Visiting someone with Alzheimer's in a nursing home

Cyah

My father and I are struggling with how to visit my mother in her nursing home. She is medically sound, although she is in a wheelchair now and has become unable to engage in meaningful dialogue. She suffers from low attention span and at times gets anxious and even agitated.  Her nursing home is great and they provide a lot of activities and entertainment, but my mother is unable to participate fully due to her cognitive decline even when we are there to help support her. 

When we visit her we are unable to converse and she does not have the ability to watch TV or focus on any kind of activity. In fact, sometimes I think we escalate her anxiety because she does say things like "now what should we do?" Also, it is extremely difficult to take our leave because she often gets very upset and agitated. 

My questions are for those out there who are in a similar situation. Can anyone recommend any tips or techniques for what to do while visiting?  how long do you recommend staying? and how to leave without her getting agitated?

I appreciate any feedback as this is a most difficult and excruciating experience.

Thank you.

loveskitties

While my father was only in MC facility about 30 days before his passing, he was much as you describe your mother.  I visited daily.  When the weather permitted, I wheeled him to the secure courtyard and talked about the weather and the plants, never expecting him to reply.

The facility activities coordinator had an air filled balloon that they used to have the patients bat around.  I would get that balloon and sit closely facing him and toss it so he could try to hit it back to me...and giving him words of praise when he did.

I found that my smiling and touching his arm or hand also seemed to bring him some ease.  Remember, while they may not be verbal, they can sense your mood...so bright and sunny is what you should be...after the visit you can let your true feelings out.

One way to be able to "escape" a visit, is to time it a bit before meal or snack time when the staff will round up the folks to go to the eating area.  Don't make the goodbye long, just a hug and see you later.

Another way is to signal a staff member that you are ready to leave, and they can come an distract or take the patient to another area or activity.

Wishing you and your family the best possible time with your mother.

Lindsay22

My mom is at a similar stage.  Sometimes I wonder if me being there is more upsetting to her than good because I disrupt the routine. Right now my visits are very short, I always have something, a poster, a card to tack up on her board, some new clothes or a blanket.  I talk about it "those butterflies are so nice, I thought you would like the colors" nothing substantial or anything that requires a response since she isn't really able to give more than "yeah" or "no".  Then I usually just talk about the weather or whatever decorations they have up in the hallways, meaningless stuff.  She doesn't remember my family anymore so I've stopped with the kid updates, what we've been doing etc. I try to get her down to the group room and leave from there, it's easier where there is action and she doesn't seem to notice me going most of the time.  People have suggested I read to her but I haven't tried that yet. It's really hard.  At this point I know the visiting is more to soothe my guilt than for her.  Sometimes I'm not sure she knows who I am and just seems bothered.

Cyah

To loveskitties, Thank you so much for your reply. These are very helpful suggestions; some we have tried and some we should try more often. The place she used to be in played the balloon game and I had totally forgotten about it. Your advice to go before a meal or a planned distraction makes so much sense. And thank you too for the reminder that they respond to our moods and simple loving touches. I really appreciate your kind words.

Cyah

To Lindsay, oh my goodness your situation does sound familiar. I am trying to sort out my feelings of guilt or my need to see her to determine what is good for her. I have decided that shorter visits might work better. The small talk is so difficult, and to make things more difficult my father is really hard of hearing so it is very challenging. Strength and best wishes to you. 

harshedbuzz

Cyah-

I tried to arrange my visits with dad just before meals, that way I could slip out as they started to bring food. Another use that worked was to excuse myself to use the restroom and just slip out-- that might work better if you were visiting alone.

I always kept visits short (~ an hour or so) and brought dad something- a card, a cup of coffee and pastry, a soft pretzel, a magazine with pictures. Sometimes I was able to arrive just as a music activity was starting and would join him for that. If we talked it was mostly me talking about very old times he might remember and lavishing praise on his skill as a DIYer or some funny story about him teaching or my late sister. 

Sometimes when my mom would visit, they would take a short afternoon nap together which was nice for both of them. 

When it was my MIL (no dementia) she sometimes liked to go look at the birdfeeders or have lotion massaged into her hands and arms. 

HTH-
HB

dayn2nite2

I had a dog hand puppet my mom liked but someone else here used to make sock puppets to catch the attention.

