After spouse dies

tristessa · August 2022

I’m pretty sure my fathers body is shutting down.

My mother is in memory care. She is still physically well, verbal and does well with outings, but obviously still very much as Alzheimer’s (mid to late maybe?).

I literally have no idea what to do after my dad passes. Does she attend the funeral? Do we tell her at all?

What has been your experience?

terei · August 2022

Does your mother ask about him now? If she asks about him, I would tell her ONE time

+ if she asks about him again, I would give her some kind of diversion response ‘ he had to

go visit so + so. He’ll be back in a few days’

If you tell her over and over that he died, she is going to experience her shock + grief over + over, so I would avoid telling her if at all possible.

dayn2nite2 · August 2022

Tell her once. I would not have her attend the funeral.

jfkoc · August 2022

Hard question with no right answer. It seems that we have become accustomed to having no funeral due to covid. Would you consider not having one.

MN Chickadee · August 2022

There is no right answer, but think it through and do what is right for mom. Not what is right for other people. If you don’t bring her to the funeral people who don’t understand dementia will be flabbergasted and question the decision. . That doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. If you think she might get something out of it or retain any of it then you consider it. If there’s no good to come of it then I would not. I would second the idea of telling her that he passed once. If she doesn’t remember and asks again or continues on as if he’s alive I would find the right therapeutic fib. He’s traveling to see his brother, he’s on a fishing trip, etc. it’s not fair to have them relive the grief over and over again.

My mother’s brother who was her only blood relative other than me died when she was late stage 5 with Alz. I knew he was close to dying and made the decision not to bring mom to see him one last time even though they hadn’t seen each other in a very long time. His hospice team at the hospital including a hospice doctor and chaplain helped me come to that conclusion that I should not bring her to see him. II did have her at the funeral but it was a very nontraditional situation. There was no service, we just had a gathering of acquaintances and family. I had somebody always assigned to her to ward off people who didn’t get it. She didn’t retain that he died more than 10 seconds at a time so I didn’t want people talking to her much because it got awkward and upsetting fast. In hindsight I wish I’d just not brought her. She got nothing out of it and it was incredibly stressful for her. If anything it detracted from the purpose of it being to remember the brother. So I would just reiterate to think about who you’re doing it for and what good will come of it. If there are people there she will remember and enjoy seeing that’s something to consider. If you are cremating or can do the burial separate from the service perhaps plan to not decide right away what kind of funeral to have or whether to bring her. When he passes tell her once and see how it goes from there. My condolences, you are in a very hard time and have a lot on your plate.