Responding to violence

StephPathofLove

Painful to write this post. My mother was diagnosed in April ( early to moderate). We took the path of diagnoses because of the rageful anger my mom has towards my dad. ( I experience this at times too, but my dad is the main target). My parents live together and I live about 2 miles away.

My mom becomes very angry with my dad. She hits, kicks and pushes him. She cusses and says that he never apologies. (She doesn't remember when he does, she also seems to block out his efforts to acknowledge her feelings.)  My dad is attempting to acknowledge her feelings and redirect when she becomes abusive.

He doesn't leave the house. 

What should he do? 

M1

Welcome Steph. He should call 911 and have her taken to a hospital with a geriatric psychiatry ward. She should be evaluated and admitted for medication management. 

I hope he has power of attorney for her, that will make it much easier. if he doesn't, he needs to talk to a certified elder care attorney (look at nelf.org) to get their affairs in order.

He cannot and should not let this continue, bad for both of them. You may have to call if he won't.  She is abusing him. I am so sorry you are all dealing with this.

towhee

Hello Steph. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for persons with dementia to behave badly with their primary caregiver. They lose their social filters and inhibitions and also their sense of empathy. Also, once they get wound up, they lack the ability to stop. It is unusual for it to go the point of physical violence, however. While there are techniques to distract a PWD before they get really angry, once they are, these don't work well if at all. It might seem farfetched, but your father needs to make sure your mom has no access to weapons, including kitchen knives and anything else that might do damage. He needs to keep a charged phone on him at all times and have a room he can retreat to with a lock. Engaging your mom does not seem to be working, try disengaging, that is leave the room when she gets starts to get angry and see if she will cool down. What worked best for me was to say my stomach hurt and I had to go to the bathroom, text a relative who then called LO on the phone and chatted. Ten minutes later, the anger was forgotten. 

I do not think this is a solution for you but it might help. I think you will need medications. If your LO has been prescribed something already it is not working and needs to be changed or adjusted. I did not have access to a geriatric psychiatric facility or a board certified geriatric psychiatrist even though I live in a large city. But there were memory care specialists, neurologists, and psychiatrists who did some work with the elderly. If your LOs current physician is not competent in this area find someone who is, ASAP. 

Best Wishes

​fesk

Sorry that you and you father are dealing with this. 

If not already done, please have your mom evaluated to be sure there isn't an underlying medical problem causing issues. A complete workup should be done, including ruling out a UTI. If a medication was added recently, the behavior might be the result of that. If none of the above applies, she will most likely need medication to help manage her behaviors. Speak to a geriatric specialist.

Ed1937

Steph, you have some excellent replies above. Please consider them. If your father is open to joining a forum, he could join this one for help and understanding. There is also a forum on this site for "spouse and partner caregiver forum". Click on "message boards" above.

Another thing he could try is whenever he sees this coming, apologize to her for whatever she thinks he is doing (even if he is not wrong), and tell her he is sorry, and he'll try to do better. He should also show empathy towards her, telling her he is sorry he caused her to feel so bad, and tell her he loves her . He needs to come across as loving and not upset with her. This might help until she can be evaluated for other conditions, like a UTI or something else, and possible medication changes.