Phone calls make it worse?

ktslaughing

My mom is in a board and care MC facility two states away. I call her and chat once a week at least, but our phone calls are getting harder and harder. She is starting to not really understand who I am and is barely able to have a conversation. My last call with her was so upsetting. She started crying, calling me momma over and over, and asking for something I couldn't make out. I'm wondering if my calls are making things worse for her or if I'm just letting myself think that because I'm so upset afterwards. Since I live far away, so a phone call is all I have. I don't know if I should keep calling and if so, what can I talk about that won't upset her or require her to participate, but is still meaningful or good for her? Any advice is appreciated.

Hoot619

Call the facility and ask to talk to her nurse. They should know and give you some good advice,   Others on her will chime in with their experiences.

Marie58

I have a close friend that was in a similar situation. Her solution was to call her mom at the same time every evening and talk for just a couple minutes. It happened to be right after Jeopardy and part of the conversation was about the show, since her mom watched it every night. The phone call was just part of her routine and it seemed to work well for them. Maybe something like that would work for you. I'd also call and ask the staff for their input. Blessings to you both.

jmlarue

Be her "Momma" and say the things you would say to your child who misses you - I love you, I miss you, I will try to visit you soon. Keep it short and sweet and then distract to a different topic if she's still capable of doing that. Good advice to talk with staff about the phone calls causing distress. Perhaps a Facetime or Zoom call with video would allow you to see if she still recognizes you as her daughter and doesn't confuse the disembodied voice as her mother?

ktslaughing

These are all great suggestions. Thank you all!

M1

KTS, my partner doesn't have her own phone access in memory care, and I don't try to call on the phone to talk to her because it always seems to interrupt the staff.   But the activities director has an iPad that they will use for scheduled, supervised FaceTime calls, and that has actually worked pretty well for us when I haven't been able to visit.  I don't know if you think your mother would recognize you on a video screen any better than she does on the phone, but it's just a thought--you might be able to discuss with the staff if there's anything like that available.

I frankly am not sure any of it makes much difference, to be honest.  My partner doesn't seem to remember my visits for more than a few minutes and doesn't remember cards or anything.  She my phone number written down in mutliple places but keeps asking what it is (obviously doesn't recognize writing and numbers any more).  When she had covid recently and I couldn't visit, I sent her a card; I asked yesterday if she had gotten it and of course she said she hadn't.  But then I found it sitting open on her bathroom counter.  

Very hard to accept that we are likely the ones who need visits and contact, not them so much.  Tough call, so to speak.