fee. My mother resisted it really bad at first. I was the one crying after drop off, forcing her to go and she didn't want to. At the time she seemed younger than the other clients and she said she didn't belong with "those old people." However our situation was becoming dicey at home and my dad and I really needed some respite. We forged on, and it was the best decision we ever made. After a few weeks she settled in and it kept her busy, active, social, and later bathed. It really improved her quality of life and allowed us to keep her at home when we otherwise wouldn't have. We started out saying we were "volunteering" there and she eventually ran with that narrative. Many of the clients thought they worked there. My advice is to give it time.

elhijo

MN Chickadee - Thank you very much for sharing. I'll see what I can make happen. Very best regards.

kemobetter

It is the first time I must think about adult care for my elderly father, and I thank you for the answers in the thread. He has always been sane and didn’t need particular care or help as he was very independent.

mommyandme (m&m)

kemobetter,

Welcome to the forum.  Very sorry you’re on this journey too. I think adult day care is a good idea. All of this is very difficult. 

apow

Just seconding that I think day care can be a positive. We used to take my grandfather to our local one. He was in his mid 80s and it worked really well for him. He'd go flirt with all the ladies lol. I imagine there was an adjustment period though before we got to that point, but it was many years ago so I don't quite remember. I think if you and your mom could get past that it could be really beneficial for both of you.

Rescue mom

I’ve met tons of people in my support groups who praise day-care places to the skies, describe them as life-savers. The staff works at getting everyone to socialize and also watches out for toilet needs. Not everyone will “like” everyone else, but the staff works to get the right people together. (At least at good ones).

I would not let photos be a deal-breaker or the deciding factor. Yea, they can show some things about the facility itself, but even at that, photos may not be changed often. Even if they are, the users of a center change/turn over pretty regularly.

Like any ad, the photos will show people they think are attractive and appealing. The majority of clients are likely to be different. That doesn’t mean bad or ugly, just that photos in the websites may present a different picture than what you’d see in person.

I’ve read in this forum, so many times, about how we wish ads about dementia showed more realistic images of dementia, and not just a sweet well-dressed senior….

JJAz

If you're considering Day Care because you need a break, then it's a great idea.  If you're looking for a best friend for Mom, then it's probably not.  But sometimes it works out better than we anticipate.  My husband went to Day Care with 3 other men, who all objected vehemently every time they went. But while they were there, they enjoyed each others' company and seemed happier after they got home.  Just as importantly, the caregivers had a desperately needed break from caregiving.

Stuck in the middle

My friend enrolled her husband in adult day care while she worked because she couldn't leave him home alone.  His disability check paid for it and it meant she didn't have to retire early.

hardcore mother

I agree with the positive feedback about Adult Day Center. It has been a godsend for us. My mom was very reluctant at first, however the staff is very well trained to make everyone feel comfortable. I shared with the women that my mom is a helper, and that's her love language. Now, every time she comes, they tell her that they are so happy she's there to help them out today. It's become a nice way for her to be stimulated, and it gives us a break. 

I agree with what another poster mentioned - what happens at home might be different than what happens at the center. It is a bit like toddlers. You kiss them, wish them a good day, and then you give them to the center. Good luck. It's not easy. One day at a time.

hardcore mother

One more thing... you should check with the elder care services in your county. The community center fees are completely covered, and they give her breakfast, lunch, and a snack. See if you qualify, it doesn't take long and the elder care service workers are really wonderful. I had to do an interview and a home screening. It was totally worth it.