Signed DNR today

David J

Today I signed. DNR on my wife for the MCF. No one would advise me, only saying that it was my decision. Her psychiatrist said it was a quality of life issue and that she had no quality of life now. After signing, her doctor and the social worker and director of nursing told me I made the right decision. It’s still hard and feels like giving up. But I know that I am not giving up, I am accepting where we are on this journey. 

Yesterday, she was found lying in the grass at the MCF, and it was unclear whether she fell or chose to lie down. I have found her napping in the grass before, and wouldn’t be concerned. But the MCF staff’s hands were tied by my official directions and the insurance company directives. They called the ambulance and sent her to the ER. We got lucky and got out of there in 8 hours, with no physical signs of injury (of course!). Now, with the DNR in place, they will not send her to the ER unless there is obvious physical damage. 

In some ways, I feel guilty about potentially shortening her life, but on the other hand, her life has no quality. I have to ask what she would want if she had all her faculties. She was a nurse and an attorney and dealt with these issues in her career many times. I know her feelings on this issue. But it is really hard to make this decision and decide for her that this is the best way. 

I know our time is limited, and she will leave me soon. It tears me up, and even though I know it is inevitable and out of my hands, I am trying so hard to make these last months the best they can be. 

Not exactly asking fir comment, just putting my thoughts down in a forum that I lnow will understand. 

MaryG123

I’m so sorry David.  That’s a heartbreaking milestone.

M1

I know exactly how you feel David. But like you, I knew my partner's thoughts on this long predating her dementia, and that made it easier.

Oddly, a relatively trivial thing hit me a lot harder than signing the DNR. I got very emotional when I went to cancel her cellphone account. That felt like the end of an era. Hard to predict how these steps are going to affect you sometimes.

Joydean

David you did what was right for your wife and as you said you know her feelings on this. Bottom line it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or say, you know your wife better than anyone else. My dh and I have both signed a DNR. Wishing you peace in your heart.

Crushed

My DW  has a do not transfer to ER order as part of her MOLST form.

jmlarue

These are hard decisions, but they are made with all love and compassion. A DNR order is not potentially shortening her life. It protects her from medical personnel interfering with her natural death and potentially prolonging her suffering with life support. You know what your wife would choose. Bless you for respecting her wishes.

Ed1937

David, Jm said it perfectly. That's what you have to keep in mind. When my wife was in the hospital, with little chance of survival, I was asked not once, but twice how I wanted to handle it. Both times I told them to let her go. As hard as it was to let her go, I couldn't bear for them to be doing untold things to her to try to save her life. For me it was an easy call.

Jo C.

David, it is with love that you made the difficult decision to sign the DNR form.  I so remember the feelings signing my LOs DNR and then a POLST .

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and it was also finding myself knowing it was the right thing to do according to my LOs wishes, but it was also accompanied by a bit of second guessing which is normal.  When I was alone, I could feel the heartfelt grief of knowing this was the first step to the final outcome which was not far away; it was about honoring and protecting.

You are a dear husband; you have done the right thing; you are your wife's beloved advocate who has moved through this time faithfully and with love.  May you find peace and solace in that.

J.

saltom

My  DH  and I also have both signed the DNR and POLST forms.  At our ages prolonging life is not going to give any quality back. And we didn't want our daughter stuck caring for two fuzzy minded invalids if something were to happen to me.

David J

Thank you all for the validation and support. I know this is a milestone, and I know intellectually that I made the correct decision. It still weighs heavy on my heart.

JDancer

DNR does not mean do not provide care/medical treatment. It means do not resuscitate. Do not attempt to restart a heart that has stopped or respirations that have ceased. Attempts to resuscitate elderly and/or frail people are very traumatic (ribs break) and rarely successful. Few people return to their baseline. I believe DNR status is a kind and appropriate choice for many people.

In my state, a POST (physicians' order for scope of treatment) can spell out details of treatment options. Antibiotics? Tube feedings? Etc. A DNR order is black and white, a POST clarifies the gray areas.

If you have a living will, please take a look at it. In my opinion, if a living will contains phrases such as "if I have no chance of recovery, " etc., it's too vague. Spell out your wishes while you still can. And make thoughtful, loving decisions for your loved ones. Don't feel guilty for making decisions for LOs who can't do it for themselves. It's just an extension of the (loving) care you provide.

Thank you for letting me share my opinions, others may feel differently.

Spanky77

So sorry. This is a tough road. Prayers to you both.

Ed1937

JDancer, you can speak for me too. I agree with every word.

David J

JDancer, we have living wills, and a MOLST in place. No intubation, no feeding tubes, and now, no resuscitation. I have seen the results of CPR on a person and it isn’t what she would want or what I would want for her. It is hard to be at this point of the journey, but we’re here and have to make the best decisions we can.

JDancer

Thanks, Ed. I know I can be blunt and tactless at times...

And, yes, resuscitation doesn't look like it does on TV. I wonder how many people would choose it if they knew the reality.

M1

There have been published studies about how resuscitation is portrayed on TV and in movies.  The actual survival rate for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests is way less than 1%.  Portrayals on film show greater than 50%.

In hospitals, whether and how to resuscitate someone who should be DNR is a tough topic.  What happens frequently--and of course none of this is put on paper, is that a "code" is "slow-walked"--the motions are gone through, but no great effort is put into it, and the person in charge "calls" it after a brief attempt.  They generally know when they are going to be successful and when not.  This is why there has been such an effort to get in front of this and talk to patients and families about it way ahead of time, and to help folks realize that death is a natural event that comes to us all.  That said, it is still stunning how many folks do not have advanced directives.  To me it's worse than not having a will, which is also shockingly common.

So again David, you absolutely did the right thing.

Quilting brings calm

The form my parents complete every year at their wellness check asks about resuscitation, ventilator and feeding tubes.  My Mom ( 84) has refused all three for ANY illness adamantly.  Her doctor turned to me this year and wanted my thoughts.  My thoughts were she is still in our reality( stage 4),  her mom had dementia and I totally understand mom’s decision to die of something else first. I think the doctor thought I’d try to change her mind.   My step-dad waffles back and forth on the DNR question depending on how someone phases the question.  The PCP always candy coats the question with ‘ if they could fix the issue, what would your answer be’.  The doctors in the hospital do not such thing.  They ask a yes/ no type question. The man is 82, had thyroid cancer surgery in his neck 4 times, has it in his lungs, has Emphysema, is too breathing compromised for surgeries, has dilated  aortic arteries and a previous heart attack. He’s knows he’s on borrowed time/ yet he tells the PCP yes he wants to be resuscitated if he’s in there for something  that can be ‘fixed’.  

David, you made the right choice.