Daily Delusion of Unfaithfulness

Jinx Darling

Hi, 

We have been together for 40 years. DH is 78 an I am 60. A year ago DH had a defining episode, that uncovered a host of cognitive issues and DH, who drove, went to appointments alone and did most of the financial and shopping, became dependent on others. It has been a rocky road with his progressive decline every 3 months it seems. Looking back, the defining event opened my eyes to the whys and wherefore of so many questionable decisions my DH has made over the last 10-15 years. 

He is now having daily delusions of me being unfaithful. He will start by looking at me and shaking his head, then mumble things like “I can’t believe it” or “ oh what a web we weave” he says things like “I’m gone all the time”, other than therapy, a dozen outings, two girl friend trips that totaled 5 nights to sleep without responsibilities this year. I am with him 24/7, it’s hard because I really no longer feel safe to leave him alone and he objects to the friends I have stay with him. I had curtailed most of my activities and per my therapist and PA I need to get out more but that is difficult with DH delusion. I take him with me everywhere, outings are mostly grocery store, Walmart, and dr appointments. I try to find fun events we can do but it is hard. He does not like to go places.

I have my own physical disabilities, hubby went through stage 4 cancer in 2015-16 and we have not really had a sex life since 2015. DH has ED disfunction, way before then. The change of to “ if your not being sexual with me you must be with someone else” is highly distressing and seems to be the rinse and repeat of the last couple of months. I have had to stop our handy man from coming around because he hyper focuses on him. The neurologist prescribed Serquel at the lowest dose at bedtime, after trying to get him to take the pill for 2 weeks, I have resorted to deceit and it grind up in his bedtime protein smoothie. I hope it kicks in and helps with this delusion of unfaithfulness soon. ( the deceit is a whole heavy load of guilt on me) 

With the Serquel, I saw a major positive overnight improvement in the all day verbal rambling, then within a week, his conversation skills improved. But the suspicion is heartbreaking. 

Last night when he started with the tight anxiety body language, I gave him a half a zanax (he objects, it’s a struggle to get him to take meds) which helped and helps with sundowning I am seeing as it is getting dark earlier and when the zanax kicked in we had a in depth conversation about the unfaithness issues, he does not think I am having an affair, just I must be doing it behind his back, because I’m not interested in doing it with him” It does not help that I have no sex drive and the thought of being intimate is hard, I am trying to give him the physical contact he craves but I am just not feeling it as the caregiver and responsibilities are weighing heavy on me. Last night I told him if he really believes that I am unfaithful, he needs to make his exit plan, he backtracks, hems and haws, then agrees he is being unreasonable. DH spoke of how he is fighting his own mind and it breaks my heart. We went to bed in a good place and it’s already staring up again today before lunchtime.

I am so tired. Is It terrible that I am hoping he moves to the next stage soon and wonder how others deal with this issue?

Thanks for listening, therapy is helping but I need to get this out to you who are walking this same road. I get so much help from everyone’s post as a lurker and have searched the sex, medications, and other issues posted on this site which is a great benefit of this forum and helps me navigate and not feel so alone.

Crushed

As a practical matter you have to accept that delusions are delusions
and move on one way or the other . 
 
Just for fun (I've told this story before but perhaps it will amuse you )
 
DW came down to breakfast

DW  Did I have sex last night ?

Me    Yes

DW  Was it with YOU ??

ME   Yes 

DW  Good I was so worried !!
  
 

toolbeltexpert

Jinx my dw started that "are you seeing another woman", I just assure her I am not. She says she doesn't know why she keeps thinking that. 

That is so hard we have been married 44 years, but that's all we can do is try to reassure. But when it comes to hallucinations that's a reality for the pwd we cannot change it at all, meds might help, they have with dw.

It was so strange last night she asked me if I wanted to be intimate, she is in a nhf, she doesn't realize that though. 

M1

Welcome JD.  Just so you know--you can increase Seroquel pretty quickly and dose mulitple times a day if needed.  Wide and safe dosing range--doses up to 800 mg/day are used in schizoprhenia, for example, and dementia doses are usually a lot smaller than that.  So don't be afraid to increase, of course I would let his doctor know and ask their advice, but knowledge is power in this situation.  It also comes in liquid formulation, and you may need that.

