Keeping my DH busy

NewCareGiver540

My DH has been diagnosed with Dementia (Early Stage) for about a year now. he is willing to do anything with me that I ask - shopping, gardening and yard work, watching TV, cooking and visiting friends etc. I am grateful for this because I know from reading all these posts that it will not last. But i cannot have a conversation with him any more about ideas or feelings. He cannot express himself to me. The thing is he has no initiative to do anything himself anymore. No projects, no ideas for things we can do together. If I dont suggest something, he will just sit and read (although he cannot tell me what he read) or just sit. I am getting overwhelmed with keeping him busy. Any suggestions as to what he can do by himself or other things we can do together. both of us are retired so we spend most of our time together.

JDancer

My spouse is stage 5, and is also unmotivated. Constantly asks what he can do for me but is unable to follow through, even with one step or written instructions. 

But he does enjoy puzzles. Jigsaw, word search, even crossword puzzles. Puzzles that used to take minutes now take hours to complete- but that's a win in my book!

White Crane

My DH is late stage 5 and sits most of the day unless I suggest something to do.  Like you, we cannot have a normal conversation and he can't convey his feelings very well.  I know how he is feeling by his actions.  If he won't look at me or puts his hand up to block me I know he is angry.  He asks me every day if I want to do something.  This is code for him wanting to do something but not knowing what to do.  I usually suggest going for a ride or playing rummy.  He generally opts for playing rummy.  That is the only card game he remembers how to play.  He does dry the dishes for me most days.  And he likes to set the table and help me clear the table after a meal.  Little things he would never have done when he was healthy.  He also enjoys it when I read to him...usually a devotion.  And he enjoys it when I show him a picture of his siblings and help him name them.  He also enjoys sitting outside and watching me pull weeds or sweep the sidewalk...things he used to do. 

Try asking him for help folding laundry or doing other simple tasks around the house.  He wants something to do but has lost the ability to know what that something is.  Sending hugs.

M1

Welcome NCG.  These aspects you are seeing have names--apathy, and loss of executive function.  Both are very common.  My partner got so the only things she would consistently do were vaccuming (pretty harmless) and shuffling through old papers (not so harmless, had to be sure she didn't have the checkbook to pay old bills for the umpteenth time).  If he's content, it's okay to just let him be--these things may bother you more than they bother him.  We can't be social directors all the time, and this is one of the upsides of memory care--they do provide more socialization than our spouses can get at home.  

But yes, the conversations are a thing of the past.  You lose your partner long before you lose their body.

Ed1937

Although this may not make him active, it is something that you can enjoy together. Listen to music that you both like. Music retention is one of the last things to go, and can be comforting for both of you. Maybe take in a music festival, if there are any around.

rlpete

This is one of the tougher things for me with my wife. Due to her vision problems she can no longer read and she used to love to read. She also doesn't like going with me on errands as the vision problems make walking around in stores a real challenge. Hikes, museums and the like are also not possible. 

How about books on tape and/or podcasts? My wife doesn't completely follow the books on tape but she still enjoys listening to them. She says it feels like her brain is really working. I usually choose books that don't have a lot of characters and/or complicated plots. With podcasts maybe you can find topics that interest him. 

Another suggestion is a desk cycle exerciser. My wife likes using it and since she is just sitting in a chair when she uses it, neither of us are worried about her falling. I find myself using sometimes too as I can use a little more exercise.  

As for activities you can do together, how about picnics? My wife likes that. I usually choose somewhere that is a good drive away so it makes it more of a long afternoon. The summer is ending but what about outdoor concerts? There are usually some around and are usually free or low cost. I am worried about winter though and what we can do this winter. It will be tough. 

Good luck.        

HollyBerry

Last winter it drove me absolutely crazy that my partner could sit for hours and look out the window at the clouds and the birds and do "nothing."  It also drove me crazy that I would come home from work and find every single thing in approximately the same place - she wouldn't do laundry or clean the cat boxes and half the time I don't think she let the dogs out all day.  I've since learned that apathy is a characteristic of the disease and that knowledge makes me feel a little less like Cinderella...  sometimes.

Anyway.  A couple summers ago we tried to walk the dogs in every city or county park.   We have visited almost every branch library in our city.  What does your husband like -- farmers markets? ice cream? watching kids play sports?  garden centers? I confess to creating excuses to drive to another nearby city to pick up some item at a store on sale. We listen to music in the car, do our errand, get coffee or ice cream or lunch, then drive home. 

I've also learned that her definition of "busy" and mine are totally different.  She can do one "thing" per day and feel busy.  I think back to life before Alzheimers when we probably did more in a day than we do in a week, now.  I do notice that if she is somewhat "busy" she sleeps better and is more connected to the world.  She just can't know in advance that I've created busyness for her benefit.

Midwest Gal

I can sure relate to this post.  My DH has always been a worker... Prior to his AZ he seemed to work hard as his form recreation.  He would work a 40 hour job and then go build a house or garage for someone.  We have a hobby farm so he was always busy.  Now that he is in stage 6 he still has the working drive but no longer has his many "MacGyver" skills.  I have tried many of the recommendations such as folding towels, sweeping the kitchen floor but he was unable to do any of it.  He can no longer read, doesn't like music, gives him a headache to play cards, has no interest in TV/even his old favorite shows, won't do puzzles or can't.  .  He can drive around on our mower but it looks more like a maze when he is done, which is fine.  About the only thing that seems to work is going for walks.  We visit the local zoo and parks. We used to camp and ride our horses around the country.  It was hard to give all this up but the stress out weighed the fun.  I attempted kayaking the other day and that was a mistake.   I often wish that he could just sit and relax but it's not the way he is wired.  He is always offering to help me but as we know it just adds to the frustration when you try to involve them in activities that they can't do.  Our situation has been a slow progression over 10 years so it has given me time to adjust and prepare but it's still very difficult on a day by day basis.  My 40 year career was providing diagnosis, treatment and future planning for our state's most challenging people with mental health, intellectual disabilities and brain injury.  I should be prepared for this journey but boy it's tough.

NewCareGiver540

Thank you. Word Search is a good idea. He has always done Sudoku but now cannot seem to finish one.

NewCareGiver540

Thank you so much. It really helps to see others in my same situation. We have many Shutterfly books of family pictures. I am looking at them with him now. great suggestion!

NewCareGiver540

Sigh - there is comfort in knowing I am not alone in what we are experiencing - but how I miss conversation!

NewCareGiver540

Thank you for this suggestion. Last evening we went and heard a local band where there was dancing. We had a lovely evening - although he wanted to stay on the dance floor all night!!

NewCareGiver540

Wonderful suggestions - we went out to listen to live music last evening and it was great. he stayed very engaged although a few songs made him cry. I am looking into a desk cycler.

NewCareGiver540

Thank you for the suggestions - I am keeping a list. Yesterday we listened to live music and tomorrow we are going to a little museum and out to lunch. It is hard to keep him busy but I am comforted to hear others are in a similar situations.

toolbeltexpert

Everybody covered all the things to do. Music, long rides ice cream. I chuckled about the mowing, sometimes I have to mow late and the next day I see the spots I missed. M1 I can't wait till my dw is off isolation so she can see what else they have to do. I don't know why she has to do this, she had to test negative to move. She still does have a little congestion lingering.  Ncg hang around there is so much to learn that is so helpful.