Downsizing and moving out of state--need suggestions please

Laurie1282

I have recently come to the conclusion that we can no longer remain in our big old house on an acre lot in Nebraska.  We need to move to our second home in Florida to be close to our son and his family (more help for me when the time comes). My husband has mild/moderate Alzheimer's.

I know I cannot try to convince him or reason with him about why we need to sell.  I have to do it with or without his cooperation.  I do have his signed POA so I won't need his approval. 

My question is what advice or suggestions have you found to make this process easier? Do you have any tips about how to make our new home more inviting for him? How about ways to get him "involved" in a small way with people in the community besides church?

Thank you all so much!

[Deleted User]

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Ed1937

Please take Victoria's post to heart. From what has been posted here, Florida might be the worst state to actually get help when you need it most.

June45

Ed1937 wrote:

Please take Victoria's post to heart. From what has been posted here, Florida might be the worst state to actually get help when you need it most.

Please don't bash Florida unless you have lived here. Yes, a certain forum member whom I believe has political motivations will frequently posts negative remarks about Florida.  I have lived in Florida for 3 decades, but I have also lived in 6 other states over my life.  Florida is overall a good state to live in.  Is it perfect? No, but there is no perfect state.  By the way Laurie, you will be able to homestead your second home when you move here and your property taxes will be much lower, and as you probably already know, you won't have to file state income tax.  I think you are making a smart decision to move here to be close to family.

Pam BH

Laurie, I think you have a good plan and it will be help that really helps. I do think a meeting with a Florida CELA would be beneficial to know what the regulations are in another state. On another site I agreed with Charlie's idea for a smooth transition.

harshedbuzz

Laurie-

A couple of thoughts-

Have you discussed your expectations with your son and his family? Even if they volunteered, do they understand the sort of help a PWD might need in terms of toileting? supervision? respite for you? or stepping in 24/7 if you become injured or sick? Or are they thinking maybe an occasional trip to Publix or the odd home maintenance? Are they in a position to help or are they busy with careers and active parenting?

Others have cautioned about Florida as a less than ideal place to be old and in need of services unless you have the assets to fund care. Depending on the part of the state, you may find the health care not up to a standard to which you might be accustomed. FTR, I moved my parents out of FL.

In terms of the actual move, it is best to hire out as much as you can and complete the transaction behind your DH's back. Since you already have a home there, this should be relatively easy.

Head to FL for the season and do the sale long distance. A good real estate agent can oversee this for you. When I did the sale of my parents' place in MD I did go down there a few times to oversee the moving of household items to their new apartment and to deliver the actual settlement papers ahead of the sale. I could have sent them FedEx but needed to go to MD to close some bank accounts and a safe deposit box so I hand delivered it.

When I sold the place in FL, I only went down once and packed a PODS to be shipped to their new house in PA. I also had one of their cars shipped north as well. If your son and his family wish to help, this would be a great project for them packing up the things you'll want in FL and donating/selling the rest. I also moved them from an apartment to new home here; I set them up in a hotel for the weekend while I supervised movers and family to make the place entirely livable for them. 

With both sales, the title company took procession of the original copies of dad's POA (and mom's in FL where I signed for both) in order to be able to provide a clear title. We got it back about a month later-- make sure you have a copy in case you need one for some reason)

Once in FL permanently, you will likely need a therapeutic fiblet to explain while you aren't returning to Nebraska. It could be that there's sewer line work being done and the house isn't habitable right now, or that a FL doctor is treating you for something minor and you need to stay for follow up appointments, or perhaps you're helping your son by being local. You know your DH best and what might work in your situation.

IME with my parents, some of the 55+ communities in FL are fairly easy places in which to create a social network (much easier than their golf course community in MD or the lovely 55+ where mom lives now) but a lot of that will depend on how your husband presents. If his dementia is still on the mild/early moderate end of things, you could likely join clubs and meet people at the pool, pickleball court or golf. If he's more impaired or unfiltered, he's less likely to be included. When my parents initially started spending winters in FL, dad was clearly in the mild stage and they had a pretty good social life. Over time, with disease progression dad became less filtered and could be belligerent and they were unceremoniously dropped by some folks. My mom was able to maintain some friendships among the widowed and single ladies and dad was still included in the neighborhood happy hour where I think they just thought he was over-served. 

Good luck.

Jo C.

Off with PV Hat .. . . no one is saying that Florida is not a beautiful place to live with so many wonderful things to do and a beautful climate. It is a lovely state.

However; that being said, it is not one person mentioning the deep problems Florida has in being able to access elder care; many Members over time have come to share their severe problems and failures in accessing care for their LOs in Florida including horrendous waits for services; especially in trying to access placement, which even prior to COVID has been a serious issue. Forbes Magazine in fact published an article, "Florida, Worst State For Long Term Care,"  They are not the only ones to put this problem issue in print.  I am willing to bet that Florida is working on this; at least, I would hope.

