I placed my beloved wife in an MC last Tuesday

Vitruvius

DW was farther along than I was willing to accept and it was none to soon for her placement. I am devastated but I decided to place her when a room became available at a very highly regarded, family run MC only and I wanted to do it before a crisis. Although I've had it easy by comparison to others here, the issues were getting progressively hard to deal with. My daughter helped me understand that it was time. 

I placed my beloved wife in memory care on Tuesday 30 August. You may have read my previous postings about a failed attempt at placement last month. In the end I can see that that place was not a good fit anyway and I'm grateful it didn't happen.

The MC that I placed her at was actually one I had put a waitlist deposit on last March not ready at that time but wanting to be prepared. I had given up on it when I looked to place her last month as my place on the list was such that rooms seemed like they might never become available. Well one did come up. It is a MC only facility run by the third generation of a local family. It is very highly regarded and fully staffed with very low staff turnover according to the family of residents that we know. It has 30 residents in three "houses", and has a staff of 55 all shifts. 

The road here was not as torturous as many. She always expressed gratitude when I helped her dress or toilet. But incidents continued to build including bouts of heightened confusion and agitation along with ever declining motor skills. On the surface she is relatively fit and healthy having just turned 71. But she is showing signs of Parkinsonism symptoms according to her neurologist. She is the youngest at the facility. 

Like so many thinking about placement I was near certain she would react very negatively and insist, or beg to come "home". I was surprised and a frankly a bit saddened that she did not. She didn't really seem to understand or even care that she would be staying in a new place. I assured her that she was going to be seeing me again "soon" and she seemed to accept this as a given. Often when we would sit holding hands at home she would simply say “stay with me”. Heartbreaking. 

When I came the next day she saw me and exclaimed with a big smile "it's my husband!" This was welcomed since although she tells me she loves me several times a day, she does not always know exactly who I am. They have a large property with extensive flowering gardens and paths. We walked around and sat in various gazebos holding hands but doing very little talking as her Semantic Dementia limits any meaningful conversation. She seemed a bit uncertain and confused as to what was happening to her and perhaps a bit troubled by it but not to the point of distress. 

After two hours of this it was lunchtime and the director/owner collected her in the kindest manner and DW went off with her as I slipped out. She didn’t even look back at me.

My old life is over and I continue on as a bereft shell. 

Ed1937

Vitruvius, I'm sorry it's so hard, but grateful that it seems to be going as well as can be expected. Count that as a win. 

I understand that making a new life is not easy, but you'll get there, as will I.

toolbeltexpert

Vitruvius I am so happy you were able to find such a nice place, and from the sounds of it, it was right on time. I hope you and your dw continue to have such good visits. Keep us posted and get some rest for you now.

M1

My heart goes out to you V.  It brings tears to my eyes, of both sympathy and jealousy.  I am so glad you have such a nice place for her and that the transition has been relatively smooth.

DJnAZ

I'm sure you know you did the right thing. For your wife and for you. She is now being cared for and it is time for you to take care of you. I was in your shoes 90 days ago and it was hard then and still is. My wife is slowly adjusting to her new world. And I'm adjusting to mine. As Ed said, you will get there.

jmlarue

I share your feelings of sadness and loss. The empty house. The loneliness. It doesn't feel like much of a "win" right now, but maybe you can consider it a small win for your wife. It's a blessing that she isn't distressed by the move or feeling abandoned by your absence. I vividly remember those years as a working mom and those first days dropping off my youngster at a new daycare. I dreaded that start of each day - pushing a screaming/crying child into the arms of a stranger and needing to walk away. It was such an awful experience, not being able to comfort him. Soon, the day came when we'd walk through that door and my child would run to play with his new friends, without so much as a wave goodbye. That hurt me, too. I was no longer the be-all and end-all of his world. He was happy without me. Ouch!

I think we all experience these push-me, pull you moments with our LOs moving away from us, whether it's growing up or growing old. My DH has been in Psych care nearly 2 weeks. He demands to go home less and seems content for much longer periods than when he was home. I'm the one who's struggling. I'm 71 and I've never lived alone. Imagine that. In time, I'll probably adjust to this new normal, but it's definitely a struggle right now. So, yeah, I know how you feel, Vitruvius. One is definitely the loneliest number.

Jeff86

Thank you for sharing your placement experience, Vitruvius.   A very poignant narration.  

Given your prior placement experience, this is definitely a victory.  An opening at a superior MCF happened when you had made the difficult placement decision, and your DW’s adjustment, initially, has proceeded smoothly.

Your DW is unquestionably better off at the MCF, given her disease progression and increasing care needs.  And for that reason, so are you — even as it doesn’t feel that way.  I sometimes think caregivers’ suffering can match or even exceed our LOs’ suffering, if only for our greater awareness.

Hard to reimagine or remake a life.  So far, I’ve been able to keep my DW at home—and even with that, I feel terribly lonely.  Scares me to think that gets worse.

I hope, with time, you can make some semblance of a life.

Marie58

It sounds like a great place for your DW. Blessings to you both during this adjustment period.