Behavior and rapid decline

daisyflops22

hi, LO was diagnosed w/AZ in April. Since then, and especially over the past month or so, I've seen his behavior spiral down. He has frequent temper tantrums that seem to last for days. Usually it's because he can't find something, or can't read numbers on his phone. But, today was way different. I heard commotion in the kitchen, knew there was a problem with something because the usual string of cuss words was loud and clear. He couldn't find the coffee filter. Started screaming that 'all I want is to make my coffee in the morning.' Stormed out, bought another filter, and did not speak to me the rest of the day. It's almost 9pm and the only thing he's really uttered to me is that we would get along fine if I didn't move things so he couldn't find them. I asked how he could possibly think I would intentionally throw out the coffee filter. He just shook his head and threw up his arms and said I don't know... and then he laughed.

I told him that more than anything else I want him to understand how hurt I am. And his response was basically nothing. He's become indifferent to my feelings and it's devastating. I have read other posts and articles that making accusations at spouses and caregivers is part of the decline.

My question now is how do I handle it? He's on meds for depression and anxiety, but that isn't going to do anything for this. Is it typical for more meds to be prescribed as he gets worse?

Thanks for listening.

M1

Hi Daisy. Sorry you are dealing with this. Yes, he may need more medication, or higher doses. I would absolutely report this behavior to his docs. You don't want it to escalate to violence. My partner gradually got so she didn't know where anything was in the kitchen and then in the rest of the house, so you'll likely see more of this. And she literally built the house.

 You said he went out and bought another filter-i have to ask, is he still driving? I would worry a lot about that. Not to add to your troubles, but it's a red flag, particularly if he's driving while angry.

As for thinking you did it:  sounds like early paranoia, which I would also report. Loss of empathy goes with progression, too. I completely understand your wanting him to see your side of it and do appreciate your feelings, but that's wishful thinking. Part of the harsh reality that it's not a mutual relationship any more, sadly. It hurts, a lot.

sandwichone123

Hi Daisy,

From his perspective he's right and nothing will change that. He doesn't remember where things are and it's deeply frustrating, so it seems to him like someone must be to blame. You are the only one there, so it must be you.

There are several things that may be helpful, besides adjusting medications. One is to simplify as much as possible so that things he may want are in plain sight. Another, much harder, is to recognize that you are on your own. You do not have a partner that can empathize with you any more, so reach out to others for support--to us, to a local support group, conceivably to family or friends if they are supportive--although many are not because they just don't get it.

Explaining doesn't help. Reason and logic don't help--they usually frustrate the pwd. Understanding his world can be helpful, "I hate it when things get lost, let me help you find it," can work. Some people apologize for moving/losing it, but I have never been able to bring myself to do that. Asking him to make sense of the world will frustrate him--it's already not making any sense to him, but you can tell him you will help him. I always told my spouse, "I will do my best," which didn't guarantee an outcome, but was supportive and caring.

 PS. That is the cutest dog!

HollyBerry

I know what you mean when you say suddenly your feelings are no longer even part of their consciousness. It wasn't all that long ago when I would get at least "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Nope, not any more. And what is it about coffee?  I found the filters in the fridge and the coffee in the dog food cabinet last week.

My peeve has been - she's not that bad yet! A little shred of human decency does still exist under the surface. She has enough insight left to be troubled by feeling angry and not being able to get over it. But it really gets old when she starts the same argument every 2 hours or so for a WEEK, and then poof, it's all forgotten. So strange.

All this to say, we understand.

Young@heart

Oh Daisy...this is my first time sharing with alz connections..and yours' was the first post I read. I am experiencing some of the same as you. My soon-to-be 85 year old husband was formally diagnosed with alz three months' ago. He is in the early stage, but I have learned that this is not a linear disease...patients can demonstrate symptoms and behaviors of each stage while clinically labeled in another stage. His behaviors are the most difficult to deal with. Most of our arguments arise from me getting additional help. 

DH has several other major comorbidities. The most prominent is a very rare genetic disease that is always fatal. Right now he experiences severe neuropathy in both feet, loss of most sensation and movement control of his hands and has systemic damage to numerous organs...including his heart. The physical limitations only make the alz worse. 

I have home care beginning tomorrow (two days a week- 3 hrs each time). He has fought me on this for nearly a year. He would raise his voice threatening divorce...telling me to get out of his house. Ranting that my mind was being poisoned by the therapist that his neurologist has visiting us ( as well as being poisoned by all the online research I do).  I finally took the step of hiring help...knowing my DH will make my life miserable for making a decision he does not agree with. 

i can't offer you any actionable suggestions for how to deal with the behavior...I struggle with it daily and have not found an absolute answer. I recently attended my first face to face alzheimer's  support group meeting. I'm looking forward to our next meeting. I speak with a psychotherapist every two to three weeks. She is my advocate, my cheer-leader....and gives me many suggestions for coping with the grief and emotional roller-coaster I am constantly on. I spend hours reading medical journal articles, ncbi,nih government medical summaries and [verified] medical research papers  about my DH's conditions. Having more knowledge makes me feel as if I have some control.

I am struggling with how to live in the same house with the ghost of someone I knew and loved...when I detest the ghost.