How do I not become the punching bag

Stitches16

My mom is struggling with understanding that she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She doesn't believe the doctor. I struggle with not trying to reason with her when the things she says out of anger are so hurtful. She has a new boyfriend, and to her, there is no one that cares for her more and she is willing to sell all her things and give up her own apartment to be with him. She doesn't seen the signs of control others see this man has and she refuses to believe she has a problem. Yet the behaviors and memory loss are becoming more and more apparent. And so I'm the one she is attacking and accusing of betraying her and that I have NEVER done anything to care for her. It hurts.

I am new to all of this...it's only been a few months, but by being her caregiver, I feel like I'm signing up to be her punching bag. I'm trying to see past it but she has always been one to hit where it hurts most.

How do other's cope?

M1

Welcome to the forum. I think you may have to be willing to be the punching bag in order to keep her safe. The boyfriend is a big red flag, I hope you have power of attorney and control of her finances? If not talk to an attorney right away. Certified elder law attorneys can be found at nelf.org.

quartlow2

Oh man you're in a tough spot! I'm so sorry you are in it!

She is so vulnerable, as you know. Are you her POA? My Mom wouldn't get a diagnosis but was convinced she didn't have dementia because her memory wasn't bad. But we didn't know about aphasia at the time.

As far as hurtful words...just keep reminding yourself that she's not in control of her thoughts or her words. She doesn't know what she's saying. When the brain is damaged in the communication center, they use wrong words and don't even know it. 

I've heard that music helps their mood. My Mom was very hard of hearing so I never tried it. I think you'll get some better advice from knowledgeable people tomorrow.

Take care and know you are not alone.

Ed1937

Stitches, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this now. If you think your mother is being taken advantage of, maybe the first thing you should do is call adult protection services, and let them know what is happening.

M1 told you that you will need to be the punching bag if you are her caretaker, and he suggested seeing a CELA. He is absolutely right on both accounts. Seeing a CELA is something that needs to be done ASAP. No time to lose.

Your mother probably is dealing with anosognosia. Here is a short video explaining what it is. Why your loved one doesn't believe they have dementia- It's NOT denial. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome and so sorry! Please get POA as soon as possible, before she gives it to the boyfriend.

harshedbuzz

Stitches-

I am sorry you find yourself in this challenging scenario.

At the moment, your hair is on fire. Being the punching bag is a relatively low priority concern right now. 

If you haven't already, you need to activate a DPOA (if you have it) or see a CELA and get your mom to give you the documents needed to protect her. If she balks, you may need to obtain guardianship asap which is more expensive and time consuming. 

You also need to do a deep dive into your mom's financials to make sure she hasn't gifted money or co-signed any loans. You want to take steps to lock down her credit to avoid this going forward. Gifting money is not only a poor decision as she will need all her funds for care going forward, it could also interfere with her qualifying for Medicaid should she need placement assuming she outlives her assets. If this has already happened and the boyfriend is involved, you could consider contacting APS and reporting financial abuse of the elderly. 

It would also be worthwhile to look at her email, snail mail, texts and social media to see if there is anything odd there as well. 

It's often said that rule #1 of Dementia Fight Club is to never attempt to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. Even if you could convince her, she'd likely forget she did almost immediately. It's likely mom had anosognosia a condition which impacts many PWD and prevents them from being able to appreciate that they have had a shift in cognition and abilities. 

Since you can't reason with a PWD, work-arounds will be needed to keep her safe. If this agitates her and causes her to trend into abusive or aggressive behavior, medication might be needed to dial things back. Your best option around this is a geriatric psychiatrist if you can get one. Otherwise, her neurologist might be an option. 

Good luck. 

HB

Iris L.

Read about anosognosia.  Your mom will never realize she has dementia.  Forget about trying to convince her.

Your mom is vulnerable.  There are many people who prey upon older women like her.  If it were my mom, I would run a credit check on the man, discretely of course.

Iris L.