There has been some good input from others here regarding making a move and it is helpful to consider the suggestions.  You need to do what is best for you and your LO and only you will know what that specifically is.

I do agree that it would serve you best to make an appointment asap with a Florida CELA.  It will be critical in avoiding mistakes and set you up as best can for the future

I think if you can make the move without having to sell the primary home while he is present would make it a bit easier, and then when the primary home is put up for sale, he would hopefully have already adapted well to your Florida home.  If you must sell your primary home before making a move that then becomes a different dynamic and it may well be that it cannot be done without some upset or even downright refusal which will have to be worked through and it can be. 

If he has a love of your son and his family, getting their cooperation in having him nearby and being able to visit and see the grandchildren and meet for meals, especially in the beginning may help to orient him to the pleasures of the change. Bringing all of his favorite things - his special chair, his pictures and other favorites, and make them part of the new home may be helpful. The familiar can be comforting.

I do not know how old your husband is, or what his hobbies or interests have been, but whatever they are, perhaps getting him a bit involved bit by bit, or even going to a senior center along with you for activity would be helpful.  And yes; church can be helpful for meeting people and gaining socialization.  Going out to eat or have visitors in from folks you meet at church or new neighbors, etc. All geared to socialization IF he is up to it and enjoys that sort of thing.  Sometimes just going and sitting by the ocean before or after a nice breakfast or lunch, or making a picnic; all goes into orienting to the new place in bits and pieces. (Imagine; no snow shoveling come winter!) Making the new home as comfortable a  haven as possible would also add to comfort and lessen anxiety.  NOTE:   May have to go a bit slow with new outreach at first so as not to overload him.

Be sure, first thing or in advance, to have him and yourself affiliated and seen with a good primary care doctor; best to choose one Board Certified in Internal Medicine, and also, as soon as possible as there are often lengthy waiting lists, get him affiliated and seen with a dementia specialist which can be SO important for when the condition evolves.  If established with a specialist getting later appointments will be a little bit easier.

Don't forget to make it pleasing for yourself too, after all, you will be managing all of this and you also count. This is a very big deal for both of you.

Let us know how it is going; I wish you the very best as you move forward,

J.

MaryG123

Well, moving is hell in the best of times, this from someone who’s done it many many times.  But the thing is, I’ve never regretted making the change, whether by choice or due to circumstances.  We downsized from a farm in WI to a few acres in upstate NY, to a cottage in NW Florida.  You’ll get through it and will make new friends.  Your DH will progress and struggle wherever you are, so doing what will support you in the long run is a good plan.  

Selling the house in NE after going to FL is a good idea, and easily done from a distance.  You don’t have to be present even for the closing.  My husband still enjoys activities at the senior center, lunch out, walking, bicycling, kayaking, and playing board games.  As far as making friends, that’s really not in the picture anymore, but I share my friends, who know his issues, and that’s enough.  We both love being outside nine months of the year!

Rescue mom

I also recommend getting with a Florida CELA asap. Florida laws differ  in many elder and financial issues. Many newcomers have been shocked at costs of things like real estate, utilities, water, and property insurance. Not paying a state income tax is a huge help, but there are still significant other costs.

I moved my own family here, a lot of legal and financial matters had to be re-done for FL law, and a lot of  “fees” (nobody ever says the T-word!) involving things I did not expect. . But it’s certainly doable.

I’ve lived here more than 3 decades, and I’ve written before about the difficulties in qualifying for Medicaid, followed by the problem of finding available services once qualified. Florida ranks near or at the bottom, of states in providing services for elders, in many reports by AARP and others. I don’t think that’s bashing, that’s just a fact that may be important to some. If not, ignore it.

Being near family is a huge plus; and many obviously like no snow! And beaches! Yes, we have hurricanes, but depends on where you live. 

 Florida is a big state, and like several small states in one. The demographics, and costs, are incredibly varied from region to region. One area is like NYC, another like the Midwest, one is like one big military base; another like South America….and the standard joke about north Florida being more “southern” than South Florida, is true.

Because there are so many newcomers, I think it’s relatively easy to find and make new friends, especially in retirement communities. HBuzz made good points on that.

ThisLife

My DS lives in FL and wanted us to move here to be closer so it's easier for him to help with his dad. We lived in NV which I loved. At least you won't have the shock of what I consider horrible weather. 

Anyhow, DS was log on promises and extremely short on delivery. In all fairness they have extremely busy lives, and DS is a VP of a large construction firm. 

I didn't have an extensive support system in NV. But I had many friends and a social life. Right before Covid hit I was looking at MC for my H. Now I'm here with H in Alzheimer's world. I wish I had downsized in place and still had a life.