caring for an unliked parent
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You are not alone, twocat. We have several members on here that are taking care of family members that they had poor relationships with before Alzheimer's. It's a tough road for anyone, but your story has particular poignance. You may or may not have a legal obligation to care for your parent, and that may be something worth looking into, if for no other reason than knowing whether or not you "have to" do what you're doing.
Other people will have great advice and insight; I just want to make sure you get a response promptly. If you are able to get legal power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney those may be worthwhile, but only after you have discussed the situation, including prospects of keeping your mother where she is or moving her to your area and the legal ramifications of each. Alzheimer's is a stupendously expensive disease, with little support.
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Dear twocat, you are NOT alone. I keep coming to the boards to check up on people here and also to post. I am struggling every minute of everyday and feel like I could snap at any moment. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to write what I feel and also explain what is happening because of my father. You are not alone. You have all of us here and we do care about you. Keep posting.1
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Twocat, you are definitely not alone! You've seen my story, but what I might not have mentioned before is that I've been reading this board for several months before I joined myself, including using the search function to look through the archives. There I found people with heartaches quite similar to ours, abuse victims and others lacking a rosy past with the very people they care for. Lots felt as you did, like we were imposters for doing the work without perfect love behind it. Others admitted to anger and even rage against their families because of their situations. So many stories... and so many of which were met by compassion and understanding by the kind people here that I decided to trust them with mine as well. I'm glad you did too! Welcome!
I would second sandwichone123's suggestion of reflecting on why you're taking care of your mother in the first place. What makes you feel like it's "expected?" In my case lots of it was because I lived with my mom, and she felt it was expected of her because because we had to stick together after leaving the"old country", and because she was the eldest and a woman and both those things meant she had to be responsible. The more you understand why you feel you need to care for your mom, the closer you can get to making decisions that are good for the both of you... and I'm still working on that myself!
Let's do our best together, okay? Even when our "best" looks and feels like severely needing a rest!
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twocat-
Caring for a parent who has dementia is sad and hard. Caring for a parent with dementia who was not a good parents is a whole 'nother layer of suckitude.
My story so you will know from whence I came.
I am my parents' surviving child. I never enjoyed an easy relationship with my dad who had some significant mental health issues. My younger sister was his favorite and his mini-me right down to the mental health and substance issues. She died in 1994 from complications of AIDS. It destroyed him. In his grief he was angry and bitter and drinking to excess. His more casual social circle dropped him because of his behavior so when my parents retired, they moved south to a golf community. I always had a decent relationship with my mom, but her choice to move away to give dad a fresh start ditching me and my son (who was diagnosed with autism that same week) changed things. I felt very screwed over as they'd been over-the-top grands to my sister's kids even before she was sick and died.
Within 5 years, dad was on the outs with these folks, too and started spending 6 months in Florida each year. Around 2005 I noticed a shift to a darker and meaner personality in dad and by 2008 he had some significant memory issues going on. He once overheard him telling my mom "the wrong one died". Our relationship got worse in the context of his new personality and increased drinking, so I pulled back to visiting my parents solo to check on my mom's well-being and try to convince her to have him evaluated. Mother put me off until she almost died with dad as her health advocate; mom was in the hospital with auto-immune liver failure (oh the irony) and the hospital called me as emergency contact since dad seemed out-of-it.
I flew to FL and found him hosting neighborhood happy hour in a bath towel. Mom recovered, they came north to the golf course and I crafted a Plan B to get him evaluated. It didn't take long to make it happen. Mom and I went to a family funeral and she returned to the house trashed and dad in the midst of a psychotic episode. She got him in the car and drove 3 hours north where I met her and we took him to the ER affiliated with the memory center at which I'd made an appointment later that fall. He was diagnosed in the hospital and it was confirmed as mixed dementia later that fall. They said he had early stage Alzheimer's (I felt mid stage but he tested well) and an ARD called Wernicke-Korsakoff's.
Moving my parents closer to me and supporting my mom as hands-on caregiver took several years out of my life. I staged and sold their place on the golf course and moved the contents to a nice senior apartment and storage unit. Then I found a cute house for them to buy in a walkable town near me with all the amenities. Then I rented the place in FL for the season, staged and sold it. Moved the personal items out. Had cars shipped. Unwound dad's shenanigans with their investments. Got both parents set up with changed addresses, a team of doctors and generally entertained them as they had no real friends here anymore. I did babysit dad to give mom a break and I pushed hard for in-home caregivers and eventually placement but I was never a blue-glove caliber caregiver. Dad died in 2018. We had a small graveside service which was one of the strangest experiences of my life-- all of dad's old golf buddies and many of his former students turned up and were genuinely crying. My eyes were dry.
