Missing My Wife

rannswann

I turned 65 yesterday. And my DW didn't know. My DW of 43 years, my girlfriend since we were both 15. My other half (in the very least - probably more like 70%). 

She's 65 as well and lives somewhere in the nebulous "moderate" stage of ALZ, still at home with me, and is doing very well, all things considered. But, so much of her is gone already - her interests, her emotions, and, of course much of her memory, especially short-term. Even when reminded that it was my birthday, it just didn't register. She wasn't upset at forgetting, like she was last year and the couple before that. It broke my heart and made me miss her Total Self ever more.

I just had to write it out.

sandwichone123

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's heartbreaking, a hundred times a day. We still have our partner, but there is no partner there.

Hoot619

I know how you must feel .  Happy birthday anyway. This darn disease is something else.  It's one hell of a taker.

Joydean

Happy belated birthday! Hoot is so very right. This disease is one hell of a taker. Wishing you and your sweetheart all the best!

Ed1937

I'm sorry it's so darn hard. This disease brings a lot of pain, and little joy.

Dio

Happy Birthday!!

I had the worst birthday of my life last November, one I'd like to forget. Anyhow, I know it's hard, and I myself haven't quite mastered it yet, but I will fight as hard as possible to become a warrior like so many here, and to savor every bit of "wins"... perhaps just a slight smile, a giggle, an apology, a hug, a kiss, a cuddle ... maybe, just maybe, that will be enough to keep me fighting.

DJnAZ

I know exactly how you feel. Dementia is such a terrible disease. It is the only illness I can think of that will take our loved ones from us twice. Happy 65th!

Just Bill

My wife has lost her anger and agitation and replaced it with calm contentment. I am not sure if it's a calm before the storm or a new development. All of a sudden she just stopped being difficult. No arguing, no anger outbursts, no impatience, gone just like that. I am very happy with the current version of my wife, she still has a sense of humor and she has become really good company but it isn't her anymore. I am happy she is no longer difficult, but who my wife was checked out a while ago. I miss her too.

Crushed

DW is in memory care.  It is 4 years since she had the slightest idea of who I was or who our children and grandchildren are.  She get the best of care.

I remember all the amazing things she did with her life.   At 64 she went with me to South Africa and photographed animals..  At the time she was 6 years into the disease  At 65 we made it with the family to Lake Louise, and then it was soon over.  That was 5 years ago

I miss the humor and hilarity she brought to everything.  Every time she got dressed up for an event  the long dress became a nightgown for a romp with the fellow she had picked up at the party.  ME !!  I saved every dress!

She loved that I cooked for her and liked "showing me off"  as a cook. She said she never had a "me too" moment since she always had a BEAR with her.  I fought for her legally on several occasions and she was hilarious.  She said I was paid "in kind" and the payment was generous.  We raised wonderful children together.
     
It really hurts to see the shell of this wonderful partner 
  

   

 

  

Paris20

My husband will never come home. Alzheimer’s followed by a stroke required that I place him in a care facility. I visit him almost every day. When I come home, the house is so quiet. Sometimes I think I hear him puttering around the house but then I realize it’s just house noises. My beagle has terminal cancer and I know the silence will be oppressive once she’s gone. My husband and I have been together since we were teens, 60 years ago. This is the first time in my entire life that I have lived alone. My kids and grandkids live in different states around the country. They’re wonderfully kind and supportive but they have their own lives to live. This disease takes many victims.

jmlarue

It's unbearably hard to accept. 54 years together for us. Married DH at 17, but we'd known one another from childhood. Just 2 small-town kids where everybody knew your name, your family, and your history. He came home from Vietnam July 1, 1968. We celebrated his 21st birthday on July 12 and were wed in our Episcopal Church on July 14. For 53 years, we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with thanksgiving for another year together and the promise of another year ahead of us. This year - those dates passed without DH remembering the significance. Just another day of limbo; waiting for God. It's painful to be the lone keeper of a lifetime of memories. Who will keep those memories honest? Did I imagine them?

Ah, yes, I remember it well...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQxM5rJ-uiY&ab_channel=tizianafato

jfkoc

Ah, yes, Maurice, but sometimes I find the memories are better left alone on the shelf. They do not always bring happiness...just the realization  that my husband's life is over. That, to me, is the ultimate sadness.

