Mixed messages from medical staff
Kids came from out of state a few days ago to take care of the POA. Their dad refused to sign the papers. Attorney says guardianship is the next step.
The visit was very stressful for him. His daughter is argumentative and doesn't understand his limitations.
Yesterday, FDBF got mad at me for helping give his address to the insurance company over speakerphone.
Later in the day, I had to make a quick trip to the dentist and then pick up a few groceries.
I have surveillance cameras all over the house so I can watch him.
While I was gone, he moved all of his clothes and belongings into his travel trailer. Travel trailer has no electricity or running water. He refused dinner (but accepted his pills & beverages) He slept in his travel trailer over night and spent most of the morning outside. He refused breakfast, but accepted his pills.
I called his Neurologist but she was out of town until next month. I was transfered to her medical assistant. Her assistant said if his dementia is severe (like when he attempted to cook hotdogs on a paper plate over a gas stove) then take him to the hospital for an assessment and they would likely put him in a facility.
She said she has noticed him declining significantly over his past Dr. visits and recommended having him assessed TODAY. She said to be sure to say, "a danger to himself and others" . She told me to have his kids call her on her direct line and she would explain the situation - that he may have to go into a facility if he is deemed to be a danger to himself or others. She said cooking hotdogs on a paper plate over a gas stove is a danger to himself or others because he could start a fire.
I planned to take DBF to the hospital for the assessment but his kids didn't respond to my texts or calls until later this afternoon.
The medical assistant told the kids his assessment can wait until his upcoming appointment in November and recommend they have Visiting Angels help me out in the meantime.
What the heck?!
I called her back. She didn't understand why I had a problem with what she told the kids.
Comments
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Wilted…. you can’t keep him safe anymore. In a way, it’s good that he’s moved to the travel trailer. Tell his kids to hitch up that travel trailer to a rental Uhaul and take him home. They can make up an excuse such as moving it to a campground with electricity and water. Then they just keep driving. He may not notice how long the drive is taking
He may very well need to go into a facility but you have no way to get him into one since you are not his next of kin and gave no POA. Plus, he needs a facility in his children’s locale.
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What the heck, indeed. As harsh as this sounds, I'd tell the kids that he's packed up his trailer and is ready to go. They need to hitch it up and take him home with them because he clearly doesn't want to stay with you, They should have no trouble getting a November appointment with a neurologist where they live. This is not going to end well for you. Once they discover the cost and effort of getting Guardianship, it's unlikely they will follow through. They don't have to. They pretty much have you pegged to take care of Dad if they walk away.
BTW - do you really hold out hope that a Visiting Angels caregiver has a chance of being accepted by your BF? Given what you've detailed about his behavior, I think that's doubtful. What's your Plan B if you're left to take care of him alone for 3 more months of cognitive decline? What's your next move?
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I have a medical POA.
From what I understand, guardianship is required to move someone against their will.
The travel trailer needs new tires before making a long trip.
If he does get bad again, at least I know I can take him to the hospital and they can assess him and set up care for him from there on, with or without his kids.
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Wilted wrote:How will you pay for this hospital care? Who is in charge of the finances?
If he does get bad again, at least I know I can take him to the hospital and they can assess him and set up care for him from there on, with or without his kids.
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Our finances and assets are completely separate.
His doctor and his medical assistant said that if his dementia gets serious, take him to the hospital where he will be assessed and likely put into a facility and his kids would likely get guardianship.
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They need to do that then. Now. Not waiting till November.0
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He's on the Neurologist's cancelation list for the next available appointment for an assessment.
There are a couple of people on the list ahead of him.
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If he is living in his travel trailer, he is not supervised and he is not safe.
What is the neurologist going to do about that? Nothing. They can't help.
The children need to be contacted this weekend and told it's time for them to take over.0 -
Wilted wrote:You understand that if he needs Medicaid help from the state to pay for his care that there is no such thing as completely separate? Please see a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) as soon as possible.
Our finances and assets are completely separate.
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The kids won't respond to my calls or texts.0
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Wilted wrote:I’m sure that’s not an accident. If I were you, I would make an appointment with a CELA ASAP to see what legal position you and your assets are in. You were living together and there are some circumstances where “household income” is a factor.The kids won't respond to my calls or texts.0
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Like I said before, the kids have you figured out. Now that they know the personal and financial burden of assuming responsibility for their father, they've dumped this back in your lap. The ball is solidly in your court. You've received impartial professional advice from his doctor and medical assistant. For your BF's sake and you own, take it. It appears to me that his children are the only ones with the moral and legal obligation to care for your BF. If they choose to shirk that responsibility, then the State will need to step in to become his guardian.
"His doctor and his medical assistant said that if his dementia gets serious, take him to the hospital where he will be assessed and likely put into a facility and his kids would likely get guardianship."
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The attorney would have to answer that question based on state rules. I’m saying that one cannot necessarily say “our finances are separate” and rest easy on that. The OP absolutely needs to get an expert opinion here as quickly as possible.0
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The doctor can evaluate him tomorrow!
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Thar will be the news you’ve been waiting for. Make sure you get everything from doctor in writing to show to his kids. Is he still in his trailer? When are his kids coming to get him?
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He's been hanging out in his shop or weeding by his travel trailer in the mornings, then he comes in to watch TV in the afternoons. He only spent the the one night in the travel trailer. I don't think he was very comfortable.
The kids have still not responded. I'll give them an update after the appointment and see if they respond then.
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Kids had gone on a camping trip in the mountains. They just got back and are continuing to pursue guardianship and setting up help for me.
The paperwork from the Dr necessary for guardianship will arrive shortly.
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You need to have a frank discussion with the kids about you hanging from a trapeze with no safety net. They need to understand that once they hold Guardianship for their dad, they cannot be incommunicado like this. In an emergency, medical responders are very limited in what then can do to treat a person who cannot give consent. And, you, are not legally able to provide it, either. Going forward, they need to make sure that they are available by text or phone call, day or night, and a promise they will respond without delay. When your BF runs off the rails - and he will - they don't have the option of ignoring the situation That's implied in any legal Guardianship. This behavior needs to be stopped in it's tracks or you should insist they take custody of his daily care - not just for your sake, but for his welfare.0
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Dementia + medical professionals = Dementia.
I have found the medical community to be anywhere from sympathetic to useless when it comes to treating my wife's dementia. The hard truth is that it is a steadily worsening condition for which there is no cure, no reversal, no nothing.
Forgive me for my jadedness, but seven years into it, I am in caregiver survival mode.
Even Medicare does not consider it a real "illness," since they do not cover care for it. They call it "custodial" care, which is basically a get-out-jail-free card for Medicare. Too bad for dementia patients, too bad for caregivers.
Alzheimer's (and dementia in general) is called "the long goodbye." I have found that to be true for us caregivers, family, friends, and the medical community in general.
They all wave "goodbye" to you and your loved one with dementia.
We are on our own.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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