Advice for MCI and anosognosia

LittleRoseBug15

Hello everyone. I wrote the board a month ago and the advice has been so helpful. I've done more research and am working on moving down to my LO, getting an elder care attorney, and POA. But, my question now is how do you go about making lifestyle, particularly financial, changes for a LO who doesn't have the awareness of their illness when they're functioning at a high level and will notice/resist/resent changes?

The situation: my mother has MCI and anosognosia. She's very proud, strong-willed, independent, and in many ways very capable but her short-term memory is severely impaired - it seems to be about mild to moderate stage. The most pressing issue right now is that she is spending far more money than she should be. Frequent trips to the ATM (possibly not remembering how much she's gotten out before) and unable to understand that as a retiree, her income is greatly diminished from what it was. I think reasoning is out so I don't think a budget would be affective (as people oftentimes mention here). It really seems that with money, she's operating solely from impulse.

I'm doing my research to get an elder care attorney and get POA. However, there are no fiblets with my mom when it comes to finances. With POA, I know I could do plenty of things to keep her money safe (change banks/accounts, limit the amounts of ATM withdrawals, etc.), but she's still savvy enough to notice and call/go to a bank and inquire about changes she didn't make. If she finds out that I've handled her in this way, she will be furious and she is not at the point where she would forget a blow up in a day. 

Is there a best practice here, especially when a PWD doesn't think they are impaired? As I'm her only child, I worry that I run the risk of being pushed away if I overstep. 

Thanks in advance, everyone.

 LittleRoseBug 

M1

LRB, do you happen to know someone personally at her bank?  You certainly are going to have to have POA, and there may not be any way around making her mad, but a sitdown conversation with someone at the bank and at other institutions might help more than you know.  My situation is different--it's my partner not my mother--but since pretty much all the professionals we deal with already knew us as a couple, it was no surprise to them when I let them know about the advancing dementia and we came up with plans for handling it.   It was relatively easy because I already had POA and was already a signatory on her bank account.  But if you have a conversation with someone at the bank, they may be able to help you come up with solutions, I imagine they would be sympathetic.

I'm also wondering if there are ways you can have bills put on autopay or redirected.  That became I big issue here, again made somewhat easier by the fact that my partner was never that computer savvy.  There came a point at which I just told her all bills had to be paid online now, and she didn't know any different and therefore let me handle it.  But until she went into memory care, I had to get the mail before she did and take out the things I didn't want her to see (including numerous solications, certain bills that still came by mail, etc).  Fortunately our mailbox was a long walk from the house and I stopped by the barn on the way back down the driveway, that's where I hid/threw away all the unnecessary mail).

Just a caution, also from my own experience:  we all tend to underestimate the degree of dementia in our loved ones.  The spending is a huge red flag, and you need to not delay taking over the finances no matter how much you fear her anger.  There are numerous individuals on this forum who have lost large, large amounts of money before they were able to step in.  You need to preserve her assets for her eventual care needs, and you are doing it for her, not to her--try to remember that.  Good luck---

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LittleRoseBug15

Thank you both for the responses.

M1, yes, Mom does have a "person" at the bank that she's known for years. I think she would be helpful since she knows my mother so well. After getting everything in place to be able to do so, that will be the first thing I try, thank you; it's heartening to hear that was a good option for you. And yes, we're getting her on autopay for her bills so she's not over paying or paying twice.

Victoria2020, thank you for the reminder that her acceptance of changes is a *bonus* not the *goal*. That is extremely helpful and I will definitely remember that.

And yes, as you both said, I'm realizing every day just how much she really is not in control of her finances or at least that she is not making the sound decisions of a reasonable person. I will be back at home in the fall. It's as fast as I can get down there (I live in a tiny apartment in a city in a different state so moving to her house is the better option in terms of being able to supervise, support, and aid her). So I'm making my peace with the fact that there are going to be some losses before I can get a handle on things and pray that she stays safe in the meantime. Again, thank you both so much. 

M1

LRB, while you certainly need the legal docs in place, I would go ahead and at least call the bank person now and tell them your concerns.  It probably won't be a surprise to them, and they may be able to think of ways to help before you actually physically get there.  There's no harm in at least initiating a conversation sooner rather than later.  I bet they already know and in fact will be glad to hear from you.  You can at least set the stage.  And if that person has some influence with your mom, they may be able to convince her to add you as a signatory, etc. without your having to suggest it.