New to all of this.

joseph58

Not sure where to begin. Arrived 2 weeks ago to give assistance at home. Father (89) has dementia; younger brother (61) suffers mental illness past year or so, he was previous caregiver to my father, brother is admitted to hospital again after a stay 25 June-16 Aug.

House is in terrible condition, filthy and in disrepair. No food in kitchen, they had been ordering for delivery or the (incapacitated) brother had been going out to purchase. Bills had not been paid in quite some time. I have corrected the situation to the best of my ability. I have POA over my father.

Honestly, it's too much to deal with. My father needs a full-time cook, housekeeper and accountant. He's been waking up at night, midnight, 2am, 4am, saying he is hungry and demanding food. He is in denial about his own situation, and that of the younger brother. When he doesn't get what he wants, gets nasty, raises his voice and starts cursing me.  

He cannot go to the bank, supermarket, cannot properly prepare meals, is very short-term forgetful, and the worst part, lives in unsanitary conditions. Refuses to take a shower or change his clothes. He's taking prescribed Donepezil for his dementia, also some cholesterol medicines.

In addition to my father's problems, my brother is being discharged from the hospital into rehab at a nursing home facility, and may have to be admitted for long-term care, there is no way to take care of him and my father at the same time here. Impossible.

Researching and trying to digest a lot of information regarding Medicaid, converting to Medicaid Institutional, dealing with hospital and nursing home at same time, it's too much for me.

My brother has been looting my father's bank accounts for the past few years. Mail has not been opened in years either. I spend most of day going thru it all, very unmanaged and a few things already in collection. 

That's my life right now. Feel like going outside and screaming. Trying to keep a lid on it. 

I keep a journal of each day's activities and have reached out to communities such as this one. 

Thanks for reading, any advice for coping with all of this much appreciated. 

choriste12

{{Virtual hugs of support.}}

I don't have much but I hear you.  I'm an only child and so am receiving a lot of the anger at my efforts to help, arguing that she wants charge of her bills back, etc.  She's still able to drive and I monitor her driving through the Life360 app, which so far is fine, but I know the day is coming.  She got angry and bad mouthed me to two of my kids for "not letting" her drive after a minor surgery last week (when she was told by the doctor not to drive for a week.  Go figure.)  It's obvious my role is going to be bad guy so I'm struggling with the resentment of that as it's triggering some childhood issues.  I'm lucky to have a supportive spouse but nothing really takes the hurt away of a parent changing into someone you don't like very much.

At any rate, glad I found this website today and that I saw your post.  Hope this helps us both feel less alone.

mommyandme (m&m)

Joseph58 and choriste12… glad you came “here” for support.  There’re so many wise and caring people here.  I’m so sorry for your struggles and pain.  This is an emotional journey for sure and quite difficult.  

Joseph, do you have both financial and medical POA in place? Depending on your dad’s financial situation, a care manager might be worth looking into since you’ve come into a chaotic and shocking situation.  Someone actually physically present may be able to help you organize immediate care.  If there are some funds maybe a good housecleaning company could help relieve you of that burden too.  An Adult Day Care may be helpful and many can bathe your dad for a small added fee and may have a scholarship program to help pay, besides Medicare. 

The home and scenario sounds completely overwhelming to me.  Screaming is not the worst thing you can do, away from your LOs of course.  

Glad you made your ways here and shared what’s going on.  More will come along to help. Keep coming back. 

joseph58

Hi, Management powers, Powers to make payments, Banking, Health Care and HIPAA are on the POA, he initialed all of those. Thank you.

Iris L.

joseph58 wrote:

. He is in denial about his own situation, and that of the younger brother. When he doesn't get what he wants, gets nasty, raises his voice and starts cursing me.  

Welcome, Joseph.  Your dad is not in denial, he has anosognosia.   That is a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD (person with dementia) to be unaware of having dementia.  If you attempt to make him see reality, he will become upset and resist, as you have seen.  So don't  try to confront any more.  Learn the work-arounds that the members will teach you.  Make your efforts in the background and learn a new, indirect way of communicating.  Don't expect him to come to you and ask for help or even to acknowledge your help.  In fact, don't tell him you are helping him.

Keep reading and keep posting.  The members are very knowledgeable and are willing to share.

Iris

mommyandme (m&m)

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