I do expect I would have been judged had I not stepped up. I mostly did what had to be done because going it alone would have killed my mother who is not good at being in charge. But TBH, I would have seen to my dad's care anyway. Not because of who he was, but because of who I am.
I feel like in some PWD, there is kind of a regression or time travel where they become more of who they were when they were younger. At least that's what I saw in the final months of dad's life. By the time he was in the MCF, I began to see glimmers of the sweet little boy his ancient aunts described-- the boy before mental illness, absent parenting and life kicked the crap out of him. I'm glad I got to meet that boy and I have no regrets.
HB
PS This book helped.
Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You: Making Peace With Aging Parents: Cade, Eleanor: 9781568388793: Amazon.com: Books
and so did therapy.0 -
twocat, I’m glad you’re here, you’re not alone. I also have struggles with hurt and resentment baggage rearing up while caring for mom. I’ve gotten better with it as time moves on. I try to remember how hard she worked as a single mom for her three kids and how she thought she was a fabulous person and mother. She was kind and calm even when neglecting us. It had to be hard for her often. This is hard for me too often, but here I stand. I try to empathize with her and her own troubled history. There’s nothing that says you must care for her. Don’t feel as if you have to stand on that rock.
harshedbuzz… wow! Who you are is amazing! Your LOs are blessed to have you and so are we.
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There is another book, having to do with Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional parents. It came out in the 1980s.
Iris L.
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You are not alone. I'm caring for a half brother that I was never close to. He too was always self centered. It was always about him and what he wanted. He love to start stuff and would laugh at you when you got mad. I don't like him but I'm all he's got. I'm the only relative left and I feel stuck. So I totally understand. Thanks for being brave enough to say it. I wanted to but thought I shouldn't. It's good to know that I'm not alone too.0
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twocat- you are not alone. I grew up in a loveless, dysfunctional home with a mother who was passive-aggressive, verbally abusive, and narcissistic. I ended up caring for her the last 5 years of her life, while my sister completely bailed on helping in any way (understandable, I suppose). I was not a perfect caregiver by any stretch, but I did it.
I would read about some of the loving relationships on this board and was often envious. I could not imagine lovingly rubbing my mothers hands with nice-smelling lotion, brushing her hair, or providing any other sort of affection even in her last days.
What kept me going was trying to break the cycle for my children. They saw me care and give and set boundaries. My mother NEVER modeled loving, kind behavior and she was always the martyr.
I will never judge an adult child for walking away from an abusive relationship or preserving themselves. I know some judged me because I did not do more: she did not live with me, but I made sure she was cared for, I managed her finances and medical needs, and I visited her regularly. I am over 50 years old and can say that stepping into this role was what finally forced me to grow up and address the deep dysfunction in my family growing up.
And, I can relate to your sentiments about wanting to blurt out how awful my mom was and how difficult my childhood was. This is why this forum is so wonderful. You can be perfectly honest here. We all walk very different paths, but I have found everyone to be tremendously helpful and supportive.
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Twocat , I have to say I admire you for your honesty. I don’t think I could have done it. My mom which I barely knew sent my sister, brother and myself to visit with our so called dad when I was 8. Said it was for 2 weeks. I was 18 before I ever saw her again, so called dad didn’t want us either so off to foster homes we went. Didn’t see my little sister or my brother 4 + years. I’m sure there are good foster homes, I just was not in any. Too much physical,mental and sexual abuse. Mom did get married a year after she sent us “to visit “ and had a little girl then 3 more. I meet them when I went back to see her at 18, I still wanted to have a relationship with her, ( she treated me like a stranger) she honestly seemed to care for them. Glad for her and them. She did end up with dementia at age of 78 and neither one of them wanted to take care of her. Guess what I’m trying to say, not all could do what you and several others here are doing. Prayers for you and those taking care of family who treated you badly!0
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Hi y'all. I'm so frustrated I am Caregiver for my grumpy retired Army Father.
I feel like most days I just get by. I'm so frustrated and resent the job of taking care of a man that has been angry and mean my whole life. I'm a person of Faith and I put extra pressure on myself. My sibling is detached. She's not helpful at all. If anything at all, she stirs up drama and makes him sad and angry. My mom passed away in 2018 and since that time he has been an angry miserable depressed person to be around. I thought I had good coping skills. I'm a licensed professional counselor but some days just push me to my breaking point. I always do better with helping other people. I just resent having to repeat every conversation and be patient to help him feel comfortable when he has no compassion or empathy or awareness. Social events are painful and I've given up on ever hear him say thank you, I love you or I appreciate everything you are doing. All I get is passive Aggressive behavior, snarky comments and silence. I'm just plain frustrated.
