Delayed Dementia Grief

Reaching Out

My husband died on Sunday July 24, 2022 at a Memory Care Unit after being discharged from a Geriatric Psych Unit for aggressive behavior.  I never could fully accept his diagnosis of mixed Dementia and when he died the quilt and regret for not fully accepting him as he was haunts me.  I gave his Medical POA to his adult children from his first marriage wanting at the time someone else to help make decisions.  Although they were very attentive to visiting him at memory care, I feel that I relinquished him to his death by not being able to intervene and have him discharged from geriatric psych where he has treated with antipsychotics that took him farther away from me.  He was admitted to Hospice care and once the morphine started it didn’t stop and that’s what he died from.  I don’t feel he was at end stage dementia just over medicated .  I can’t change the past, just trying to make it through the present.

Reaching Out

Thank you for being so honest and upfront.  Have been to two GriefShare programs.  One specifically for loss of spouse and most recently generic losses not specific to Dementia.  I feel like an outlier, but that’s my problem.  Recently spoke with Hospice social worker about their program which begins September 12 and lasts through October.  And there is always private counseling.  I’ll keep plugging away; seems to be what I do best.

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Space within

   Although my LO was my mother and the medical choices for my mom were under other people in the family, I can relate to your the guilt and grief you are going through. 

Yesterday and today marks a year since I shared time with my LO.  It will be a year on friday that she passed away.  

There are days where an energy of anger and rage pass through me -as I think of how many meds she was on during her last year.   

It is heart breaking and sometimes difficult to remember during the time of my mom's illness - I was, and everyone else was doing their absolute BEST to care, support and love my mom. 

It's still sometimes so hard to understand she has physically passed away.  

    Sending you love and strength.

"Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day 

Maybe the sun is singing, the birds are winging, 

Though rain is falling from a heavy sky

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. "

--Box of rain. lyrics 

David J

My wife passed away at the end of August this year. I was with her at the end, and wondered the same thing about the morphine. Would she have lived longer if they hadn’t put her on it?  Then I think of her lying in that bed, skin and bones at half her normal weight. She didn’t have any life left in her. When she was gone, and the caregivers cleaned her up and dressed her, she looked so peaceful and beautiful, like the woman she used to be. Her face was relaxed for the first time in years. I know it was time for her to go, and the morphine eased the way, but I can’t help thinking that I could have had a few more hours or even days with her. But the ending would have been the same, and I’d still be grieving. The only thing that comforts me is that she went quietly and easily.

JWestover73

Comfortably Numb...a great song to describe a phase of grief. Grief is quite a journey. Thank you for being vulnerable here & sharing a powerful song!