These delusions are very common, unfortunately.  I would be cautious about trying to discuss it with him--he's beyond reason, obviously, and as you described, it doesn't work and it doesn't stick.  This is part of the sadness, you want to still treat him like a partner/spouse, but that's likely a thing of the past (just like the sex).

Jinx Darling

Thanks M1, I will be reaching out to his dr on Monday, a liquid would be awesome. We already deal with dysphasia and he is on a liquid diet.  It has been hard to accept that I can no longer reason with him and am really alone in this process.

Jinx Darling

Crushed, thanks for the laughter, I am trying to use humor, but some days it is beyond me.

Jinx Darling

Tool belt - (((Hugs ))), I come hear to feel less alone and I do appreciate you chiming in with what’s going on in your life.

Joydean

Jinx you are not alone, we are here for you. But we do understand. Some days I feel very much along. My dh doesn’t talk very much, he has a hard time just trying to get words out and it’s about something for him. So there is really no conversation, and I have gotten used to being the one that does everything around the house, outside and all decisions. I miss not being able to just talk about daily things. It’s hard being on this road, it’s sad and it’s lonely. I guess that’s why I keep coming back to this forum. Prayers for you and your husband.

Pam BH

Jinx, I understand completely what you're going through. It's hard, very hard, especially this particular delusion. Most delusions we can play along with, but not this one. This takes a different tack.  First, do not argue with him or try to convince him it's not true. That will only make his anxiety increase and his mistrust - not only of your faithfulness but your 24/7 caregiving duties.  Keep reassuring him that you love him (he'll reject that statement) and that you'll always be there for him.  Second, hypersexuality can happen with dementia. It's your choice how you want to respond. If you say no, that's something he can and will have to accept. Third, keep in mind how painful this must be for him thinking you're having an affair. Unfortunately, it was after the fact that I was able to figure out the triggers that led to his thinking that ultimately started forming the delusions.

I went through the accusations for almost a year and then they thankfully stopped. To keep him as calm as possible I made the decision to cut myself off from anything that would fuel his delusions. At that time he was able to monitor my phone, emails, and texts, and come up with the most unbelievable stories about a simple email being from my "lover."  This was, so far, the worst experience we've had during our dementia journey, and I'm so glad it's over.  This is a horrible disease and I wish you the best.

harshedbuzz

JD-

My dad was stuck on my mom being unfaithful in the midstages. He was obsessed around this time with all things sexual-- off-color "jokes", telling scripted (and maybe conflated) tales of the sort of sexual conquests that might lead to serious jailtime and accusing my mom of infidelity in the crudest possible terms. 

It was a ghastly phase of a difficult disease. We mostly kept him out of public because of this behavior, but my mom still bore the brunt of his crazy accusations of meeting ger boyfriend during the 15 minutes it took her to run to the drug store. 

I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this. And I am sorry for your DH as well who is living with this as his reality. It is so sad. 

Mom tried to reassure him as TBE suggested and it always made things worse. YMMV. Not only was she unfaithful, but she was also a damned liar as well. Tread carefully should you defend yourself as any time you try to reason with what a PWD believes is true (about anything), you risk agitation and potential aggression. Weirdly, dad would accept me (we never enjoyed an easy relationship) talking him out of the notion by laying on the compliments about how wonderful he was and "why would she be looking when she had him at home?". (where's my Oscar?) 

A geriatric psych was the most important person on dad's team aside from my mom. Dad was already on an SSRI and on ADT after radiation treatment for prostate cancer, so he had no testosterone circulating in his system. The geri psych added Seroquel, 25mg in the morning and at dinnertime which helped a lot but didn't entirely extinguish this kind of thinking. This phase lasted a couple years and didn't end until that last year before he died.

As the disease progressed, he was less able to hold onto the anger around it. By stage 6, I could redirect to another topic to derail quickly it without lavishing praise upon him. My mom was less successful with redirection, but she eventually learned to apologize which defused the anger. This strategy was suggested to me around another of dad's recurrent threads. He'd lost $350K in the market day-trading but conflated the loss into me selling his golf course house for $350K less than it was worth. I got so sick of this particular story arc, that I just apologized and said I would never do that again. And it worked. I never believed it would, but it was like magic.

