Wants to move to another facility and communication

KristiG

My mom is 89 years old and was diagnosed with age-related dementia several years ago.  Because of declining cognitive and mobility issues (several and frequent falls some of which resulted in ER visits), we have had to move her for her safety from her independent living apartment to AL to the MC unit at her life-care community within the past six months.  This has been a lot of change for her and us (me and my sisters). She moved to the community 12 years ago and was very involved in picking that community for herself and understood the life-care concept at that time.  We were in agreement with that decision after researching and visiting other facilities.  

Right now I'm seeking some guidance on how to best communicate with her in general and especially about a particular issue.  She keeps expressing an interest in going to look at other facilities.  Her reasons for doing so are ever-changing and vague.  We have tried to be calm and reasonable in explaining that she is in a good place that she chose, safe and cared for but that doesn't seem to work or stick anymore.  Based on other conversations, impromptu visits and info from staff tells me that it isn't the place but the changes in her, her needs and probably the disease that is causing this.  Recently she has taken to calling me (I'm a long-distance caregiver) in the evening (not a good time for her) to mostly discuss this issue.  The other evening she called and asked again if I knew of any other places where she could go.  When I said no I didn't, she got angry, said I didn't want to help her and the conversation went downhill from there.  We both ended up angry and hurt and I'd really like to avoid that in the future. 

I didn't answer a phone call from her last evening bur she left a voice mail and asked me to call her because she had some things we wanted to discuss with me.  In reading the other posts, it seems this is similar to the wanting to go home situation.  I will try some more redirection but if anyone has any other suggestions please share.  

M1

Hi Kristie and welcome to the forum.  I'm sure others will chime in.  My partner has  been in MC for four months and has not settled, continually wants to go home which to her is Texas, her childhood home--until she sees me, and then it's just simply about leaving now.  I can't visit in person, but even in telephone/FaceTime calls there has to be continual delay--we're in quarantine (true currently), the parking lot is torn up, the rugs are being replaced--any reason we can come up with to defer why she can't leave now.  You may have to do the same.  Rather than argue with her or naysay, you may just have to say "yes, we'll look into that in a few days" or something similar.  if you mom is like my partner, she may have no sense of time whatever, so that each conversation is forgotten in a moment.  you can say you're looking, no one has openings currently, no one is admitting because of covid, etc. etc. etc.  What you say may depend on her level of dementia.  Good luck.

MN Chickadee

It sounds like sundowning, a common occurrence with dementia. Even months after her move to MC my mother would be fine all day until dinner time when the sun was starting to go down and then she was often exit seeking and freaking out about going home. Super common for them to have anxiety and more trouble in the late afternoons and evenings.  If it's too much you could look at a med tweak to find something for her anxiety. You would probably find your mom would do the same thing in a few facility, it's just the progression of the disease. "Home" sometimes means a childhood home, or more often even just a feeling of everything being ok again. She probably feels that longing for comfort in a confusing world that is becoming smaller and scarier as her brain becomes more affected and thinks moving will help. I would read on this forum about therapeutic fibs. There comes a time when the truth is useless and you should find the response that brings comfort. Her mind can't remember the choices she made years ago nor can process the reason and logic as to why this facility is appropriate for her. So tell her whatever you have to to settle her down. Sure Mom, I will look into that tomorrow, sure I can look for a new place when I visit next month etc. Maybe the other place has a covid outbreak and aren't allowing tours for a few weeks.  Maybe when it isn't so hot outside. Maybe the other places in town don't have a room available right now but you will get her on the waitlist. Yes I understand you don't like it there and I'll look into that for you, in the mean time enjoy xyz activity tomorrow. Tell her you will always be there for her, keep things upbeat, tell her whatever brings comfort. Keep kicking the can down the road, rinse and repeat. Validate her feelings and redirect and distract. Eventually she will move on.

dayn2nite2

The "waitlist" is a wonderful response.  You've got her on some waitlists, but she can't tour the facilities until her name comes up.

Of course, her name won't be called...

HollyBerry

My mom did this, too. I tried to deflect by asking what she wished was different in a new place, and sometimes the answer was enlightening.

I think I told her I had made some calls and would ask around to see if there was a better option... there wasn't but as others said, she wanted to be heard and she felt better when I wasn't obviously blowing her off.

quartlow2

There are some great ideas here. My parents were in MC and my MIL was cared for in her home until she passed. My MIL, although in the home she raised her family in, she still wanted to go home.