Fine line between being respectful and being realistic

Isac · August 2022

My DH is at the stage where he can still remember some things and yet not others. So we have a Zoom meeting this week with some partners where we have to make some decisions. I told him about this meeting but I will be getting on at work so we won't be able to join the meeting together. We did a practice run tonight with my sister so he can join the meeting which he was able to do with some prompts. He and I made the decisions for this meeting together but he doesn't remember. Of course he accused me of making the decisions by myself. I sent him the notes on our decisions and now he wants to be in charge of relaying our decisions. I'm really stressing for several reasons: 1) he'll be stressed and confused getting in on the zoom call; 2) he won't be able to access the notes; 3) if he doesn't get on the call I'm dreading his reaction if and when he asks me about it. Bottom line is I'm wondering if I should have told him anything about the meeting. I want him to be involved as long as he can but I don't want to add stress and frustration anymore than necessary to our already overwhelmed lives. Your thoughts please.

Ed1937 · August 2022

My opinion only. Keeping them involved is good, as long as it doesn't produce negative effects (example: having them handle the finances, without a very strong watchful eye). When keeping them involved in anything will cause them to stress out, I think keeping them involved is not worth the risk. Eventually they will lose whatever benefit they could get out of being involved, if there actually is a benefit, so why stress them out? Do not pressure them to be involved.

M1 · August 2022

Isac, it is always tough to realize that this disease is progressive and that your LO can no longer do the things you are used to having them do. The very fact that you're asking the question of whether to include him in the meeting is likely the sign that you shouldn't. I think our natural tendency is to underestimate how advanced the dementia is. It is indeed a fine line, but I'd err on the side of realism.

amicrazytoo · August 2022

Isac,

This is a difficult one. Are the other partners aware of his situation? Are they able to include him without letting his judgement interfere with the best practices of the business? It would be great to let him be involved, but only with the partners having full knowledge of his capabilities. What is in the best interest of the entity, especially if it provides income for your household. If he is unable to contribute to the stability needed for his own good, then perhaps it's time to let some of his responsibilities be forgotten. Please don't take this as an assault on him, it's not meant that way. You need to take charge of what's best for your situation.

Rescue mom · August 2022

I would echo what Ed, and amicarzy, said. Sounds like a good chance he won’t remember what he needs to for this call to work….how important is it? Is it worth having him flounder in front of others, and/or being upset when things go wrong? Are the partners aware of his issues? Will they be helpful or understanding?

I’m not clear how involved you are in the business. But here’s my personal experience, not exactly the same, but still….my DH was senior partner/CEO at his firm. He complained about “being left out”, which I put mostly to his sensitivity/imagination.

Long story short, he did have problems at work, b/c Alzheimer’s, and they did leave him out, worked around him, because they didn’t know what to do. That caused its own problems and upsets, for months. I unfortunately found out much later, it would have been helpful to me if I’d known it was happening at work, too—not just “forgetfulness” at home. And his employees should not have had to deal with it like they did.

But also, if their work had had problems, with him involved while having issues, there could have been serious legal issues.