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You are not alone. My mother was a emotionally abusive and a career woman. She liked me the least and I ended up with her. My brother doesn't live in the city I do, and he doesn't do anything to help. I had so many unresolved issues with her (even though years of therapy) that I had a hard time (still do) separating the disease from the person she was then. I don't have an answer as I struggle with this daily. I am in burnout now and she is going for respite care tomorrow as I can't do this anymore. She has lived with me since 2019 and enough is enough. I am beginning to hate her and I don't like that feeling.0
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sweepmore,I’m glad you’re getting the respite you deserve. I’m so sorry for this discomfort in your life. Is her respite stay going to morph into an admission to a facility?0
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sweepmore wrote:#relatableYou are not alone. My mother was a emotionally abusive and a career woman. She liked me the least and I ended up with her. My brother doesn't live in the city I do, and he doesn't do anything to help. I had so many unresolved issues with her (even though years of therapy) that I had a hard time (still do) separating the disease from the person she was then. I don't have an answer as I struggle with this daily. I am in burnout now and she is going for respite care tomorrow as I can't do this anymore. She has lived with me since 2019 and enough is enough. I am beginning to hate her and I don't like that feeling.
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Not alone. My mother and I were happily, mutually estranged for the past ~10 years. When my father was in hospital dying, I contacted her to let her know. (They were separated, but on ok enough terms.) After his death, I handled all that I could of settling his affairs, but there were things she had to do as his legal spouse. She seem to struggle with those tasks, so I assisted (remotely). Shortly thereafter, her cognitive impairment became apparent. I continued to assist her -- e.g., making doctors appointments; auto repairs; etc. Then, she progressed quickly and her neighbors were calling me complaining that I needed to do something. They even called DCF, who simply closed the investigation as "all is well".
I tried to get her to stop driving. She would not. I worried for the safety of others, too.
In a crisis, I got her and moved her into my home, out of state. (She was having paranoid delusions that a stranger was living in her house.) There is no money for any kind of assisted living; but slightly too much savings for Medicaid LTC. So, no options.
I was already in survival mode before, having been greatly affected career wise by Covid. Now, I had to quit even my steady sidehustle job to be her sole 24/7 caregiver (with zero support). Giving up my work, medical insurance, freedom...to support someone who never supported me (was a saboteur) has been super challenging. It has been 15 months. I'm broken.
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II'm in a similar situation and completely understand what you're saying. My mom did the same to me and my sister. She is/was a narccisist and proud of the title my dad gave her "queen Badword". My sister and I were raised by our grandparents and Dad while she was off doing drugs. I feel compelled even after all she's done to help her as well as you do. It's a difficult position to be in and I feel for you and get you. We got this as hard as it's going to be as much as you wanna give up gotta keep going unfortunately.0
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My wife and I are caregivers for an older sibling of mine. My experience has lasted for only 4 -months, but those 4 months have changed my life and ours. I am saying my and ours because my wife has had alot of experience dealing with Alzheimers patients.
We are at our wits end. My sibling is very very intelligent and narcissistic. He wants the run things HIS way. Pretty much every day turns into a battle. He has not gotten violent, but he has been very verbally abusive to us from time to time and extrememy verbally abusive to his daughter on a consistent basis.
I will be honest and say that my sibling is not my most favorite person in the world…. but I do love him. That is why I am here caring for him. The other night, the word “hate” came out of my mouth. I do not “hate” him. What I hate is this disease and the turmoil that it has forced upon our family. I am sure my niece has felt the same things I have felt.
I am going to carry on, but this to end. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so thankful for my wife and the things she has taught me
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I'm in the same boat. My mother pretty much ignored me my whole life and now I get to take care of her because the rest of her family is dead. I am all that is left. I sold my house 1,000 miles away and relocated to where she is. I am her full time caregiver and it is a nightmare. She was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease so I know it's going to be a rough road ahead. I'm glad I found this space where there are others like me. Thanks!0
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You are not alone. I have 2 sisters and none of us want to care for our mother. I am the middle child and always the one to step up. It is hard to sacrifice any time for someone who was not there for me. People don't always understand this happens. The guilt is heavy but my sisters help me a lot. They say I am not expected to do this but they are grateful.0
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twocat, I'm in a similar situation. I am the only surviving sibling, and although my mother was not a bad person or abusive, there were many stressful situations through the years (loss of children,) that changed her personality and created rifts in relationships. I put my mother in AL due to some strong delusions and hallucinations. She's over 91 years old and my father died last February. Her mental state seemed to be going OK, until she had a complete break with reality. Anyway, I constantly find myself second guessing these decisions I never wanted to make in the first place, and trying to make sure my moral compass is in the right place. I don't want to do anything out of pettiness. I don't have alot of experience with this, but in my case, I feel it's harder to make choices for a parent who has been a nearly constant source of anxiety for a long time. I wish you the best in all this, my thoughts are with you.
-angel
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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