Estranged mother with dementia

sleverett

My mother was very difficult for many years. She is affected by an alcoholic family, unresolved trauma, and possibly a personality disorder, and was very hard on me, including repeated specific patterns of harm over time. A few years ago, it was clear to her that she was becoming demented, and being in the healthcare industry, I agreed she had many warning signs. Two and a half years ago, she did something so abusive that I was beyond pain, emotionally speaking. 

On the one hand, counselors had been telling me for years to terminate my relationship with her, and this situation was terrifying and excruciating and involved putting others in harm's way. On the other hand, the situation involved a particularly intense episode of poor judgement and some repetitive behavior and extreme paranoia that made me think that dementia was playing a role. I left her with my wellbeing and that of my then-fiance in mind, while also being aware that the participation of my father and sister in shielding my mother from consequences meant that there was very little I could do to rectify this dangerous situation.

Since then, I've married and had a baby, and I persist in prioritizing the wellbeing of my immediate family. OTOH, I am aware that my mother is likely to decline, and that, given her severe unresolved trauma, her disease course with dementia is likely to be rough at best. In addition, I realize my father and sister are very likely to remain emotionally entangled with her BS in a way that may put her in harm's way, and very likely would result in my being asked to absorb more of the same abuse I've been taking from them all since my childhood.

The reality is that I just can't. I have no more care to give. I cannot accept any more risk. I feel numb and empty toward her. I have spent half of my expected lifespan in the grip of her abuse, and I just cannot take it any longer -- especially since any hope of things improving or even staying stable is gone.

And yet I feel bad for abandoning my ill, elderly parent. I called the care consultant and they said not to go to support groups because most people are in relationships with their loved ones and are not coping with a situation like mine. I understand that response but feel very alone.

The reality of dementia for me is that there will be no improvement, that my mother will never acknowledge what she did or how it hurt me, that she'll never be safe enough to meet my baby, that my kid doesn't have a grandmother. I think that kind of grief is common to a lot of dementia diagnoses. But I'm wondering if there is anyone else like me, whose LO, from long before the dementia, was the source of trauma, and whose situation is more about moral conflict than caregiving. 

M1

Welcome to the forum. There's a book you may know or want to know called "Toxic Parents." It helped me in dealing with some very difficult family dynamics. For various reasons I am estranged from my only brother and my extended family of origin, and when I cut off contact I had to think about what that meant for the future, even to the point of death.  I had to accept that if i needed them out of my life, then i was also going to be out of theirs, for good or ill.  But it was the right decision, then and now. Sounds like that's what you're struggling with.  I'm sorry.

Quilting brings calm

Welcome to the forum.   You are not alone.  In my case, I’m the only one of six siblings/ step siblings that have anything to do with my parents.  My step father was an abusive alcoholic who cashed his pay checks at the bar.  I understand why my siblings are estranged.  Although  I wish that they would help me, I get why they don’t.   I’m only here because I’m the only one here and someone has to be.  However- I draw the line before being a daily caregiver.  My parents  are in assisted living and when they run out of money, they will go wherever Medicaid is taken. I handle their finances, medical appointments, etc etc.  During the pandemic I shopped for their groceries and did all their outside errands. Dad still drives.  Their own doctor advised me to take a step back from visiting them unless I needed to- for much the same reasons as your counselor told you to cut off relationships. 

You are not abandoning her- she has your dad and  your sister.  What you can do is be a sounding  board for them and a support  for them.  Do they need an errand run that can be done without contact with her?  Do that.  Maybe  get your sister a small gift now and then- anything to  express your acknowledgment of what she is doing. A gift card to her favorite fast casual restaurant for example. You don’t have to expose yourself to the trauma that involves your mother that way- and no one  here is going to tell you that you should, 

mommyandme (m&m)

I think this support group might be very helpful for you. I’m sorry that although you shouldn’t have a relationship with mom and don’t want one…you do have one.  Sounds like from reading your post, the same applies to your dad and sister.  You and your immediate family’s well being is the most important thing.  Your wife and child need all of you.  If thinking what you “should” do for mom, dad and sis is taking away from you being all theirs, what you’ve worked so hard to accomplish, stop now.  Your mom has your sister and dad.  You’ve got to know your limits and mark your boundaries and hold fast to them.  

This is a safe place.  Keep sharing.  So sorry for your struggles now…and then! 

sleverett

Because my sister repeats many abusive, slanderous things my mother has said as though they are true and my father has repeatedly screamed at me (of his own accord and because my mother gave him false and inflammatory information), I cannot be around either of them safely either. It would be nice to give them a gift card or some other support, but it's just not the relationship that makes sense at this point. I wish you all the best with what you are doing and I hope someone is giving you the support you need.

sleverett

Hi, thank you for your reply. I actually have no relationship with my mother, father, and sister. I'm just resolving my own sadness that there's no going back safely and nothing more I can do, and I might not even attend any of their funerals, whenever they may occur. The finality of it is necessary and still very grim, despite the rest of my life clearly being very improved by their absence.