Second guessing(1)

MonicaG

I’ve posted before about my 79 year old mom with ALZ. I would put my mom at a stage 5. She had a knee replacement about 6 weeks ago. I have POA. She’s a widow and lived alone in a condo building. After the surgery, my sister and I got her into MC. We told her it was for PT. Then after a while, she was done with PT and wanted to go home. The director told us to tell her she has ALZ and can’t live alone, which of course is the truth. My mom is pretty healthy and her knee is fine now. However, she can’t drive, she can’t cook, she can’t remember to eat, she would just eat a lot of sweets, cookies, ice cream, she can’t do her medication, she can’t take care of bills or any administrative stuff. Basically she can go to the bathroom on her own and dress herself, but that’s it. My sister and I would do all the food shopping and medication management and anything that would come up, appointments, etc. We’ve been doing this for 2 years. I have 2 jobs and 2 teenagers and can’t run 2 households any longer. My sister and the director of the MC told her that she has ALZ and she needed to stay in MC. long story short, she was angry and still wants to go home, of course. My question is this: can you put somebody in MC too soon? I mean, do you wait for a disaster? I mean, now that she’s ambulating pretty good, it’s like she’s a little better. I’m just distraught and wondering if we put her there prematurely. I keep asking for a sign that we did the right thing. I hate myself right now. I guess, when is the right time?

Fairyland

There are no easy answers, sorry you are in this hard place.

I do wonder what sort of director of an MC thinks telling someone with Alzheimer’s that they have it and can never go home, is a good move? Most will not remember or believe the facts presented to them, but they will become angry and retain the bad emotions and blame the messenger. 

Trust your instincts, she is definitely a candidate for MC and you need to run you own family life.

M1

Monica: it is Not too soon. My partner is also stage 5 and went to MC four months ago after threatening me when I wouldn't let her drive. She also constantly wants to leave, though it's not clear she remembers where home is. she wants to go to Texas, which was her childhood home.

Your mother is safe and cared for. Don't second guess yourself. It courts disaster to consider anything but 24/7 supervision at this point. I have to tell myself this too.

abc123

Dear Monica, I am sorry that your mother has this disease. I hate any type of dementia. I lost my mother to alz. just 25 days ago. Please do not second guess your decision. I don't think very highly of the doctor. This is just my opinion and my feelings but I believe it is cruel to tell a person that they have alz disease and equally cruel to tell her she has to stay there. You know your mother much better than that doctor ever will. You know what she'll buy into and what she won't. I never had to deal with making the decision to place my mother in a MC BUT if my mother had been in the same situation as your mother, I would have made the hard choice and signed the admit forms. From what you mentioned I believe your mother definitely should be in a MC facility. If she can't remember to eat and can't remember to take her meds, she needs MC. There is nothing easy about this disease. Your mother is at the point of no longer being capable to live alone and take care of herself. There are so many things that could go south really fast if she were living alone at her house. Please read as many post here as possible everyday! Knowledge is power and you will need it more than ever before. You and your sister are now her parent and she is the child. It's now your job to protect her. It's all very hard and very sad. 

I am glad you found us. There are many wise and caring people here who have years of experience as hands on caregivers and there are also people like you who are just starting out with their own journey. There are seven stages to alz. I'm considered stage eight, My LO with alz has died but I'm going to stay on the boards in hopes that I might be able to help others. I'm also going to stay because of the love and support others give me. This forum has become like family to me and I am extremely grateful for each and everyone here. We support each other and respect each other. I would have never made it to the finish line without the people here. Welcome! I look forward  to getting to know you  better. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. This is the perfect place to rant and vent. Please keep us posted on you and your mother. Take good care of yourself.

Elshack

I too wonder about the director who told your mother she has Alz. For your sanity and the well being of your own family I would say keep your mom in MC. You can not assume total responsibility of her what with your own family to take care of. She obviously can not live alone. I don't think there is such a thing as putting a loved one in MC too early. If finances can allow it it is a good decision. Wishing you the best.

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ZackFootInMouth

MonicaG wrote:

My question is this: can you put somebody in MC too soon? I mean, do you wait for a disaster? I mean, now that she’s ambulating pretty good, it’s like she’s a little better. I’m just distraught and wondering if we put her there prematurely. I keep asking for a sign that we did the right thing. I hate myself right now. I guess, when is the right time?

I'm in the same sinking ship at the moment. Yes you hate yourself. That's just going to happen. To wax nihilistic for a moment, there's no right or wrong: you're preparing for the inevitable. Either professionals who are trained to handle the progress, or yourself to handle triage during a disaster.

But, and I don't know the answer to this very well myself, check up on how early you can prepare. My LO's GP has been adamant my LO was fine for the past two or three years despite my needling that they were showing signs of decline. Find a specialist. Somewhere somehow. You can hate yourself for sending them away too early or hate yourself for not preparing enough when disaster hits.

M1

FWIW:  telling her the truth, as they are suggesting, will also not make any difference.  Recently the young activities director at the MC asked me permission to have a "frank conversation" with my partner about why she was there and that this was going to be her home for the foreseeable future.  I told her that there had already been such conversations: every day for the last ten days of my partner's hosptialization the doctor told her she was going to memory care on his recommendation.  None of it stuck.  So that idea got dropped.

​fesk

MonicaG, I agree with everyone. It definitely doesn't sound too soon and that director gave you bad advice on how to handle. Hopefully, you can find an explanation that your mother will accept to buy you some time so she can adjust. Does she participate in any activities or talk with any of the other residents? Now that she can move about more easily, maybe those things will help her adjust.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this decision. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do, but you're ensuring her safety and that is the most important thing.

ENS

Monica and others,

This is my first forum review since recently joining this community. I picked the right one.,Monica’s story and all of your responses are pretty similar to what I am experiencing and feeling since placing my “more able mother” in MC on June 13 this year. Thank you all.

Hoot619

It's better to be too soon than to be too late.  I'm dealing with that now, when it started to be difficult that was when I should have placed her.  We can learn a lot form this forum. When they tell us what first has to be done, they have been there done that and if they haven't did it things can get worse.

1, Get a CELA, it will keep you out of the pitfalls that can happen. This has to happen before you place LO .  Don't make any financial changes, house property etc til you talk to the CELA.  The CELA  will help you get it done the right way,  They know the ins and out of Elder Care.

2.When your LO is first diagnosis with dementia they can help a lot.  Your loved at that time can still sign their name to help get this in order.    What I'm trying to say DON"T wait like I did.    I see my CELA Monday to get stuff signed, I'll know more after that. Hoot