Constant gaslighting

Jewelsrr

I just came back from a local caregiver support group near me. So thrilled to feel so validated by similar stories, got some ideas for some of my challenges.

Then hubby comes back from his mens group. He got a ride like I asked him to, he complains that his ride can’t drive either.

Then he tells me he saw his therapist again performed  neuro psychological exam over  year ago that first gave him the prelim diagnosis of MCI that ed us down the road to a more care specialist that did the required rule outs, then eventually a PET scan that assumes Alzheimer’s. DH believes that both the therapist and his new one are telling him the memory care neurologist should not be diagnosing as Alzheimer’s. (Please don’t ask me why he has two).

I am so mad. I am also a therapist, but social work, not psychology I don’t know if this is in their scope of practice but I don’t think so. So IF this is what they are indeed saying I am going to be very sure to check if this is in their scope of practice to be filling his head with this nonsense giving false hope, meanwhile making my life ever more complicated as he then repeats this crap to his daughter who then recites to me “well daddy’s therapist said he can drive”.

Grrrrrr…..l I feel like I am going to start spewing fire. Right when I have spent recent days looking for what’s in my control, focusing on gratitude, trying so hard to not take any of this out on him (did take out on my bathroom contractor a bit).

Sometimes I think this part might be the cruelest part. Everyone doubting me while  I have an entire book of notes now about his memory issues, poor judgment, fatigue and realize signs of this began a good 8 years ago. He even performed poorly in front of the social worker at the office on aging here, he always performs for professionals and didn’t even try the other day.

I keep saying a year ago this man ran a 5 k with me, now he can barely walk, can’t decide what to eat, barely showers. Doesn’t sleep half the time. They ruled out All other possible causes, saw the decline on the PET scan, what more to do I have to do to prove it short of an autopsy? Hope that he starts wandering? Will they believe me then??

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Iris L.

I'll ask, why does he have two therapists?  As a therapist yourself, you know about setting goals and developing insight.  The issue with the dementias is that the PWD will not develop insight.  Seventy percent of PWDs have anosognosia.  Many professionals are unaware of this major characteristic of dementia, and thus proceed in a counterproductive way.  

It will help you to read a lot of threads, also read Crushed's most recent thread about financial planning.  Those people who say he is fine will not be around when you need some help and respite.

Iris

RobertsBrown

Hi Jewelsrr,

If you can speak to either or both 'therapists' I would hand them a note that says they believe your husband has no condition that should restrict his driving of an automobile on public streets.  Print it out for them so all they have to do is sign it.

Explain that your insurance agent requested it so that you and your husband would not be sued for allowing a person with a legally recorded impairment to drive.

Don't forget to give your best big fake smile.

Pat6177

There’s a chance that your DH created this story in his mind - either wishful thinking or confabulation. Or a complete misunderstanding of something that one of the therapists said. I would check with the person(s) that supposedly said this and verify.

Jewelsrr

Victoria, so agree. Sorry you get that too. You would think the health professionals could be more helpful. I really appreciated the memory care professionals for the directness and I think that is what everyone is pushing back on. It’s uncomfortable to hear, but we need to make decisions now to be proactive. DH admits “something is wrong, I don’t know what and it is probably progressive.” So he has that much insight at least.

Jewelsrr

Iris, haha well I honestly wish I knew. My guess is that he is lonely but the longer story is he has resisted counseling all through our marriage, thought his mens group was enough. Then found the first one that did the evaluation when I found the first round of inappropriate online activity. We then sent him to a brain injury clinic where he then had a woman also. But he started reliving trauma so she referred him to the other new guy. Meanwhile guy #1 is very unwilling to to about anything real so I thought we were dropping him and he is as executive dysfunctional as DH and they did not talk for at least 6 weeks while DH was seeing new guy. Then suddenly last week guy 1 sends a link for no specific time on a day were at his primary doctor. So now they managed to reschedule and successfully meet and he apparently says something similar to what the other guy had said.

So this morning I am going to sit on session with new guy and clarify goals, and will also do so with guy 1 next time. I should not have to do this! 

Yes I looked at crushed post. Thankfully DH was also an attorney and thankfully his first proactive thought was to make an attorney appointment so that’s soon. Heard some good advice about that at the meeting also.

I read a ton about understanding DH behavior but someone needs to write about the denial of everyone else!

Jewelsrr

Roberts, haha I like that approach! I am going to sit on appointments with both and clarify goals and understanding of his lack of understanding!

Jewelsrr

Pat, that’s what everyone says but I did sit in in just a few minutes with new therapist and he did actually say something that was leading to that due to him not having all of the information. so that’s the other problem DH reports the story incorrectly. I watched him do that to his primary doctor and had to fill in many gaps about the rule out process. I am going to join in on sessions, exhausting I have to do this.

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jfkoc

I am with Victoria. Why the therapy? Really, why the therapy?

elainechem

And then there was my husband. Early in his illness, he went to a men's group meeting at church. Afterwards, he told me that no less than three doctors in the group approached him and told him that he was fine and they were willing to attest to that. I was confused. There was actually only one doctor in that group - a retired family practitioner. I called Dr. Dave later. He told me that he hadn't even spoken to hubby that day and he confirmed that he was the only doctor in the group. Hubby wasn't lying. He truly believed what he said. After posting about it here, I understood that hubby was confabulating, not lying. This happens quite frequently in people with dementia. It's a function of their failing memories.

Jewelsrr

Victoria and JFKOC, I agree at this point. We just had a joint session trying to get him to agree to needing my help and he just became like a total teenager. Glad his therapist got to see it. As others have speculated it is just him believing what he believes not what the therapist is saying. So I feel validated but sad. The therapist wants to help him find enjoyment despite “all his rights taken away”. We will see. I left him sulking and came to work.

Jewelsrr

Yes I sat in on the session today and that was exactly it. See my post above. Horribly sad and frustrating session.

Rescue mom

I’m still trying to figure out why he is going to talk therapy at all? If he can’t remember what’s said, cannot put strategies into action, can’t follow the therapist’s advice (because he can’t remember), what is the point of the therapy?

Maybe it’s a form of social activity? But seems like the negatives outweigh any positives; there would be other better ways to have social interaction. How can the therapist help him “find enjoyment” when he can’t act on what the therapist advises? 

It makes me wonder about the therapist…..FWIW, and full disclosure, my DH with Alzheimer’s went to a therapist twice, because I was desperate and trying everything, and the therapist told me it was pointless for him to go. I still go myself, and think it’s valuable, but I do not have dementia.