When/how to stop them from driving

Jella417

My DH was recently diagnosed with ES AD. The doc said to look for problems with cooking, driving, and getting lost or disoriented as signs for the transition into the middle phase. The doc said this could be in as early as a year. DH still cooks and remembers to turn the electric (thank god) burner off, can follow a recipe, can drive without making any errors (I watch so carefully), and gets around town fine. I mean obviously I will stop him immediately if I see ANY sign of any of these second stage markers. I am trying to be proactive.

So my question is when is the time to tell him he can no longer drive? I don’t want to take everything away from him too early and I also don’t want to wait too long and have him be a danger to himself or others. Stopping him from driving will be the hardest part for him and the hardest on me. He’ll be so angry. He’ll never forgive me until he forgets. 

That brings me to advice on how. I have already mentioned to him that one day he’ll no longer be able to drive. That was pretty much right away when we were processing the diagnosis. Since then he of course has anosognosia and his narrative is that I am the one who thinks he has some dementia, but of course he’s fine “just need to write things down” (loses his lists). So is there any benefit to easing him into it, like by saying “in a week or month you will have to stop driving”? He probably won’t remember this. Or do I just say “today you are done driving” (much nicer of course) and take his keys away? Then quick sell his car and suspend his license so he doesn’t drive while I’m at work??? 

I am dreading this day. I appreciate your help in advance. 

Faith,Hope,Love

I think driving is a tough one for everybody.  I was told by my attorney that as soon as DH has the diagnosis of dementia to make him stop driving.  The attorney said that if he ever got into an accident and it was discovered he had been diagnosed with dementia that we would get sued and probably lose everything.

In our case, DH had done most of the driving.  I started by saying that I'd like to drive a little bit since I didn't want to lose my driving skills.  Then, whenever we went somewhere, I'd just go to the driver's side of the car and hop in first.  He's to the point now that he doesn't even ask to drive.

But we do have a regular situation where he has audio hallucinations and thinks God is telling him to get the keys and go to the store because they are giving away all kinds of free stuff.  So, I keep the keys hidden that way he can't get to them.  I usually just tell him that I gave them to him, and he'll look for them for a little while then give up.  Since he also has his own vehicle, I unhooked the battery cables, so his truck won't start.  You'll learn to come up with your own fiblets and get creatively sneaky.

60 falcon

There are no easy answers.  For my wife, she confessed to me that she couldn't find her way home in our tiny little town.  It scared her when she drove past our road several times and didn't know to turn there.  It scared her enough that she pretty much didn't want to drive anymore. This happened early on for her, a full year even before a formal diagnosis of EOAD.  That's when I took the keys and it wasn't a big deal.  She did get upset off an on for a couple years.

My take away from that is you may not  have as big of a problem as you might fear.  That goes with many of the challenges that are headed your way.  Each person with dementia is different and not everyone is going to have all of the same issues/symptoms. 

Being available and willing to drive him places will help to keep him from feeling trapped at home.  Suspending his license isn't going to prevent him from driving. I don't see a need to make that a priority though when my wife's license was expiring I got her a state ID instead. Not related to your question but similar is the issue of firearms.  If there are guns in the house they need to be inaccessible to him or sold, etc. There's simply some things that person's with dementia cannot be allowed to do or have.  The risks to themselves or others is too great.

M1

Jella, a temporary and not perfect solution would be to have him do a formal driving assessment if there's somewhere near you that does those.  Go ahead and sign up now--there's a long waiting list (we never made it), and it probably will require a referral from your doctor.  That puts the onus on someone else.  You may have to do it every year.

This is a big issue for almost everybody.  It was the issue that put us in memory care--when well into stage 5 and not having driven for over a year, my partner threatened to come after me with a knife when I wouldn't give her the truck keys (we live on a farm so I couldn't disable it).  So you're right to be concerned, it's not easy.

Norm 22

DW had testing by a PhD before the neurologist when she was told not to drive because of the potential impact of the dementia (AD) on her driving.  If your husband was tested and told not to drive, he would need to stop or potential issues with automobile liability insurance could exist.  Consider if you want to take him to a lawyer, let someone else take the blame.

Ed1937

You have some excellent answers above. There is a 3 part series video online. Here is the first link. SIGNS YOUR LOVED ONE WITH DEMENTIA  IS NOT SAFE TO DRIVE 

Kevcoy

My take on this is, if you are asking yourself if it is time to have him not drive then it is time to have him not drive.  I know it is nice to have other opinions but I truly believe deep down you know the answer.

