Where Am I?(1)

White Crane

That's what DH asked me yesterday afternoon.  We were sitting in the living room when he said he wanted to tell me what was happening to him.  He pointed to his head and said he was blocked; he couldn't remember things.  He said he was having trouble recognizing people and know who they are.  I nodded and let him continue talking.  He said he knew he couldn't drive anymore or ride a bicycle or go for walks on his own.  Then he asked me, "Where am I?"  I told him I understood and knew he was having trouble and that it wasn't his fault.  I told him he had a disease that caused him not to remember.  He said yes but, "Where am I?"  At that point, I began to understand what he was really asking.  Where was he in the disease progression.  After thinking how to respond, I told him he was not in the very early stages anymore and not yet in the late stages.  "Am I in the middle?"  Hmm, I told him he was in the last part of the early stages and reminded him of everything he could still do...dress himself, take a shower on his own, feed himself, etc.  Next he asked if I was going to put him in a home anytime soon.  No, I told him I have no plans to put him in a home anytime soon and I wanted him to stay with me.  He said he wanted that too but was worried I would put him in a home.  I told him he would stay here with me unless there came a time when I could not physically take care of him.  That seemed to satisfy him.  I got up then an went into the kitchen to fix us some supper.  He followed and sat down.  A few minutes later he said something that really got to me..."You'll know when it's time."  I just nodded.  The whole conversation was strange.  He was quite lucid and serious and seemed to understand he was changing.  And I felt rather detached and numb.  Curious and sad but in a way I am glad we could talk about it.  And it touched me deeply when he said I would know when it was time.

Brenda

Ed1937

I'm so sorry, Brenda. Even though it might have been good to have a lucid conversation, I know it tore your heart apart.