Another thing my mom liked was bringing her a pinwheel-you can get them at Dollar Tree.  She would hold it and I could blow on it and she’d watch it turn.

Bubbles were also attention-getting.  Sometimes I’d just hold her hand and do the talking.

MN Chickadee

The part of the brain that processes music is usually last affected, and I found mom's favorite music could make a visit much smoother. I brought a small blue tooth speaker and put on her favorites. I also brought something to do because if we were sitting there staring at each other too much it made her anxious. I would bring a puzzle to do, even though she didn't really help. It gave us something to focus on. And fidget stuff for her, if her hands were busy it made her less scattered and anxious. I bought some fidget lap mats on Etsy that are designed for dementia. Or even just the fidget toys they make for kids now, they are cheap at Walmart or similar. Sparkly wrapping paper, something to fold and re-fold, anything to keep her busy. If the facility is allowing visitors in the common areas you might try visiting during an activity they are doing. And we always excused ourselves to the bathroom and slipped out at the end. Goodbyes were no good.

Cyah

My sincere thanks to everyone who shared their experiences and suggestions. This is such a difficult painful thing and I know so many are in the same dreadful place. I so much appreciate these great ideas and the community support of folks who are living with the same pain.

acadiapark

My DW is not at the stage that your loved one is. However, music might be worth trying.

Our neurologist suggested music therapy for my wife who is in late moderate stage. She has neither short nor long term memory. When she started music therapy it was like a miracle. She came alive, sang some of the lyrics, and moved with the tempo. The fact that she could sing songs from the past amazed me.

The music therapist said that music is one of the last things to go. You could use either Pandora or Spotify on your cellphone. Select a song that your loved one liked or from the time period when young. The app will likely select similar songs.  Hopefully the expression on her face will reflect some connection.

I now use music when my DW is starting to sundown. The music helps some of the time.

Best wishes.

MN Chickadee

A couple more thoughts -  if you LO is an animal lover you might try bringing a dog if you have one and it's well behaved. My dog and I volunteer in MC facilities, and the dog seems to reach many PWD like music does. I have no idea what the scientific explanation is, but it is incredible to observe. People who haven't smiled in months will get a happy expression. Residents who have become non-verbal will find words for her. But it depends on your LO, it may make some people more anxious. Also bring treats. My mom loved stuffed animals so I would bring a small one on many visits, or a tasty treat or anything I could think of. Gifts went a long way and gave some focus to the visit.

JoseyWales

Does your LO need help eating? I usually visit during meal times. I help my DH eat, and this way I can make sure he's eating what he needs to. It also frees up the staff to help others. And it lets us spend time together. I just talk about things going on like we've always talked about. It's a one sided conversation for sure, but you can never tell what's getting in.

Jo C.

Wheelchair walks around the facility, stopping to watch the fish in a large aquarium, or the birds in a little cage; also weather permitting, walking outside and sitting in the gazebo in the fresh air and looking at the flowers and plants.

Sometimes, went to activities with my LO; even if she could not take part, she seemed to enjoy watching if someone was with her.  Sometimes lotioning hands and arms.

Often; when she could no longer talk, and her memory had faded, I would speak softly and tell her what a wonderful mother she had been.  Then I would softly tell stories about Christmas, Halloween, funny things, sweet things, how she cooked and sewed and tales of little things in our life that were positive.  She seemed to relax and enjoy them as stories and of course each visit the stories were new all over again as she would have forgotten them.

In earlier days of her admission, she loved the Dutch Conducter,, Andre Rieu, whose large orchestra played mostly beautiful waltzes;  his female muscians wore extravagant ballgowns and the males in tuxes. Very personable and happy videos, so I bought some for  her and  the other patients to be able to watch.  Sometimes we would sit and watch them together.

I also learned not to stay too long; lengthy visits can be tiring for our LOs and sometimes can cause a bit of irritability.   I also tried to bring little treats, or a pretty card, or something for her bulletin board.  It simply kind of rotated. 

Had to gear visits for different presentations as her disease evolved.  So sad. At one point it finally happened; she no longer knew who I was.  That was okay; she saw me as a friendly face and I knew who she was.  And I loved her. 

J.