Newbie Here(1)

j3rangerx

Hello everyone!

I am new here and so lost in conflicting information and suggestions. My Wife's "Memory Doctor" suggested I come here and connect with people that are going through this or have been through a spouse diagnosed with moderate to severe Alzheimer's. I don't know where to even begin preparing. on the internet I find so many conflicting articles, combine accounts, dont combine accounts, living wills and trusts, powers of attorney.....I am just flabbergasted at the amount of information, much of it is a direct contradiction to the last article I read....

So I ask the experts here, any help is appreciated and I thank you all

Hoot619

1. Get a CELA , before you do anything else.  Others will chime in, it is very important. Hoot

Faith,Hope,Love

Welcome J3.  Sorry you have to be here, but you are in the right place.  I'm fairly new myself, but there are many here who can lead you and guide you in the right direction.  Do not be afraid to ask any questions you might have.  Everyone here is more than eager to share their experience and help you thru this.  Hoot is right, the first thing is to find a CELA (certified elder attorney) who can help you navigate all the financial things you'll need to consider.

Rescue mom

Yes on the CELA. The attorney is needed for things like DPOAs,trusts, living wills, etc. And remember, different states often have different laws. What you read online may work in some states, but not others.

But on a couple things you mentioned: the key thing on finances is that you have control—not her. So many here have lost thousands, hundreds of thousands, of dollars because the PWD gave it away, got scammed, bought useless/outrageous things, etc. 

A lawyer will help—and essential with more complex finances—but you can do some things yourself, especially early on, to help with that financial control at home. Credit cards often must be cancelled or taken away, checkbooks have to go away, or internet accounts blocked. If she misses a credit card, it often works to allow her a sample/expired/cancelled card. They usually don’t notice it’s no good.

Unpaid bills or taxes are also often a problem. The PWD often means or intends to pay them, but doesn’t. And bills and other paperwork often gets lost. I’d advise securing any important documents somewhere where the PWD can’t get them. 

That may mean you get control of the mail. Some get a PO Box, some make sure they get the mail first and put it away. Usually, out of sight, out of mind. If they don’t see a bill, or bank statement, they don’t think about it. Again, whatever method works for you.

Another thing you can do yourself (usually) while getting the lawyer, is make sure you are listed or cleared with all medical people to be informed of her medical issues. You usually need that “pre clearance” because of health privacy laws.

M1

welcome.  Certified elder law attorneys (CELA) can be found by location at nelf.org.  You'll need power of attorney, I guarantee you.  CELA can also help with wills and trusts, living wills, and financial assessment (thinking ahead to when you might need institutional care, be it that you can afford to pay privately or might need to qualify him for Medicaid).  Remember too that your own will etc. will need to be modified-someone besides him needs to hold your POA for finances and healthcare should something happen to you.  Sad but true.  Good luck.  Read a lot, there is much good information here and great support.  Look up Tam Cummings' stages of dementia too, it's a very helpful tool for ballparking where he is in the spectrum of illness.

Joe C.

J3, As others have stated seeing a CELA should be at the top of your list but my advice is to interview several attorneys as price can vary widely. In my area (MA), CELAs will give you a free 1 hour consultation then provide recommends based on your situation and the cost of preparing documents. I found the price could range from $1500 to $6000 to prepare the same documents.

Another piece of advice is to find a local caregivers support group in your area, you can search for one on the Alz. Assoc. main page. These groups are a great place to learn about local resources such as who is a good CELA and much more. These groups have been really helpful for me.

Ed1937

You have excellent advice above. The CELA needs to be consulted ASAP.

One other place where you can probably get local information is when you join nextdoor.com. I've seen many local helpful posts there.

Joydean

Hi J3 and welcome. The information others have stated is very good advice. My only suggestion is if your wife is in early stage, take time and do the things you and your wife enjoy while she still can. Don’t argue, don’t try correcting her, don’t say remember because she will get to the point she can’t. Be kind to yourself. Your life as well as your wife’s will be changing forever. There is no cure for dementia/Alzheimer’s. Take one day at a time. 

Prayers for you and your wife. 

rlpete

J3, 

An unfortunate welcome to you. The only thing I would add is to prepare yourself and find ways to care for yourself. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. We are now 4+ years living with my wife's mixed dementia. Watching the slow progress is painful. You won't necessarily notice the changes day to day but week to week you notice things that are now hard or impossible. I noticed in the past week she is now starting to struggle finding her way around the house. 

I can't remember what life was like when I wasn't thinking about dementia everyday and the what if's and what's next. It is all consuming. Find friends and relatives who can help. Find ways to relax yourself. Enjoy life as best as you both can. We still go to restaurants. My wife needs help getting to her seat as her vision has gotten very bad. She can usually manage to eat with only a little landing on the table but I don't care if there is a little mess. We both deserve the enjoyment. If she does leave a little bit of a mess, I'll just leave a bigger tip. We used to travel but we can't do that now but I've started renting condos at the shore within driving distance. Even if we just sit on the deck, it is a great respite for both of us to get away. I have no idea how long we will be able to do these things but for now we will keep doing them.

Good luck.      

Sligo177

Welcome J3,

Yup you are in the right place.  These friends on this forum are going through or have gone through so much, and when I am at my wit's end, I send a message and they help me out, every time.  The Elder Law Attorney is important, talking to that person about your particular situation is very important.  After that, everything else is important, too, but please always take care of you.

 We are all at different points in this really hard journey.  If you need to talk or need advice, we are here!