How to deal with the anger?(1)

LaurieRZ

I'm 59 and my mother hasn't been mad at me since I was a teenager. I've dealt with so much anger the past month including being cussed out. I try to remind myself it's not her, it's the disease. I just don't know where to go from here. I took her keys away about a month ago, which is really what started all this anger. The Neurologist thinks it's time for her to either move in with me or move to AL. She is a strong willed person who says she's not leaving her house. I know it's my job to do what is right for her, but I don't know how to do that. If I force her to move in with me, I think it will be unbearable having so much anger directed at me in my own house. I work from home, which could make for a good situation, but I can't focus on work if there is conflict going on. I don't know what would happen if I forced her to move into AL. I'm touring a facility this weekend, but they told me she would be free to walk out if she chooses. She's not a wanderer, but who knows what she would do if she is mad and doesn't want to be there. I toured a memory care facility, which has locked doors, but she's not anywhere near the level of the residents I saw. I almost wish she was further into the disease and completely unable to live alone.

SusanB-dil

Hi LaurieRZ - unfortunately, it sounds like it is past the point for AL. She may not wander out at this point, but that can change.  However, do NOT feel bad about not taking on this responsibility!  And if not safe to drive - good for you for sticking to that!

I know others will have suggestions, but do make sure paperwork is in place - who has DPOA and HIPAA consents? And are her bills getting paid, is she eating ok, and basically that someone needs to be sure she is safe. Could you get outside help for her - even if it has to be in the guise of 'her helping them'?

You are not alone.  We had agitation issues yesterday evening, as well, and directed at me, but we think there may be another UTI.  arrgh!

Davegrant

My experience was when my DW driver's license was suspended , her PP said to blame her and I followed that advice and I have been grateful ever since. My dw was upset for more than a year and still (5 years) gets angry when she gets an ad in the mail about getting car insurance or something related. So, now I try to divert any changes away from me and at someone else. It just makes life easier for everyone. 

Dave

mommyandme (m&m)

When my moms neurologist said it’s time for 24/7 care, we were not prepared since my brother and I both lived out of state.  We did have caregivers coming in daily for 6-8 hours a day in split shifts. He told us as temporary 24/7 supervision, cameras could be placed in the home.  That actually did work for a short time.  Then we got 24/7 caregivers in the home until we couldn’t manage that long distance either and we moved mom to my state where I’m her primary caregiver.  I must say I don’t technically live with her, although I sleep in her house every night.  Shes in the house behind mine and I do have respite help come in.  I don’t think I could do this if she resided with me.  I can’t recommend that. 

Maybe your moms anger might be helped with a med tweak?  

I’m really sorry for your challenges. This is just so stinking hard! 

LaurieRZ

I've also thought about having someone come in a couple of hours a day (to start with), but I honestly don't think she would want anyone in her house. 

I'm interested in putting cameras in her house, but I don't know if she would think it's an invasion of her privacy or if I would need to install some type of hidden camera. For those that have installed cameras, how did you explain it to your LO and were they okay with it?

Hope65

Hi -- Im in a similar boat - 57 yo with mom.  Hard stuff, right?  I'm so sorry  - for us both.  My heart is so broken.  My dad died in June, which exacerbated mom's early beginning dementia.  Her new geriatrician referred us for a battery of tests to get a better idea of where this damned disease is headed and how to work with the prognosis.  In progress still. I've been living in mom's condo witn her since dad, unable to return to my own home 2 hours away bc of med and other concerns.  That's beyond stressful.  Thank goodness my lease isn't up til April, which buys a bit of time.  She insists on not needing any help.  Best of friends my whole life, she's been lashing out at me in ways I've never imagined possible.  While I know it's the disease and not her, the words stab at my heart regardless.  You, too?  I've started interviewing Geriatric Care Managers to help me navigate these HUGE decisions - possibly starting with home care and moving to MC when that time comes, by which time she may not be aware..  She may not tolerate others in the home, but if it turns out to be a good fit, it may be a life saver for us all.  I've heard that a good match might take a few tries.  As much as I wish that weren't the case, I feel like ive got to try.  If nothing changes, nothing changes. I have the same concerns about AL, and similarly, she's not even close to memory-care-level.   I hear you so loud and clear about wishing she were further along and unable to live alone.Im doing all of this for my own sanity as much as for mom's overall well-being.  Keep posting.  Let's hang on together.

May flowers

Laurie, I am sorry you are going through all of this too. I’m 55 and this is my fourth and last parent/in-law to provide care for *sigh*

In my opinion, the hardest stage is the one where our LOs are still physically capable and think they are okay (anosognosia), but clearly aren’t. So they are strong enough to wander or get themselves in a pickle or other dangerous situation physically or financially. I agree workwise it might be hard to get anything done when they are at that stage. I had a lot harder time getting things done on my farm when my FIL was stage 5, than now at stage 7. And not just the physical work, planning and concentrating was really hard - because I had trouble switching gears. I felt like I had to be vigilant 24/7 and couldn’t focus as well on anything else. Now it’s different, but staying on top of caregivers is a pain too. 

We put my FIL in memory care around stage 5. He was one of the highest functioning people there, but he did make friends with others near his level and adjusted fine. One lady there was so highly functioning, I thought she worked there, she dressed professionally, she offered a tour of the facility, asked if we needed help. The caregivers would give her tasks, like setting up the tables for activities. We didn’t know she was a resident until one of the nurses told us, lol.

One thing to consider with AL, if you think your mom is willing to or capable of getting to meals and activities then that is good. If she would stay in her room - she may end up depressed and adjust poorly. My FIL would have done that, and no doubt we would have gotten 10 calls a day. In MC they kept him too busy for him to sit and stew. He was only in his room for bathroom breaks and at night.

Are there any facilities near you that have AL and MC? That might make for an easier transition later. We had several MC residents like my FIL who did activities with the AL residents. 

From my experience, I wish we had put my FIL straight into AL or MC rather then move him here first because it was just a second stressful move within a year. As for getting her there, or getting a caregiver, that is another issue that I hope others will chime in. My FIL and DH were both against a caregiver, and we were in the middle of Covid anyway and didn’t want people coming and going daily. So it was on me. We *may* have been able to keep him here with a really good caregiver and everyone on board, but finding the right caregiver is not an easy process.

Just my thoughts. Prayers and hugs to you as you work through this

Appy

I sure know how you feel about the anger. My Mom and I have always been close. We did a lot of traveling together up until 2000. She has always been one of my best friends. She now lives in a house across the driveway from us with 24/7 care. Over the past couple months her angry rages have gotten more frequent. She NEVER yelled at me when I was growing up...guess I was the 'good kid'. But lately she has yelled at me, shaken her fist and me and told me to get the H*** out of her house and not to come back. I KNOW full well it's the disease but every single time it breaks my heart a bit more. I have come home and shed so many tears and prayed until I can't continue. I'm thankful that all of her caregivers have had experience in dealing with this kind of anger in dementia patients and they are able to set it aside and do their jobs. As her daughter I have a hard time doing that and I have found the best thing for me to do is leave quietly and come home. This is such a mean, ugly disease. I hate it.