Hoot619

 I almost wish I hadn't read this one,it showed me all that I have been missing. It brought back a lot of good memories.  Every body on here goes thru this sooner or later.  At the start LO is slowly regressing and we can deal with that. But after a while it takes its toll.  When some one asks us how we are doing, we say ok.  That's not the way to do it--- let them know its kicking your butt. Doesn't matter what they say or think. Your letting it out and it makes you feel a little better   We can't keep it bottled up inside.  Hoot

Just Bill

I think what we can all feel in our bones is I hope she goes peacefully in the night. I think it all the time. Not now of course but when she gets real bad. I never thought that thought would be in my head about my wife. Unless you walk this path you won't understand that. I shared that thought with some people that wanted to know how I feel and I told them. Clearly they didn't get it because they looked at my like I was heartless ghoul. Cancer, heart disease, most everything else human survival is the paramount thought. Not so much with this. When quality of life is gone so are you. It's a harsh reality but a fact that sinks in everyday.

toolbeltexpert

Rannswann happy Birthday. Each new loss is bit of ourselves along with thier loss. Letting is so hard to do! I read your profile, we used to live in Plainville, before tn. Boy do I miss clams in Plymouth.

Bill_2001

Understood completely rannswann.

The calendar is only useful now for organizing and scheduling, rather than celebrating "special days." My dear wife has not understood the concept of time, dates, months, seasons, or any special days for nearly seven years. Time is an abstract concept that seems to be lost for dementia sufferers.

Your dear wife loves you, and my dear wife loves me. Love endures. Try not to concentrate on special days; she will let you down every time. This is not her fault. Try to receive her signals that she loves you anytime they arrive: A flash in her eyes, a smile, or when she gently drifts to sleep after you have taken care of her daily needs.

The rhythm of days, months, seasons, birthdays, and holidays comes natural to us, but is completely lost on our dear ones with dementia. The tables could have been turned: My dear wife could have been the one taking care of me, just the same. I am bitter and angry at this disease, for leaving me without the lovely lady I married. But she is still in there somewhere. I try to savor those lucid moments as they arrive.

My friends call me and wish me Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. But my wife never will again, and it is heartbreaking. I miss my wife too.

Vitruvius

It has been several years since DW has been aware of any special day. She has no concept of time, unaware of the day, month, season, or year. Her particular dementia, Semantic Dementia, has robbed us of any meaningful communication. She does say she loves me, whoever it is she thinks I am that is. Meds have made her more pleasant and calm and she remarkably retains a sense of humor, but I think they have contributed to the slow erasure of her personality.

As Bill_2001 notes, my DW still has traces of her former self, and I do treasure those. I find myself taking pictures of her with my phone quite often when she seems to have some look that reminds me of days long past. My grasping at straws to retain the best memory of her I can  

Add me to the list of those who miss their LO. 

ImMaggieMae

Just Bill, my DH never exhibited anger, but his agitation and repetitive behaviors were extreme for a long while. But like your DW, he also has been calm and content since sometime in April, due in part I think, to a tweak in medications. In the past 6 weeks, several things to do with memory have actually improved. His incontinence has disappeared during the daytime, he’s more talkative, not like before dementia, but still stringing more words together, and like your wife, his sense of humor has come back. He isn’t the same man he was before, and he certainly doesn’t remember birthdays and holidays and the calendar, but we too have entered a period of calm contentment and I enjoy being with him. These days are precious.

rannswann

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. It's a strange milestone - one which is so readily identified with retirement, Medicare and taking life easy. Of course, you plan on experiencing it as a couple, not this. We all carry on, us caregiver partners, as best we can.

Peace

JDancer

Ambiguous loss. It's only understood by those who are or have experienced it. I share your grief. I'm so sad for both (all) of us.

Jeff86

Belated happy birthday, rannswann.  This year was my big six-five as well, and it was meaningless to my DW, as was our anniversary.   

These losses  are incredibly hard to bear and, alas, they just keep coming.  Having a spouse with AD means having to let go of so much.  We are here for you, and we understand as no one else can.