Please help me with where to start?

Frostpoint

I live with my elderly mother who is exhibiting some troubling symptoms.  She has been chronically ill and in and out of hospitals and rehabs for the last few years.  Most of her medical issues are pretty much under control but lately she has  been having what I guess you would call delusions (I have never been 100% clear about the difference between delusion and hallucination).   She sees animals in the yard that couldn't possibly be there - think like a seal living in a suburban backyard nowhere near a body of water, she talks about but has never seen a man breaking in through the basement which has no separate exit or entry and taking a shower and leaving. SHe is sure there is a secret staircase that appears and disappears.   She won't accept any logical explanations and won't be redirected.  Any challenge to what she is sure she is seeing or describing leads to her getting angry and mean which is completely opposite to hear personality.   

A complicating factor is the fact that we lost my father a few years ago after a long and complicated battle with Alzheimers that ended in hospice care at home.   We don't really talk about it but I know she is terrified of going down the same path.  What can I do?  There is no way to trick her into any kind of new MD visit for a diagnosis, she already has an MD for pretty much every specialty.  It would break her heart if I were to suggest we go to the MD to be tested for dementia and after the experience with my father I am afraid she would just give up if she does get an official diagnosis.   Has anyone ever tried to let nature take its course and let things play out without drugs or MD intervention at least in the early stages?

She has a son who is involved as much as possible but doesn't have a lot of free time and a granddaughter she is close to but not much else in the way of close friends/family.

And most importantly for me right now, how do I control my own resentment and exhaustion?   I understand that nothing that is happening is her fault but after caring for my father for so long it is hard to face the possibility of going through it again.   I am ashamed that I can't always control my feelings when she is having one of these "episodes" and can't always stop myself from yelling her to "snap out of it".

Sorry for such a rambling first post.  

Ed1937

Frostpoint, welcome aboard. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

It is my understanding that a delusion is a very rigid false belief, that will not respond to rationalization. A hallucination has to do with the senses. They see something that isn't there. They smell something that isn't there, etc. Both are hard to deal with, but there are medications that might help, even though it is usually trial and error. It often takes time to find the right meds. Sometimes if the person knows there are people in their yard causing trouble, you might tell them that the police were called, and they told them to get out of the yard, and not to come back. Use whatever you can think of to make them more comfortable, but don't try to argue that there are no people there. They know the people are there, and you can't convince them otherwise.

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. Do you think she would buy it if you told her she has to see a special doctor who works for the government, so she can keep her insurance? If she doesn't see them, she will lose her insurance by whatever date you choose.

My wife did not take any memory medication until the last month of her life. But if she would have exhibited aggression or other major problems, I would have put her on medications for those things. There are times when there is no question that they are needed.

You have to understand that her brain does not work like those of most people. It is not her fault, and there is nothing that she can do to make life easier for you or anyone else. You will have to be the one who changes your thinking. She cannot do that.

Joydean

Frostpoint, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this especially since you went through this with your dad. Did your dad have a doctor that helped with meds and did your mom like him/her? Could you get your mom in to see that doctor?  Just trying to throw a idea out that might work. Prayers for you and your mom!

HollyOfTn

I am so glad I found this site! I feel completely not alone & crazy.  I have no clue where to go for help as I feel like the facility now is in cahoots with hospice and they are way over charging for bare minimum.  I am basically taking care of her on my own, with my husband’s help, while raising a 15 year old autistic son.  She went downhill very quickly.  I’ve had to make all decisions.  I’m the youngest of 3.  I have a ton of resentment towards my siblings.  I don’t know where to go from here but I swore to my dad, who passed 11 years ago, that I would take care of her, plus: she’s my mom.  She no longer recognizes me and acts like a petulant toddler refusing to bathe and defecates on herself while laughing  as opposed to the stylish proud woman I once knew.  I die inside every single time I go there.  I often pray she’s asleep so I can just watch her.  I’m so sorry this was eternal:  I’ve just reached the end of my humans.

Frostpoint

Thanks for the reply Ed1937.   I think what you said below sums up where I am stuck right now.

Ed1937 wrote:

 Use whatever you can think of to make them more comfortable, but don't try to argue that there are no people there. They know the people are there, and you can't convince them otherwise.

Although we went through this in the recent past with my father, his delusions/hallucinations tended to be happier, for lack of a better word.  He thought he saw friends from school in the room and would want to dance with them and or would sing along with the famous singer he was sure was in the kitchen.   He never seemed scared or unhappy.    My mother is scared by the people she thinks are in the yard so my instinct is to try to convince her they aren't there.   

Its strange how unprepared I feel this time around.  I guess I thought the odds were on my side and we wouldn't get hit twice in such a short span of time.

Frostpoint

Thanks, Joydean.

My mother and father shared the same primary MD and she doesn't really like him.   One of her big complaints was how quickly he diagnosed my father.  I wasn't present at that appointment but she said he just did about 10 minutes worth of simple cognitive tests like drawing a clock, remembering a list, etc.  She was upset enough about it and remembers it so clearly that she would immediately know what was happening if he or really any other MD tried to sneak in a quick little cognitive test as part of a checkup.

I am wondering if there is really any point to pursuing it at this stage.   Would it really change anything about how we manage things?   There is a problem but as long as we can continue to manage things at home is there any benefit to having an official name for the problem?  

One of the many things keeping me up at night.

jfkoc

Hi Frostpoint.....

The "clock test" only indicates a problem. It is not a diagnosis. There is a protocol for diagnosis which basically narrows down/eliminates causes for the symptoms....many are treatable like a vitamin D deficiency.

After those thigs are ruled out there will be an attempt to pinpoint the type of dementia in play. This is important because the drugs used differ.

You can google the subject....the Mayo's site for this is one. 

Hopefully you are withing the window frame where financial and medical matters can be put in order. A DPOA really needs to be put into plase ASAP..DPOA can also be googled.

BTW and way off topic....are those Peonys???

mommyandme (m&m)

If you need an official diagnosis for a POA or LTC insurance to be activated then it’s important to get it.  Also the meds issue and if it’s a treatable condition that mimics dementia, you’d probably want to know that too. 

So sorry you’re dealing with this hard stuff.  

Frostpoint

Hi JFKOC,

Yes, Peonies!   Not mine, unfortunately.   I had to leave mine behind when my mother and I moved.  I haven't had much luck in the new house growing new ones, especially with the dry and obnoxiously hot summer we have had this year.  But I use the photos as a reminder of better times. 

The only part of my father's diagnostic testing my mother seems to remember is the cognitive testing though of course there were other things involved.   So while I could probably sneak in blood work or scans as part of her regular medical care, as soon as someone tries to do any kind of cognitive testing she is likely to figure out what they are looking for.   I am struggling with this because I know she will just give up if she hears a diagnosis.