They seemed good me!

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Faith,Hope,Love

Absolutely frustrating!  I don't know how people miss those little things that should tell them something's not right.  But I missed them for several years too so I can't blame them.

Ed1937

Good for you. I think you got your point across.

jmlarue

Some in our family just don't want to see what they can't cope with. My DH's brother picks him up every Saturday morning and they spend an hour at a local cafe to have coffee with a few other old friends. This has been the norm for the past 4 years as my DH has progressed from MCI to Stage 6 dementia. DH's inability to carry on any type of normal, intelligible conversation at this point is impossible to ignore. And, yet, none of these folks acknowledge that there is anything substantially wrong with DH. I can only assume that he's remaining largely silent and just listening to the other's chit chat and joking banter. No doubt they all just think he's a "good listener," never realizing that he has difficulty comprehending what they say or finding the words to interject. These are the folks who will be shocked by his death and say stupid things at his funeral like, "I had no idea he was so sick."

Joydean

I can relate to the frustration. Our kids say dad hasn’t been “right “ for a long time. True he hasn’t been “normal “ since 2001 when he had severe brain damage. Others just say say he’s very quiet. They don’t understand he’s quite because he can’t get words out so he is quite. But it is what it is. So as caregivers we just keep doing the best we can do.

Iris L.

Try not to upset yourselves.  They are oblivious, the same as some professionals.  Just let them spend a significant amount of time alone (if it can be done safely) with the PWD.  Then they will ask, what happened? 

Iris

Jo C.

Oh my; my mother had a behavioral variant of FTD and her behaviors were over the moon.  My dear brother who lived 20 minutes way rarely came to visit, perhaps once every month or so and stayed always less than an hour.  My mother, like so many dementia patients saw me, the person doing the most for her as a terrible person despite my striving to do well for her.  She saw my brother as the, :Second Coming."  No big deal, I had no ego needing stoking and anything that gave her a little pleasure was just fine.

As things became worse and worse, if I tried to inform my brother, he simply said she was fine, no problem; it must "me."  Bite tongue, and let my eyeballs roll around for a minute or so and had a good reason to get off the phone.

Well . . . about a year and a half later of "nothing being wrong," my dear brother and his wife came to visit for Mother's Day.  We were both there visiting with a wrapped gift; when out of the blue . . . my mother began to shout, and rant and curse and shout louder and louder making no sense . . . it was in Dolby Stereo and her face as red as could be and she began flailing about. My brother and his wife exited stage left and went outside. I got everything calmed and went outside. My brother and his wife were pale with big eyes and he asked, "What the HE-- was that?????"    I quietly said, "Welcome to my world."  He never doubted me after that.  

Sometimes it takes a little reality before one can see the forest . . .

P.S.  I had my DM with FTD; my step-dad with Alz's Disease at the same time and my MIL and GMIL both with Alzheimer's Disease.  All of them had family doubters.  Tincture of time becomes the great reality check.  Learned just to let go which is not an easy lesson, but sure is freeing.

J.

toolbeltexpert

Cecil you did what I've wanted to do. That is such a common response. They seem ok to me! Family can be the worst! No disrespect I am speaking about my family.

sandwichone123

Knowing how common this is, and also knowing that dh will never have any family come see him, I decided early on that when people said, "he looks fine to me," I would hear it as praise that I was doing a great job caring for him.

If you can't beat 'em, cope the best you can. (Although I do love the takedown.)

Chammer

@jmlarue. I call it Old Man Church!  DH and a group of friends have met for Saturday breakfast for several years.  The participants vary and the age range is the occasional young grandkid or kid to the 80s yo.  Sometimes only 2 or 3 attend and sometimes 15.  There are a couple of the guys who are older who I am pretty sure may have MCI or further along (my DH is only 59, no diagnosis, but definitely some cognitive changes.)  They all sort of accept each other where they are and as DH says “solve the problems of the world.”  

In the small town where I grew up they called it the “Spit and Whittle” club - they hung out on the courthouse square in our small town, whittled and spit, and gossiped and “solved the problems of the world.”  It sounds like your LO has a great group of guys who accept who and where he is!  What a wonderful blessing!