Still Around

AnnMB

I've been off this forum as I've been ultra busy with DH. We have had rolling behavior issues which have left me exhausted. Or rather burnt out.

DH is now on an antidepressant and is going through the adjustment period. This means flipping the switch and heading for Planet X. This has happened quite a bit in the past two - three weeks. He doesn't know who we are, who he is, and is not able to stop what is going on in his head. It can take up to 4 hours to calm him down with DS and DDIL talking to him. He has become violent wanting to scratch his name on DS's truck, throwing his dinner on the wall, and peeing on our car. He physically pushes us when we step in to keep him safe. He threatens to leave and takes off. He tells me to leave as this is his house. Then it will all flip and he'll cry and say people are going to sell the house from under us. When he is calm, he is exhausted.

Yesterday was interesting as he had a tough morning. He was wound up and our neighbor came over to see us about bean seeds. His presence calmed DH down right away. Respite was here in the afternoon and he slept through part of it. When he woke he was fine, had another short nap, and then woke up angry and upset. I had dinner ready and it was at this time he was going to throw his food on the wall and pee on our car. I locked up the house, grabbed my purse, and said we had to get in the car. He kept yelling I was wacky in the head and couldn't drive. I kept saying politely and firmly to get in the car. We had a 45 minute stand off and he finally said he would go inside and sit down. We went inside and I heated his dinner and he ate it and a big bowl of ice cream. He was expressionless while he ate. After he ate we sat on the couch and he relaxed. The cat cuddled up to him and you could see him relax more and his face had some expression.

This morning he is wandering around though he did eat his breakfast. He is a lost soul at the moment. He took his first pills okay but threw the next ones into his coffee. I had to stand over him to make sure he drank all the coffee. I now know I need to give him the pills. He thinks the car is backing up on its own. I'm sure it will be a good day for him. And for me. Respite is here at noon and I have to grocery shop. Plus we are under another 3 day heat warning with higher temps and lots of humidity.

With DH's name on the waiting list to LTC, I took DH for a drive on a good evening. We drove into and looked at one of the homes and I talked to him about it. There are gardens which thrilled him. He likes the idea of single bedrooms with their own bathroom. He liked that people brought in their cats to visit. It was a success and a tiny step towards seeing if he can do a visit there or stay in their respite room. I haven't taken him to the other LTC. It is nearby us also and is suppose to be rebuilt or undergoing extensive renovations. I'm not sure what activities are involved though I do know there is not gardening. That is DH's passion. The drive was a success. We saw Canada geese cleaning up a harvested field and the apples on the trees are large enough to be seen as you drive by.

I am waiting to have a financial review done to see what we pay when DH goes into LTC. Respite is subsidized and I pay $12.47/hour. I am assuming that he will be subsidized at LTC. I keep 60% of our monthly income and he gets 40% of which he keeps a % for spending money (prescriptions, etc). They do not touch our assets of which I have set aside a good amount for care costs. But not enough to pay for many years. If that happens, the health care here will pay the full amount. Which won't happen as I can sell the house when I have to and move into family's in-law suite. There is a plan in place so that I can be looked after also.

What I find hard, like others here, is having to muddle along with little time for myself. There is not chance of going out for a drive to explore another community or go and see my grandparent's place. I rush around 3 days a week getting groceries and doing other chores. One day is for me and three days I have no respite. With a shortage of help in continuing care, we are at the mercy of the scheduling department. We are a high priority but we aren't. They will take away 30 minutes to an hour of your time and you find out the day of. Or you ask for a change of time and your 3 hours becomes 1 hour and you find out 4 - 5 hours before the person is to come. The system isn't broke but it sure is inefficient. Covid brought that out not only here but in other provinces as well. Summer brings it out also as people want/need holidays and extra days off. I am so thankful we have family nearby to help out when things get bad.

I am spending Friday night at family's in-law suite. DDIL is spending the night here with DH to see if I can get a good night's sleep. I doubt if it will happen but at least I can sit and watch TV, knit, and pet the visiting dogs. We will be on call for DDIL as they live only 5 minutes away. I feel guilty leaving him for one night.

Well I had best stop and tend to DH and do some chores. I want to be ready to leave to grocery shop when respite arrives. I also want to spend time in the sewing room as I need to hide from the world. I have to take DH with me to get the back tires replaced on the car tomorrow so we need to have a calm evening so I'm busting myself to keep it calm and orderly.

dayn2nite2

When you were leaving during his episode, what was the purpose of taking him with you?  Do drives calm him?  Generally when someone is violent and angry and we recommend someone leave for their own safety, the recommendation is for you to take the things you need to and leave without taking the PWD.  Then, depending on your ability to predict a reaction, you can try coming back later or you can contact 911 to notify them that there is a problem at home.

I wouldn't continue talking to him or taking him to visit these facilities - this is where his notion that the house is going to be sold is coming from (way down deep).  You are the person who knows best what he needs and you should just make decisions regarding his care with that in mind and with the financial decision that works best for both of you.

AnnMB

Drives seem to calm him down.  I haven't had to leave him yet due to violence. We talk to him when necessary and leave him alone when necessary. It is how it works for him. Talking him into the car takes his mind off what is bothering him.

Selling the house is something he has worried about for a long time. Before I decided to put him into a nursing home or take him for a visit.  He thinks some people (whom I can't identify) will sell the house from under us and he doesn't know why. Then there are times he is going to sell the house whether I like it or not. We are leaving here and where we are going is uncertain. Right now it is a scrambled up mess and he has no idea he will go into a home. The visit was based on a fantasy story I made up and he's made no reference to it since we stopped by for a quick drive by. He feels no threat of being put into one. We talk all the time about living here and doing things in the yard. 

The one big policy we have as a family is not for me to leave him alone. I will monitor him from a distance until DS or DDIL or both can arrive to take over. Then I go downstairs where he can't see me. To date this has been working for us. We will continue doing this until there is a drastic change.

MaryG123

Well done Ann MB!  It sounds like you and your family have a good system, and future plans.  Hang in there!