Get'er done but baby steps

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Just wanted to pop on and say a few things.

First of all, many many thanks to everyone who has given me support and suggestions in the last few months I've been a member here. I'm glad for your input always. I hope you're doing as well as able.

Second, we've got a caregiver in for the days that I'm tending for mom. It's been a huge relief. The first day wasn't great but not bad and all other days have gotten better as we all got used to each other. The caregiver is going to be out for over a month for surgery starting next week. I'm not sure if we should get someone to cover or not, I'm not really interested in trying to introduce mom to another whole new person. However I'm also not too thrilled to pushing myself going solo.

Third, I have gotten contact information for finding a new pcp for myself. I've yet to reach out to her but I've got a lead. I think I have some medical issues cropping up that I will need addressed soon (yikes!). Just nervous since I'm choosing to be open as a trans person to doctors for the first time and I have unaddressed medical trauma.

Fourth, I made a little headway in talking with my dad. He blew up at me last night and we didn't get anywhere but this morning he said something insightful. He says he feels he's losing mom if other people come in to care for her. I wasn't able to talk to him about that further since I was busy trying to care for mom and have a decent breakfast for myself (I didn't). I want to be able to tell him that he's not losing mom to extra help, dementia is doing it, and that the extra help would allow him to be there for her as her husband and not her nanny. Sometimes I ask him if he could help with mom and his response at times is "no, I want to do my own thing." Having more help, help that he did say at one point he wanted, would give him more time for his own things but I'm not sure how to convey that to him.

Fifth and final, dad is starting to show more concerning behaviors. Today, for one, he suddenly left in the middle of his doctor's appointment and one of the nurses started calling around frantically trying to find him. Turns out he left and went to work because he thought they were done when they were switching between nurses/tasks. I've got a fiblet ready to use to ask him who his neurologist is and to get information to them about the behaviors I've been noticing. After this morning I am feeling the pressure of getting it done.

I'm just so anxious and tense all the time and haven't been sleeping well for the past month because I think about mom a lot and she inexplicably stresses me out and I'm always up checking on her and dad whenever I hear the slightest noise at night. I've started wishing death upon people who irritate me, under my breath so far but I've come very close to physically verbalizing it. I'm also still losing weight, which is slightly concerning because I have been eating better when the aide for mom has been here.

That's all. Thank you ((hugs))

GothicGremlin

Hey there Cats --

It sounds like you have heck of a lot on your plate right now, none of it easy.  But I also think that you're right - you're making incremental baby steps all in the right direction.

When my sister Peggy was still at home, I had a couple of caregivers come in to help me out. They were lifesavers. At first Peggy wanted nothing to do with them ("I don't need to be minded," says Peggy, but of course she did need someone there).  I told Peggy that they weren't there to mind her, they were there so she'd have someone there to talk to and do puzzles with besides me and my  brother (who had mentally already checked out). Peggy accepted that, and it worked out so well.  I really could go back to being Peggy's sister, and not her caregiver (mostly).  That's my long winded way of validating your dad, and your thoughts on your parent's relationship. Having someone else there helped to dial down the stress.

I'm glad you're in the process of finding a new pcp. I'm sorry about the past medical trauma. Several of my trans friends have told me about their past medical traumas - again, very, very difficult and demoralizing.  I know it doesn't always happen, but for what it's worth, my friends all eventually found the right doctors, and the medical trauma seems mostly behind them now.

SusanB-dil

Hi CatsWHAT - Agree with GothicG, you are dealing with a lot!  I'm glad you are getting some help with Mom and it is working out.  Also good that you realize you need someone, so hope this pcp works out for you!

It also sounds like Dad is beginning to see the bigger picture, and as time goes, hopefully will be more accepting of the assistance.  I do wonder if his concerning behavior is more stress-related than other things. 

mommyandme (m&m)

If it was me Id definitely get another caregiver in for the month.  If nothing else, one more person that gets to know you all who you might call on.  Your mom got used to someone as your dad kind of did, they can do it again.  I don’t like having to train a newbie each time we need a substitute but it beats me losing myself some more to the never ending caregiving game.  

Sounds like you’ve made some good strides forward. Well done. Hope you’re ok. 

SharonAnne7

I'm a caregiver and just popped in looking for support. I live in a basement apartment and my 92 year old clients live in the house above. He has dementia and today, when I thought I was ahead (he's clean and dressed and we can go pick up his new glasses) he's decided he needs to get dressed (?) to be ready. He's in the bathroom now, and I will need to get clever as to how I can invite him to come out before the end of the day (6:30). 

Your title reminded me: Baby steps, which is similar to his favorite phrase (in Spanish) "Poco a Poco se llega lejos" (little by little you get far.) 

I have been looking for back up caregivers myself. My other client (the wife) is reluctant. It is hard to get used to a stranger coming into the house, no matter how much of an expert they are. I did find someone and we are going to try her. I will have her talk with my client, the wife, so she can be honest and blunt. Then I will have her talk with me and the husband, because I have to work around the dementia with him. In front of any stranger, he becomes the person he remembers who still drives and balances the checkbook and takes daily showers.  I have to talk to him about his future, when he does need these things and explain that this new caregiver will be available then. 

So... yes (!) find another caregiver, and even then prepare a plan b. As I read your post and think of all my similar fears, I see that it takes time, in baby steps. Let's tell each other: "don't give up." Keep setting up the support you need so you can get out and live your life whatever that is. That's what I am doing, too. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Thank you all so much for your input. 

My OS (older sister) did end up asking the agency for a cover and we got a nice woman to come in for a half day in the morning. Mornings I struggle with the most as there's no telling what will happen and I need structure and order but mom doesn't always follow the schedule so it leaves me exhausted trying to figure out what to do for her.

I think mom likes this new caregiver a lot more than the one that's out for surgery. I'm wondering if it would be rude to ask the original when she comes back if she would do afternoons instead of the whole day. I know a little about her personal life so I worry about her if we cut back her hours. (Though there is no short demand of caregivers so perhaps she'll be fine.)

I still haven't gotten a pcp yet but I managed to get an appointment for my car that it badly needed. A lot more stuff recently surfaced hence my absence from the forum, if anyone noticed. I'm going to be making a separate post sometime today, I think as things are.... very bad.