Pot Sirring

Josie in Podunk

Growing Dementia related issues have made it where I have had to remove my daughter and son-in-law’s numbers from Handyman’s phone as he keeps stirring a pot I struggle almost daily to keep a lid on.  His degrading executive function skills cause him to ring them up every time he gets stuck on stewing about continuing estrangement with them issues.  

Then I have to do damage control to keep her hubby from going all Terminator on my Handyman because being reminded of the truth agitates the man. And, her husband has absolutely no concept of nor willingness to understand Handyman’s dementia being causational to the calls despite my asking/telling Himself to stop.  He simply can’t because that function of his brain no longer works.  Before settling on removing their numbers from his phone I told my daughter to either ignore the calls and erase the messages or block Handyman’s number…which ever works for them.  

It doesn’t help that Handyman is not her BioDad as he died 20 years ago and despite how generous and caring Handyman has been to her and hers, she just won’t let herself accept him and remains pissed at me for remarrying. Also doesn’t matter that he has stood beside me through every scary healthcare issue I have had over the last 12 years.  Or that he has loved her children and stepchildren like they were his.  Or the money he has spent to bail them out of repeat financial crises until recently.  It is never enough no matter what he does.  Sorry…that was a bit of a tangental rant.

I have tried sitting down with both my daughter and her hubby to explain about dementia related issues.  I have sent them copies of a number of the articles we recommend on this site to no avail.  Dealing with a narcissist like her hubby…who is, of course, smarter than everyone in the room and never wrong…is becoming a full time job that I don’t have the spoons for.  I am too old and too tired for this sh--.

Anyway…thanks for listening.  

I’m going out to my porch now to sip coffee, search for some inner peace and strength, and watch the Hummingbirds flit about my beautiful, full of bright red blooms Mandevilla.

Y’all go out there and make it as good as you can for where you are.

Namaste’ y’all.

Stuck in the middle

Good move.  Enjoy your coffee and your flowers, you've earned them!

MaryG123

Oh definitely LostIP, SIL is fired.  You don’t have time for his attitude!  Don’t the hummers just brighten the day?

sandwichone123

Good move. I also just set the ringtone to "silent" on my dh's phone. Then I set individual ringtones for those he might want to hear from.

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Josie in Podunk

No…she is not…I changed that over a decade ago when I had cancer surgery.  I knew better, even then, than to allow her to have any sort of control medically or financially.

Nor is she listed as executor.  And, as the oldest of my two kids, she is going to be both surprised and unhappy to find such out.

Jewelsrr

So sorry. I am  also dealing with a difficult step daughter. Like you said, I just don’t have the spoons for all the people in our life right now that are minimal this. I just wrote a long rant on it.  Think that is the cruelest part, so many that don’t know or don’t bother to find it what we are coping with.

I miss yoga btw, I do it mentally every day but am losing all my time to do the Practices as much as I need and deserve to do. I tell my therapist, I am doing everything  I should for myself, minimally, and it never  feels Like enough.

RobertsBrown

Thank you for all of that. I am with you all the way, and I think you are a badass.

Me too, the hummingbirds.

Josie in Podunk

Oy….here I am 9 months later and Handyman found a text message to what he thinks is a backup number for my daughter.

Jeepers.

Thank heavens it is no longer in service and she never received the message.

My GrandMunKee married her long time boyfriend at the end of Feb. It was a beautiful day filled with love, laughter, family, and friends. But, due to ongoing estrangement her mother…my daughter…was not invited.

A week ago I find a long text message he sent my daughter at the beginning of April outlining the reasons she wasn’t invited…all true, by the way…that is going to be up to her to fix what is wrong, and how hard it is going to be to undo the damage she and her husband have caused the entire immediate family. It was quite well written and very cogent as well as truthful to be honest.

Oy vey. I had no idea he had been chewing on this for weeks before he sent it.

So…now I have deleted both the message and that phone number. I considered leaving it, but that number will be reassigned at some point and startle the person on the other end should he be of the notion to type another one. I am also going through his phone to see if there is more damage control required.

I can’t just take away his phone, yet. His kids and other family and friends still call or message and I don’t want them to feel they or he have to go through me to talk to him. He also has contacts with people who provide various services for us and I want him to still feel autonomous enough to be the one who calls them. Down the road a bit I know I will be looking to remove more numbers, but for now only my daughter and her hubby are of concern.

As Saturday Night Live’s character Roseann Roseannadanna used to say "It just goes to show you. It's always something. If it's not one thing, it's another."

And, so it goes.