I feel like I'm losing it this morning.

White Crane

There are tears in my eyes and I feel very depressed and down this morning.  His disease is getting the best of me.  DH is constantly complaining about something and I'm the only one here he has to complain to.  It's like a constant drip on my forehead and on my emotions.  There comes a point where I feel so angry and damaged that I just want to run away.  I'm a Christian and have faith but I don't know what to pray for right now...except for God's will.  I want this constant dripping on my heart to be over.  It hurts!  I could write about specific things but they all run together in my mind right now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Brenda

M1

Thinking of you dear.  Glad you can come here.  Any home help to be had?  Hospice?  I'm just throwing out things.  Wish it weren't so hard.  You know there are many hearts here to lift you up.

Joydean

White crane, I’m so sorry but I do know how you feel. Wishing you had some help to give you a break. Sometimes just an hour can make a big difference. This disease as so many have said, just keeps on taking. I’m sending prayers and virtual hugs your way!

Ed1937

Brenda, we understand. I wish we could just wave a magic wand, and everything would be good again. But we know that's not possible. I'm sorry the pain gets so overwhelming.

Just Bill

I feel your pain White Crane. My wife is wide awake at 4 in the morning turning on all the lights, stomping all around the house huffing and puffing. So there is an hour and a half of unwinding that episode with all the psychology, patience, and techniques I have learned from daily research on the disease. Then we may have another hour and a half of her apologizing for the first hour and a half. Three hours of emotional energy and conversation that I will have to repeat on a cycle throughout the day. I have had more than one meltdown and yell at her, then immediately feel terrible because it isn't her anymore. The last emotional meltdown I had she went to sleep and there was a very rare silence in the house. I visualized this is what it's going to be like when she is gone. That reset my patience level and gave me an emotional callous to tolerate her behavior better. When she is gone I will miss her enough to be happy to put up with her one more day. Every time I lose my patience with her I think about that. She still drives me crazy but that is something I have solve for myself, she won't be able to help with that. She is still in there and resurfaces briefly throughout the day so that's the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now.

White Crane

Thank you M1,Ed, Joydean, Bill.  Yes, I know there are many hearts there to lift me up and that carries me through another day. I do get 16 hours a month of respite care from the Area Agency On Aging but don’t generally use all 16 hours. DH doesn’t like people coming to the house and can be very vocal about it. Normally throws a little hissy fit when I leave but it’s OK when I get back. It’s hard for me to detach from that little hissy fit And leave without feeling  some guilt.  Thank you all again.

Beachfan

Brenda,

I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed and sad.  I wish I had some comfort to offer, beyond mere words.  Have you ever considered a MCF respite for your DH?  I agonized for 2 years trying to reconcile myself to the idea.  Finally, last summer, I decided to try a 30 day respite stay, knowing that permanent placement probably loomed on the horizon.  Long story short, my kids talked me into forgoing the respite and permanently placing DH.  I know finances can be an issue as well as the desire to keep a LO at home. (I was sure I could keep DH at home; perhaps I could have, but I didn’t.) Whatever path you follow, know that I am thinking of you and praying for some peace for you.  I so admire your fortitude in caring for your DH.  

Buggsroo

Hi Brenda,

I get where you are coming from. Every morning after being woken countless times I go into the kitchen. Every light we own is snapped on even though the sun floods in. He takes my n’empressons pods out of their boxes and they are strewn about. Then I take a lot at any ancillary damage and my brain has this pop. I go into auto pilot and feed the cats, clean the kitchen, give him his breakfast. After that is done, I make my nespresso and escape to the basement, coffee in hand as well as newspaper. I know I have half an hour or so before I have lunch. Sometimes bleak thoughts pass through my head; is this what the rest of my life will look like. 

So I realize I have to go out, a walk, sit on the deck etc. I am sorry you are struggling with this horror show. I wish you peace.

Battlebuddie

So sorry White Crane. I’m sorry you are flying low this morning . Will send extra prayers your way for added strength and peace

KathyF1

Brenda, you have good company on this forum. I think all of us can relate. It’s so hard being a caregiver 24/7. Frankly it’s depressing. It’s easy to feel that life is passing you by. My only solace is knowing if my DH didn’t have me he’d be in a bad situation. His kids aren’t interested in having anything to do with him. So sad. I too am a Christian and leaning on God is all I can do at times. I’ll pray that God will strengthen and comfort you!