The loss is SO final!

sirbbrown

I'm new here - I joined after losing my father this July 4.  He suffered from Alz and multiple pulmonary health issues which is what ultimately took him.  In some sense, I consider us blessed because there was a lot of Alz left to run its course when he passed - he still knew who we all were and was able to communicate, but his decline in the last 6 months both physically and mentally were hard to comprehend.

This grief is still very raw and the descriptions I have heard of it coming in waves is pretty accurate, although there are some strong riptides that I didn't know to watch out for.   I think losing someone who suffered from Alz or other forms of dementia, is so unique because the person has been slowly slipping away.  So I find myself getting so sad about things I miss - his Sunday calls, the way he laughed and made everyone else laugh, the way he told stories, the way he loved a good meal with those he loved (and these just scratch the surface) - but I get confused because these are things we lost before he passed.  He forgot his weekly Sunday calls to me a few years ago, yet I find myself crying and longing for them again "Hey hon/darlin/sweetheart, how ya doin?  How are the kids? How is work going?"  He stopped being able to tell great stories, his humor (although this never left) changed and his eating/sleep habits were not at all like they used to be.

So I'm trying to understand why after all this time has passed am I just now crying about those Sunday calls?  The best thing I can come up with is what makes this so darn complex ... I recognized the loss of the calls a while ago, and I was sad but never cried (same thing for countless other 'things' that made him who he was), but maybe there was this unconcious hope that it might happen again, that he would have a good day and one of these 'things' might appear??  Does that make sense?  Now, he is gone it is just so final!  And it seems ridiculous to even say that (or type it) ... but it is just SO final.

Has anyone else experienced this or can you help me try to get my head around why these things keep popping up and bringing me to my knees?

toni2

You have only had a little time since your final loss. You had a little loss each day before that. The mind still remembers what you are missing, and it is still too raw for you to remember the good times and laugh again. It has been 3 years since I lost my DH and I still have times I cry. They sneak up on you when you don't expect it. 

Be patient with yourself. This disease is so nasty because it takes our loved ones a little at a time. Now is the time to take care of you. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Toni     

Sadlady

I understand exactly what you're saying: I have felt the same way. My DH passed 12 weeks ago, but I actually lost him years ago to FTD, and I've expected this outcome for so long. I was amazed that the grief has been so awful... I knew this was coming! I think for us it is because for many many months I have been busy 24/7 with caring for him and making sure I was doing everything possible to make life bearable for him, and I had no extra time to grieve the losses we were experiencing. Now that he's passed, I have nothing but time to think about my losses, so the grief is "catching up". I miss "US" from 10 years ago, who we were to each other: best friend, partner, confidante, DH. The loss is huge.

Ed1937

Sirbbrown, I'm sorry for your loss. My wife passed two months ago, and like your father, she did not die from dementia. She had massive internal bleeding. So she didn't have to endure stage 7. I put her in stage 5/6.

I think of all the things she accomplished, and I'm very proud of her. She also had a good sense of humor, and loved her family. When I think of these things, it's hard to imagine I will never get to hold her again, or see her. I understand where you're coming from. It's hard.

Sunshine days

Hello and welcome sirbbrown, 

First off, I absolutely love your profile picture.

Secondly, I am very sorry for the recent loss of your dear father.

 I lost my sweet mama just over a year ago and I totally relate to what you are saying and feeling. I was rather blindsided honestly, by the degree and tenacity of the grief I have experienced since she passed away. 

I think, in retrospect, even though I was of course saddened at the time by the ever encroaching decline in her mental status and quality of life, I wasn't able to take the time to grieve it sufficiently as it was happening, and once she passed away it hit me pretty hard. I have definitely made progress in my grief journey over the past year, but it has been a much harder and slower one than I ever would have imagined. My advice is just go with it, embrace your feelings, they are telling you something important that needs to be acknowledged to move forward. Don't be too hard on yourself or expect too much too soon.  One day at a time as the saying goes.... God bless. 

abc123

Please accept my condolences in the loss of your father. Tomorrow will be a month that I lost my mother to alzheimer's disease. She was in stage 7. I understand what you are going through. I am not doing well. There are two versions of my mother and I miss both of them. I seem to be bouncing back and forth to the real her and the alz. her. Dementia of any type is horrible. I get so angry that my mother had to endure it as did her mother. I am thankful for the memories I have of her, before and after alzheimer's.

sirbbrown

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.  'Sadlady' & 'Sunshine days' you both touched on also being surprised at the grief despite knowing it was coming and related it to not being able to take the time as the little losses happened along the way.  I completely agree and believe this could be the case for me!  I live about 5 hours away from my parents, so I didn't have the day-to-day care.  I supported my mom who was the daily caregiver and fielded all of the medical questions/issues since I am a nurse.  My day-to-day life with 2 young boys and working full-time is a baseline of busy.  My daily life alone kept me too busy to really accept and grieve those incremental losses.  I also wonder how much of it, for me, was the denial stage and of grief ... I would notice the changes but it was easy to stay in my nurse-brain and think about the medical components, while not truly accepting & greiving the losses as a daughter.  It was easier that way, or so it seemed at the time.  One thing I am learning - grief will find you!  The old "you can run but you can't hide" seems an appropriate way to describe this grief process.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone and where you are with your journey.

Jude4037

I lost my dear husband in Feb of 22 and I thought my grief wouldn’t be so hard since I had lost who he was several years ago. He did not resemble himself in body, mind or spirit. And for the first month I was fine. Relieved to know he was at peace not angry all the time not falling and at the end not a living skeleton. But then it hit me I missed who he was before. I had hardly gone a day without shedding tears the last year and that was gone. I didn’t have to see him disappearing. That was gone. But now it’s the quirky things couples do. Going places we enjoyed, playing songs we liked, even a drive to somewhere I hadn’t gone to since he’d been unable to brings me to my knees. And guilt. Lots of guilt. Maybe I should have fought harder to keep him home even though he was a danger to himself by falling and taking off walking in the middle of the night. Then when he got medication to keep him physically safer he slept too much and got Covid. By the time I was able to get him home again he was bed ridden. I should have done it sooner. My head tells me I did all I could but my heart tells me I should have tried harder. I have several friends who have lost husbands who had long illnesses and they all have the guilt , so I think it has to worked through. Grief is hard and most of us can carry on doing things we have always done but it takes much longer for us to be comfortable in the quiet times? I have always been a very strong person so it surprises me when the waves come. But I know they will weaken but they will always come…..the price of love I guess . It has helped me to share with people who have traveled this road.