I hope this ends for you both soon.

HB

Young@heart

SSimilar situation. I'm 73 and DH is soon-to-be 85. He has mile alzheimers and a whole host of other chronic illnesses, one of which is terminal. (NO one has been able to tell me how long terminal lasts).  Our difference is that he doesn't accuse me of affairs...but our recurring them3 is that "all these people you ringing the house are poisoning your mind. They are driving a wedge between us. They are telling you to do things I don't want you doing, " Which then leads us to "if you can't listen to me and stop all that other 'stuff', get out of my house. I want a divorce." (This...after 37 years of mostly very happy marriage).

It does get old. I too have a psychotherapist, and a pretty good support network, but no can know what it is like living 24 hours a day. Trying to  express love to a spouse who unexpectedly turns into a totally different person, hurling insults and accusations, is like Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. It is exhausting.

I feel your pain.

Ed1937

Jinx, I am 84 years old. My wife was in the hospital, and when I went to visit, she said "I probably shouldn't ask this, but how is your girlfriend?". I just told her that if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't be up there with her. When our kids would visit her, she would grill them about it. It was something that was stuck in her mind, but I sometimes think she questioned her own beliefs. So you are not alone, by a long shot. This is a very common delusion. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Young@heart

I'd like to hear from some of you about experiences caring for someone diagnosed with D, ALZ in their 80's. Does the alz progress slowly?, more quickly? If it is secondary to other chronic illnesses, do the illnesses result in death before the alz progresses to end stage? Is there anyway to predict the trajectory when there is so much going on? Can the patient live another 5 years?

I hope this doesn't sound morbid..but not having any idea of the journey makes it even more frightening.

Vpomnitz

I’m glad I found this post as I too am being accused of “something”.  My DH says he hears me talking to the guy next door, when there is no guy next door, every time I go outside. I can’t work in the yard or walk the dogs without worrying I’ll be accused when I get back inside. What do you say when they make these accusations? My husband was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s , but the accusations have been happening for several months now. Do you just walk away and say nothing? I have been arguing with him and of course denying, which does not work. This is all new for me and I came on here to see if anyone could tell me how to handle this. 

Also please tell me which Dr we should be seeing for possible medications. I searched out a Neurologist on advise from the police after DH pulled a gun and thought there was a man under the recliner. Neurologist diagnosed the Alzheimer’s after some blood work, suggested a psychiatrist for anger issues and said come back in 3 months. Primary care Dr just said she was glad we had a neurologist. I feel like they said, yup your husbands sick, have a nice day!

Thanks,

Valarie

Pat6177

Valarie, not too many people will see your post here. You need to post it on the forum as a separate thread. Go up to the top of the screen, tap on Spouse or Partner Caregiver Forum and then to the right of center, you’ll see a green button to start a new thread. Post this comment in the new thread and you should get quite a few responses. 

Some neurologists will prescribe medications. But what many people on this forum have found is that the best person to be ordering medications is a geriatric psychiatrist (or Geri psych). In severe cases, people have called 911 and had their LO taken to an ER and admitted to a Geri psych ward for evaluation. If your DH gets violent again, please do that. Then keep repeating that you can’t take him home because you don’t feel safe. And don’t take him home till they find a medication regimen that makes him safe to be around. 

You need to do certain things to keep yourself safe. Remove or lock up ALL weapons. All guns, all knives, some people remove all knives from the kitchen, all tools that can be used as weapons.

And you need to have a plan for protecting yourself. Have your cell phone on you at all times and keep it charged. Have a room you can go to where you can lock the door. It would be great if this room had an exit to the outside. Make sure you have a phone charger in this room. 

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this horrible disease. You will learn a lot from this forum. Most of us have received very little education from the medical folks that have seen our loved ones. 

Please, post your comment as a new thread and you’ll get a lot of help. And do a search on here for safety. I know the search engine on here is frustrating.