Getting your loved one to accept a in home caregiver

BDB

Hello,

I found a great in home caregiver. My wife has moderate cognitive decline. AFter 1st day she keeps asking who it is. I have explained a few times someone to help out around the house. 

Any suggestions on what have workers for others to get them to bond?

Thank you

towhee

Just keep explaining the same way, matter of fact, no stress, it will take time, but so long as your LO does not get frightened or upset you are doing good. Try doing something outside or in another room for a short period of time, make sure she is ok with that before you leave the house, then make sure the aide can call you if LO needs to hear your voice. 

Aide can try bringing small gifts (you can pay) such as flower or two supposedly from her garden, a baked good or candy that was on sale, dust the pictures and ask about children, tell a funny story about a child or church friend, sing a song while she is sweeping. It is up to the aide to bond. This does depend on what stage your LO is in.

​fesk

It will take a while for a bond to form - weeks, months. 

Depending on your wife's capabilities and your trust level in the caregiver, they can perhaps do things that your wife can no longer do without supervision - for example, grocery shopping. What does your wife like to do? What is she capable of still doing? They can do things around the house together - prepare meals, clean, etc. Go for walks. Play games.

I think what may help the most is routine. If there is a somewhat set routine when the caregiver comes, your wife will eventually expect and rely on it. I found routine to be very helpful in our situation.

May flowers

My FIL is in a later stage, but he does seem to respond to a cheerful voice and even humming/singing (not to him necessarily) just while they are doing stuff around the house. 

Another idea is to give the caregiver a list of things she can talk about with about your wife - her hobbies, family, parents and what they did, siblings, childhood home, career, children, favorite movies, books, songs  etc. It might help break the ice. 

Ed1937

I think May hit on something. Let's say your wife was a gardener. The caregiver could tell her that she is planning to start a garden, and ask for pointers. Anything that will make your wife happy and involved. The caregiver could also play the type of music your wife likes. Maybe even something from when your wife was a very young woman.

Rescue mom

I asked a similar question recently, after going through several aides who DH actively refused to engage with. He is a little more extreme —and much later stage than your LO—than many about not wanting other people around. But usually it comes down  to the PWD getting accustomed to having the aide around.

It takes some PWDs much longer than others, and often more than one visit.

But sharing activities the PWD enjoys often works, easy conversation about a topic of interest (you tell the aide what),  or just having the aide do some light housekeeping or something around the PWD until it’s routine. What towhee and fesk said.

Also, you said “bond,” and that can have different levels, mean different things. . At this point I don’t expect my DH to bond with them, as I consider “bonding,” I’m just hoping for acceptance and some civil interaction. 

MarLee92

I was browsing the boards on another subject and came across this post. My MIL with alz needs to have someone come into her house......at this point with her children resisting it, I would take just someone once a week to be with her!  I really love everyone's ideas, I think they are terrific. I could really see my MIL accepting someone easier who would listen to her stories and interests, and I love the garden project idea. My MIL lives alone, and in my opinion, shouldn't be. 

Maybe if I share your ideas with my in-laws and husband, they'll think about it more seriously. Thanks again.

Appy

This is a tough one sometimes! In May, 2019 I had to bring in caregivers for my Mom after she came home from rehab after hip surgery. I started with an agency but didn't like how they seldom sent the same caregivers and that didn't go over well with Mom. She was sure they were stealing from her. 

After deciding that 1. we couldn't afford to keep the agency on and 2. not happy with 90% of the caregivers they provided, I started searching on my own. Talking to friends and folks at church trying to find some help. Three years in I can tell you it hasn't been an easy road. Some of the ladies have bonded with Mom well but to this point I have had to let three go because there was no connection and Mom flat out didn't like them.  

Most of the time when the chores for that shift are done the caregiver will go sit with Mom in her TV room and they will watch a show together. Mom likes animal shows so it's always a plus when one is on. I can see she has bonded well with most of the ladies at this point. It just really takes time and effort on their part. Showing kindness is huge! One of the ladies is pushing 80 yrs old and has become very negative and likes to challenge me on way too many things. Being Mom's POA I'm in charge of everything so tonight I will be letting this lady go and will fill in with my SIL. It will be a relief to have that behind me. I hate this part of being POA...ending people's employment. 

The more effort the caregivers make to bond with the PWD the better!