Ed1937

Sorry, but I didn't find the second link. Here is the third one, and maybe the most important for you. How to stop your loved one with dementia from driving 

Berryette

I have used the "doctor said you can't drive anymore"  each time.  DH gets angry and says I am making this sh*t up.  But until last week- I have been able to keep him from behind the wheel.  We needed to take something to the dump.  We live in a small town and I was going with- so I thought - choose your battles and let him drive.  He drove about 5 miles an hour as he couldnt remember how to get to the dump and kept trying to remember without saying anything.  Finally, he had to ask me.  The same thing happened on the way home.  So- if there was any doubt in my mind that he should not be driving- it was answered that day!

Rescue mom

The thing about driving is that they may seem fine—until they are not.

My DH seemed fine, until he was brought home by cops, in tears.  He did not know where he was, where he was going, or why he was in the car. In fact, he was going to his doctor, 2 miles away, easy roads and place he’d gone 40 years.

Last Christmas news was full with a woman driving wrong way down one-way street. She died, she killed another, and put 2 others in hospital. Her family was on news for days, sobbing about how the store she was headed to was only a half-mile away,”, “she went there all the time with no trouble,” “she said she was careful”, “that’s all she did,” etc etc.

Because we are a retirement area, and it’s a problem,  there is regular news of wrecks caused by drivers with dementia. It’s always so sad, always fams knew there was a problem, but continued. Yes, it’s horribly hard to make them stop.

Be aware that many insurances will be void/not pay if the driver has  been Dxed. Plus lawsuits,regardless of legal fault—just driving with dementia is enough. There are lawyers who comb accident records looking for such cases to sue. Judges and juries have little sympathy. You can lose everything. The PWD isn’t always able to comprehend that, though.

CStrope

I agree with all of the other answers.  I just started taking over the driving as a way for him to get used to not driving.  Then, when I wanted to make sure he understood why I didn't want him to drive, I emphasized the financial aspects of it.  That was something he could relate to, a tangible reason.  I just continually told DH that if he got in any accident, big or small, we would be sued and it could cost us.  That seemed to be the best answer for our situation.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Paris20

There was no way that my husband would agree to no longer driving. He argued with me and his neurologist for far too long. I realized I had to work around it. I hid his keys, kept mine in an inaccessible place for him, and always made sure I got behind the wheel first, casually saying that I just felt like driving. If he asked me where his keys were I said I’d find them when we get home. He never remembered any of these conversations from day to day so for me it worked. 

Don’t wait too long. For me, two scary things happened. First, my husband missed a turn onto a highway we’d taken countless times. Then, a couple of months later while he was driving alone, he entered an intersection after a stop sign, never seeing the car that had the right of way coming toward him. No one was hurt but I vowed then and there to do whatever was necessary to stop his driving. I shudder to think what could have happened at that intersection.

JJAz

Keep in mind that you are risking all of your assets by letting him continue to drive.  If he is in an accident and there is a significant lawsuit, the insurance might try to deny you coverage, saying that this was a foreseeable situation, and you should not have allowed him to drive.  Further, the claimant might claim punitive damages (significant) by saying the same thing.  It's not worth taking risks.  It's time for him to stop driving.  We all have to go through this, and it sucks.

Jella417

Thank for for all the replies. I do still really believe he is okay to drive. I watch everything. The doctor said he is not at the point where he cannot drive yet but that will be next. That is why I asked about when. It sounds like when is now. I hear you all about the lawsuits and even worse the guilt I will feel if anything happens to him or anyone else. He will not take it well he is not far gone enough that he will forget or can be distracted. He will be angry and resentful. He was irate at the thought that he wouldn’t be able to drive one day. He doesn’t accept it. I know I need to do the hard things.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Dio

I'm battling this one almost daily. DH thinks his liberty and independence have been taken away, that he can't leave the house cuz he isn't allowed to drive. I get it. I do. But there's no way I will allow him to hurt an innocent person should the disease attack while he's driving. He doesn't even know what day of the week it is, so it's always questionable to him to be in the carpool express lane or not. He made a couple rash moves that were quite reckless, for no reason, so that was the end of driving for him. I'm not waiting for that accident to happen.

I don't know about other states, but here in California, I read somewhere that if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, the doctor is supposed to report it to the public health dept who in turn will report it to DMV. I don't know if it's clearly stated in the law. I wonder how many doctors actually have followed this rule.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.